One year post-abortion, it is not getting better

[AegeanPebble]

I had an abortion a year ago. My body hasn't recovered. I have been going to a doctor or other continuously over the past year. I have no underlying conditions and I have not been diagnosed with any of the common complications. I was prescribed antibiotics to exclude the possibility of a hidden infection and I have even done an MRI. My hormon tests are also coming back in the normal range.

But the pain just never stopped. I have daily a dull ache in my abdomen, sometimes it spreads to my back and hip. My periods used to be pretty much painless and now are excruciating. I went from a few hours of pain on the first day to period pain that starts 3 days before the period and stops after end of bleeding.

I used to have the perfect 28 cycle for more than 10 years. After the procedure the first 3 cycles were on time, however the pain was unbearable and I was bleeding heavily (~4 full cups a day for 7 days straight). A doctor then prescribed the progestin only pill. I took it for 6 weeks and it was awful. I had breast pain and spotting or bleeding with cramps the entire time. And I stopped. After that my period returned, much lighter than ever before in terms of flow, but the pain remains excruciating for many days, and my cycles are now typically short 24-26 days. My BBT stays up for only 9 days.

I cannot come to terms with the damage this has done to my body and how much it has impacted my quality of life. I am thinking about conceiving soon but I dont know if it is possible anymore with such a short luteal phase.

And then there is the regret... I don't know what i was thinking at the time. I was convinced by the councillor that it is an easy and inconsequential procedure. I was never anti-abortion before so i didn't think about the ethical aspects too much at the time. The timing was extremely bad, I found out I was pregnant 1 day before moving to a new country to start a new job. I wouldn't have permanent accommodation for another month. I was so sick that I couldn't think straight.

How wrong was I? I feel so much guild and regret. I literally lost everything, my health, my integrity and my child. It is so out of character for me to not think something through, I feel like all the information I had was wrong. They said women don't regret abortions, they feel relief, it is safe, it is inconsequential. All of that was lies.

The support tries to convince me now that it was the right decision at the time, but I know it was a mistake. They say that there is no such thing as PAS but this is exactly how I feel. When I express how I feel physically and mentally I am faced with denial, as if none of this is real. I guess when did medicine care about women's health to start now?

I feel so desparate, defeated and guilty. I can't handle my story to be so tragic and sad. I dont know how to carry on. All I want is a time machine to go back in time. I am trying so hard to restore my health but it is all in vain. I am just a ruined woman and nobody cares.

I care 💗 and you care about you too 💗
You have to remember at the time you thought it was the right decision and you done what you thought was best at the time . Hindsight is a great thing but we can't look back with regret . It's easy to say I know but at times the rage and regret I have over having my abortion but then I have to remember my reasons I done the abortion. Never in a million years did I think I would have an abortion and now I have to accept this is part of my life story ! No amount of rage tears anger and hatred for myself and everyone who encouraged me will undo it .

I have to dig deep every day and know at the time I thought I was making the right decision as did you. We didn't have crystal balls if we did we would have never done it ! Acceptance ! We have to accept it unfortunately and try and move on .
Keep getting checked and get all the scans you can and your body will come right it will. Sending you the biggest hug xxx

Thank you for your kind words. Unfortunately I know that it was the wrong decision, even considering the situation. My reasoning doesn't make sense anymore. It was a terrible thing. Why have we normalised it as a society when most of us are struggling so much afterwards?
Acceptance is sad and final. I will never be happy or healthy again and that's just it. I don't see any light ahead.
I am sorry for the doom talk. I don't have anything else left.

It was not the wrong decision hun . At the time you felt It was the right decision. Only now in hindsight you feel it was wrong decision . But please don't feel like that . You will be happy you will be healthy and there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are just in the depths of it right now and you are griveving. You may be experienceing rage and I experienced that too and it's awful . Grief comes in waves . I promise you in time it will get easier and the lessons will become clear. You are just one human being hun don't be so hard on yourself. No one chooses abortion and this was not an easy decision to make. Your life is not over you will smile love and laugh again I did . I still have moments of deep sadness but I can not let this define me I have to be strong. No one is coming to save me from this so I have to save myself as do you. You will heal and you matter ❤️✨

@AegeanPebble I'm so sorry you are struggling. It's not an easy thing to come to terms with. I also had a termination at the age of 20 - many years ago now - and it was the wrong decision for me too, so I can understand how you are feeling. In my case I don't think my decision was fully informed and I was mainly driven by fear. So called 'friends' who'd had abortions themselves influenced me, by telling me it was the right thing to do. To this day I cannot understand why I listended to them and let myself be swayed, why I didn't follow my heart and my own instincts.

I had children a few years later, and the struggle to cope with the loss of my first one made me too overprotective of them. That's just me, I don't think everyone is affected in that way. I feel as you do, that I would give anything to be able to go back and make a different decision.

I don't know if you've contacted any post-abortion support services? I found some counselling locally and also did a Rachel's Vineyard retreat. Nothing can return us to the people we were before, but it helped to talk to people who understood and had been through the same thing, so I think it's worth trying to find something similar in your area.

