Unplanned pregnancy

[Yht]

I am facing the impossible decision of whether to stay pregnant or termination. I have two children. Both are older and more independent. Life is starting to come together, we're in a position we have worked hard and waited for.
We don't want another child but I feel so guilty considering abortion. I had my initial consultation and I didn't receive any compassion or support from the midwife and it's made me feel so much worse.
Worried I'll never forgive myself if I terminate. And worried I won't cope with another child.

I’m so sorry you are having to make this decision. I was in the same situation a few weeks ago. Our children are 10 and 6 and my partner has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. He was more against the idea than I was but after a lot of back and forth I decided to terminate as I thought it was what was best for everyone. Since then iv been in a really bad place and after many conversations with my partner he has agreed to try again for a baby sometime next year. I think just be really sure of your decision as you can’t take it back and you don’t know how things will impact you until it’s too late. I would give anything to go back and be strong enough to have kept my baby.

Thanks for your reply. It seems like an impossible decision. Our two children are 11 and 8. It would be such a big age gap. We are trying to relocate to a different part of the country. So much is going on.

I know this will make me sound like a terrible person but I couldn't cope if the child wasn't healthy or had additional needs. I work in a school and do my best for families in those situations but I see how much they struggle and it's so hard for them.

I feel lucky to have two children and family life is going well. Why roll the dice you know?

But it's inside me growing now and I have serious guilt about putting an end to it. It's so awful but I'm praying for a miscarriage.

It doesn’t make you sound like a terrible person at all. I felt exactly the same, I kept hoping to have the decision taken out of my hands. Whatever you decide to do, just make sure you that you know that you can cope with the decision. Can you talk to anyone before you decide?

Hi Yht, it sounds like you already know deep down that something about choosing to abort does not feel right to you. It's important to listen to that, as this decision will affect you greatly whatever you choose. The age gap feels big right now, but as your children grow up, it will matter less and less. And ultrasound and testing can help reassure you that your pregnancy is going normally as the weeks go by. If a serious problem shows up, you can always re-evaluate the way forward. But I don't think there's reason to think that will be the case, it may just be the part of you that is scared and worried trying to talk you into just ending the pregnancy. Like Sweeetie said, it's normal to feel anxious and take action before we really look at the big picture, and I also hope you'll take a little time to imagine your life with another child and see if you start to feel positively about it. I hope you'll be able to think through this with a clear heart and mind, and wish all the best for your move. (And if the midwife you saw had a bad personality, I hope you can see a different one!)

Thanks for your responses and words of support. I do feel in my heart and head that terminating is what is right for me and my family. I am barely coping working and parenting as it is. I start to panic about life with a third child and I am getting into awful states.
We are just about getting by with life as it is now. It's just an extremely difficult thing to do. I hope in time I will forgive myself.

@Yht It is hard but it sounds like you know what you want to do. Just make sure you have people around you who can support you.

I have two teenage children and an 8 year old. I had very similar feelings to you. Ultimately I knew that I could choose to be present for my children or worry about the what ifs of another baby with a new partner and all the challenges that come with having another baby, along with unknowns.

I did choose to terminate and the first week after termination was horrendous. Two months on however I see my children and I feel at peace knowing that I made a choice that considered them. I still get sad but forgiveness in my choice comes from seeing my eldest child go into a new era - her GCSE years, seeing my 8 yo as my baby of the family and knowing that I have the chances to make the best life I can for my children in the present. There will always be a place in my heart for the baby that didn't come to be and I personally choose to honour that by pouring my love and time into my three wonderful kids.

That's just my take and it might not be the same for others but that's a bit of insight on how I ha e come to accept it.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's really not an easy decision. We have been back and forth and back and forth again. I feel it's the right decision for me and my family. I suppose only you know your journey and no one can walk in your shoes but you. I have accepted that I have come to my decision and will need to get through this week.