Single mother or abortion

[A4657]

Just found out I’m pregnant and also just separated from my ex 2 weeks ago. I haven’t told my ex that I’m pregnant.

My options are:

1. Get back together with him and make it work
2. Have this baby on my own as a single mother
3. Have an abortion

Option 1 seems like the easiest choice as I get to keep the baby and have financial stability and my ex loves children. But I already know it’s a terrible decision for me mentally. I’ve spent the entire relationship and beginning of my pregnancy in tears which is a sign in itself. He doesn’t like me and doesn’t care about my feelings. He will use the child to emotionally abuse me more and will let his mum have the last say on how to raise our child.

Option 2 is what I wanted to do but now I’ve seen my ex’s true colours I believe he would fight me for custody and I’m not sure how we would coparent when we live in 2 different cities (4 hours distance), what would a judge rule on this? I know it would be hard being a single mother, I have very little support and my parents will pressure me to get back together with my ex.

Option 3 is incredibly hard for me I’m already so attached to this baby and I’m only 5 weeks. This is all I’ve ever wanted and for years I thought I couldn’t get pregnant. Logically this option would save the baby from coming into this mess and it would also give me the chance to have a fresh start again from my toxic ex without the struggles of dating as a single mother.

Hey lovely,

I want to share my experience. I had a abortion a few months ago but my situation was different to yours as I was pregnant not with a ex but a early dating.

I made a decision I deeply regret, I focused too much on how hard it would be to be a single mum and thought about every scenario. I terminated that pregnancy and truth is the aftermath that comes with that is very tough, not a single day goes by where I don’t regret my decision, every day I wonder about the ‘what ifs’ and if I could turn back time I’d risk being a single mum over not having the chance at all.

im not saying to follow my advice here, but I want to share the truth on the difficulties faced after making a abortion decision.

I hope you find the right decision for you and your circumstances. All I say is follow your heart.

big hugs, I know how tough it is to make such a decision x

It's hard to say ... I had a baby in similar circumstances and it has worked out in the end but was quite difficult sometimes. However I wouldn't change it for the world. I wouldn't let your parents pressure you into getting back with him if he is emotionally abusive though. It sounds like you'd have to go it alone.
Can you wait a few more weeks before deciding?

@ScabbyHorse did you go through the pregnancy alone? How did things turn out in coparenting with your ex? My ex is a narcissist who will definitely try to turn the child against me, even if we stayed together. Does it feel lonely as a single mother sometimes?

Is your ex physically or emotionally abusive? Would there be risks for allowing him partial custody of the baby? If he is employed, he probably wouldn't be able to look after a baby, and there's no way he's driving all that time on a weeknight. It sounds like at the worst he might get every other weekend, something like that. Maybe if you make it clear you're through with him, he will look for a new partner and be willing to have minimal involvement with this child. But it sounds like you very much want this baby, and when women abort very much wanted children, it rarely goes well for her. I really hope you can find a way to make this work, and I'm sorry that you had to endure so much from this man. I hope you'll find a much kinder and gentler person to be your future partner.

@NeonCarrot What if he quits his job as he’s got some health issues and moves in with his parents, will he get more custody? He is emotionally abusive towards me but would love his child and he’ll use it to hurt me. He would justify turning the child against me and undermine me as the mother, he’ll also do his best to make me feel like I’m a bad mother. I’m starting to think abortion might be the best option.

Even if he isn't an ideal father, you stated that you very much want a child and that you were worried you couldn't conceive, so you should treat this like your best chance to have a baby. If you are not worried about him mistreating your child, you could make shared custody work out. Your child will love and trust you as all children do their mums, even if he tells them lies about you. Hopefully he will grow up a little and realize that trying to turn the child against you will only make your son or daughter's life more difficult and painful. You can assure the child that dad is only saying these things because he's upset with mum, something like that. If he really does love his child, he won't want to do anything to risk losing custody or facing charges (such as if he threatens you via text or voicemail). If you really want this baby, I wouldn't let all the things that could possibly happen stop you. Hopefully you will start a new relationship with someone who loves you and your child, and can back you up and support you when your ex is being difficult. From your original post, it just sounds to me like abortion would be extremely emotionally painful for you, as this is a very much wanted child. Don't let your ex take the experience of motherhood away from you, it sounds like he's taken enough from you already.