Thank you for sharing. I am seeing a counsellor from a local organisation. I am not sure it is helping. She is very nice an understanding but I am not improving. It seems like many people don't recover. I haven't even recovered physically, so there is no hope for me.

I feel that like even if I laugh again it will never be the same. Every laugh ends with thoughts of heavy concience. I have sentenced myself to a lifetime of misery. My body is ruined and the chronic pain, or the messed up cycle remind me every day that I did a horrible mistake. And the reasons were really not worth it. I will never accept that it was the right decision. I didn't feel the tiniest bit or relief.

Im so sorry hun I really am. I will keep you in my prayers . I am struggling too with my decision and feeling regret but I have to try and move forward otherwise I will not be able to go on . I have my bad days and today was one of them I turned 38 today and never did I think I would be childless at this age and battling the aftermath of an abortion I never thought this would be my story . But I'm trying every day and it will become easier xxx 💗

Sorry you have had a bad day today. I would say 'Happy Birthday', but it seems wrong given what you have just said. I think you are doing the right thing in trying to stay positive, I hope things work out for you.

Certain days are definitely worse than others. I'm dreading tomorrow, the anniversary of the day I had my termination, I find this day difficult every year. My appointment was meant to be on 3rd Sept, but I arrived late and they said I had to go back the following day. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self to take that as a sign I wasn't meant to do this. Of course I didn't, and stupidly returned the following day.

I'm so sorry hun it's heartbreaking it really is . I wish I could make it better for us both and all us women who are suffering. I don't know the reason for mine but I pray in time I see why I chose the termination. If I don't remain positive life will be bleak . Ile pray for you tonight when I pray. You done the best with what you had at the time . Sending you a big hug hun xx 💗

You are so kind! I am 38 too :( I really relate to you when you say you don't know why you chose it. I know the reasons but they don't seem important anymore.

My anniversary is coming up soon too. It is my first. This was supposed to be one of the best years of life. Instead I ruined my entire life. Why is it so normalised in society if we are all suffering so much?

We care. If it felt like the right decision at the time, then that's exactly what it was. Right. Thousands of people around the world have terminations every day for different reasons. It is very unlikely to obtain lasting damage after a termination and you should have no issues conceiving again. There are a lot of positive termination and pregnancy/babies after termination stories on this topic that can be reassuring to read. My friend had an abortion in her teen years which lead to an infection immediately after, she got treatment from it and fully recovered and now has a toddler. Your time will come again and everything that happened is part of the past and all part of your life journey. Counselling works for some and not for others but it's always worth exploring all the resources available to you. Remember it's only been a year and time is a huge healer. Take care of yourself x

*treatment for it

Thank you for your kind words. I am scared because now I have luteal phase defect, which I didn't have before, so I really worry that I will have miscarriages and won't be able to sustain a pregnancy. :(

I really hope you are able to conceive and carry a pregnancy to term successfully 🤞🏻 I will be keeping you in my thoughts and hope you can heal from the past. You made a decision a lot of other women make too, and you don't deserve to worry about the future. You didn't do anything wrong x

I pray for us all our babies will come back to us. In time when the situation is right they will come back it's what I choose to believe . Sending you loads of love 💗

Just to say, I hope you're doing OK. I know the pain feels unbearable but keep on living and it does start to lessen with time. For what it's worth, your reasoning sounds totally valid and logical as to why you had it, and you couldn't have known how it would affect you afterwards. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I really believe that some women have a strong hormonal reaction afterwards, like a form of post natal depression, that requires treatment. Are you on anti depressants?

Might sound a bit out there, but maybe look into fertility acupuncture too. Even if you're not planning on imminently conceiving then it might help your hormonal balance. Nothing to lose in trying it.

Thank you for your message. To tell you the truth I am not doing ok at all. I don't think I will ever be ok again. I am a broken woman.
I tried acupuncture over the summer but I didn't see lasting results. It helped with the pain for a few days after the treatments, but my cycle didn't improve.
I am not on antidepressants, maybe I should be. I just don't trust doctors, I can't take any more pills.

You absolutely need to give anti depressants a try. Even just for a few months. They helped me with the ruminations. Gave my mind a bit more room for other things.

I am going through the same exact thing. You might have adenomyosis or endometriosis. I am childless and couldn’t think well also biggest regret if my life

I am sorry you are going through this too. I have had an MRI done in the summer to check for endometriosis etc. But didn't find anything. I don't have the typical clinical picture for this either. At the moment I am trying to fix the luteal phase defect and increase progesterone :(
I feel so betrayed and lied to. They tell us it doesn't affect fertility but then this happens and life is over.

Have you did a fertility test ? Do you check your egg count ? Have you been trying ? Check pm

Yes my egg count is good despite my age. My hormone levels are normal during follicular phase. During luteal phase the progesterone was a little low but still in normal range (8.7 on day 21). The low progesterone matches the symptom of short luteal phase and increased PMS. In the last 10 cycles only 2 had luteal phase more than 11 days. The rest have 9.