Pregnant w/ 5th baby but don't know I can do it

[lavendersol]

I had a termination in the first few months of last year. I felt confident in my decision because I didn't feel like I could provide mainly emotionally for another baby. It still hurts even though I feel I made the right choice.

Last weekend I found out that I'm pregnant again and I haven't told anyone. I was shocked but told myself I couldn't have another abortion only because I'm the type of person to never stop thinking about what I've done and it hurts me regardless of how sure I felt.

I know my partner won't support this pregnancy and I don't think any family members or friends would be happy for me, not that I care but it would be nice to have some moral support. Basically I don't know how I could get through it without any. Maybe I could, I don't know. I'm just so scared about doing it all again. This will be my 5th baby - all my children have the same dad. 2 of my children are likely on the spectrum and they require a lot of my time and a lot more help than other children their age might need. This also worries me. If my partner doesn't support me, how will I cope? I don't want to fail all of my children. Am I selfish for keeping the pregnancy?

Thank you for reading

Follow your heart. You shouldn't care what other people think. People soon forget and step up to help. Feeling scared is normal and natural. You are a mother after all. Weigh it all up. Do you think u could go with another abortion again? Also don't rush your decision. It's normal for pregnant mothers to have a really high amount of anxiety especially with each pregnancy at the beginning.

Like you I had a termination then got pregnant again and wanted to terminate again as HG (severe vomiting) was so bad. I didn't contact the termination clinic and knew I wanted to keep my baby. I did and she's now one!

I has 2 abortions that would have been my 5th baby. They were about 5 years apart. The first one was because I got pregnant straight after having my daughter and didn’t think I could manage so close together. Also due to the fact the dad spent hours yelling at me to get rid of it and it put it in my head I’d be doing it all alone. The second time my daughter had just finished reception at school. The dad’s reaction when I told him was ‘what’s it got to do with me’ so knew I’d be doing it all on my own. I do get extremely sick and didn’t know how I’d manage with the kids I’d got already and being pregnant. I really have struggled over the years with having the abortions. I do get very depressed even though it’s been 6 years ago now. The thing is if the dad won’t be any help and family and friends won’t be much support it is tough. I regret the abortions but also I know I’d of really struggled with another baby. As I had practically no support either . So anyway either way you decide try not to feel guilty or bad as your just doing the best that you can do . Lots of women have more than one termination.

How old are the children you have? Does your partner live with you or is he more of a boyfriend? Is child support mandatory in the country you live in? If the father is not willing to give any support at all, then the termination is more his choice than yours, and that doesn't seem right. Especially if the finances are available but he's choosing to withhold them. I understand you being scared of upsetting him, but I hope you'll be able to communicate to him how hard this is for you and how termination is not easy and that you should have some say in it. Have you ever asked him if he'd consider a vasectomy? It sounds like that might benefit both of you if you have all the children you are able to raise. But if part of you wants this new baby, I hope you are able to find a way. Being reluctant to do something that hurts you emotionally is a valid reason not to do it. Do you think he'd really walk away from the family or is he trying to intimidate you? He hasn't the right to be the one with all the decision making power. Hope you're managing okay through all of this and hope to hear from you again dear.

I would be sad to have another abortion but I do think deep down, if I put my own wants aside, it's the right thing to do :'( the hardest thing is I don't know how I'll feel after. But I'm early enough to have a medical with pills via post hopefully. So I won't have to tell anyone, as I still haven't told anyone I'm pregnant. Not even my partner. Yet I do want to give myself some more time to think. But I know I have HG again already, I had it with my last baby and the sickness and nausea is already taking a huge toll on me. I've seen loads of videos online lately saying the first trimester is the hardest but this is so difficult. I don't know how I will cope with the first 12 weeks and with having a newborn again. Like I said in my post, I'm already finding the 4 I have quite challenging. How did you cope with HG again? I'm glad you know how it feels because I struggle to describe how hard it feels with words! Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply x

How many children do you have in total if you don't mind me asking? X

Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your personal experience. Everything you are saying is so right. It's not fair us women are left to deal with the aftermath either way. Being totally honest, I've already had 2 terminations in my life so far. These were 9 years apart. I feel awfully stupid for getting myself into such a situation again. I regretted my first ever TOP for YEARS, it really ate me up. My second one I did regret having to do and felt sadness but I knew in my heart I never would have coped and that time in my life was already very busy and hard. My mental health is bad on an ok day so I dread to think how it will go whatever decision I make.

I hope you find peace with your decisions, take your time. Remember you're not alone as we often feel that way. Thank you again x

My current children are 11, 8, 7 and 2. Yes my partner lives with me and we parent the children together because he's the dad to them all. I live in the UK and have no idea about child support but he works part-time and has limited work depending on the weather here. It's more emotional and physical support I will struggle not having if he doesn't come around to another baby. I want this baby to be my final and be sterilised after. But I don't want to put pressure and strain on our existing family. If I have a termination, I would never even want to try again out of guilt and shame. All of our financies together are tight, we only just get by each month. I've asked him to consider a vasectomy, never put any pressure on him to have one, but it's something he's willing to do right now which is frustrating because he doesn't want to use condoms either so all contraceptive stress is on me. I don't think he would walk away but I think there would be some arguments about me choosing not to terminate and I don't want that to upset our children. If I'm truly open, they are really hard work but I love them dearly. Every day at the moment feels deeply difficult. Thank you so much for your comment and advice x

Oh my goodness, I have little patience with men who don't want to use condoms or take any responsibility for birth control but then expect their woman to simply abort if sex results in the one thing it's technically supposed to. To think that you've had four pregnancies and births but he won't even consider a simple sterilization, that's something else. I'm sorry you had to go through the abortion last year and sorry that you're faced with the possibility of making the same choice again. Ultimately he can't force you to abort, so if you feel that having one more child is going to be best for your heart and peace of mind, only you can decide that. I had my first baby on a tiny budget, relied on breastfeeding and cloth nappies to get us through. Since you have a two-year-old, maybe you already have the clothes and baby equipment which would save a lot too. This child could be a good friend for the toddler, and your 8 and 7 year olds have each other. Could work well as a family dynamic if you're up for the challenge. No matter what you choose, I wish you well, but make sure it's what you truly want. Thanks for writing back, I wish life wasn't so full of struggles and hardships, but we mums get through somehow. 🍼🎈

This time around when I had hg again and took b6 and b12 (both vitamins). I didn't tell anyone besides my husband I was pregnant till week 12. It was hard but not as tough as the one I aborted. Mentally, I told myself I'm going to get through this and not use the sickness pills. If the vomit comes I'm just going to let it out. I'm not sure if I'm explaining it right but I had to face my fear and told myself accept this. I remember chewing on peppermint gum when doing the school run as that was my worst hour.

However I do understand it can be hard. Follow your heart and mind. Write it down. Then accept it whatever your choice. Keep it safe so you can look back at why u had to make that choice. I hope you're okay. As you can see there are a lot of women in the same boat.

I have 3 kids btw.

So I finally told my partner a couple of days ago and it didn't go as bad as I thought it would have. He said it's totally my choice and he will stand by me either way but to remember to be realistic. We really are tight for money and only just get by every month. I was just about to go back to work and get a job during school hours but I'm not sure I can do that while pregnant now? I'm 8 weeks on Friday. My mind still keeps going back and forth and my thoughts aren't becoming any clearer. It's just such an impossible choice. I'm also terrified to give birth again but I think if I did, I would stand my ground in the maternity ward once I'd gone into labour. Last time I was sent home and as soon as I got in the car I needed to push, I found walking from the car back to hospital incredibly uncomfortable and it made the whole experience scary. Despite me telling the midwife I wasn't close away from giving birth. I keep thinking surely there would be a way for us to get through, we are doing it with 4 so what's 1 more? But I don't know if that's selfish. Thank you again for your advice and for taking the time to post here x

• I wasn't far away

Sorry

Thank you, I'll have to get those vitamins. I also haven't told anyone but my partner and I'm approaching 8 weeks (Friday). I don't plan to tell anyone until people can notice for themselves really. The sickness definitely plays a huge factor in my self-doubt of whether or not I can actually do this. It's so consuming. I keep thinking if I terminated this pregnancy, I would never even want to try again because I would feel too bad. I can't just keep choosing this path and expecting what I want in life to come to me when I want it to. I feel a lot of pressure this time around. Thank you again for all your advice x

@lavendersol don't worry this was me. I terminated then tried again and wanted to terminate again but didn't. Keep talking to yourself and tell yourself it's only a few more weeks. Also eat what you like I had a lot of takeouts because I couldn't stand the smell of cooking, even had crisps etc. I actually wanted a big family after child no 2 then after child number 3s pregnancy (the one I didn't terminate) I decided no more. You'll figure it out don't worry. Just be very kind to yourself and I promise the HG will pass. You're just in the thick of it right now.

Thank you so much. I've seen on a lot of threads you've helped loads of women talking about your own experience and that's such a kind thing to do 🩷