Partner doesn’t want to keep baby

[Maddielou]

A week ago I found out I am pregnant with my 3rd baby. It was unplanned (we thought we had been careful).

I have been back and fourth over what to do. On one hand we already have two children already (10 and 5) and my partner has a 17 year old from a previous marriage. I know that the extra baby would put a bit more of a strain on us in terms of finances and having to divide our attention between children with very different parenting needs.

On the other hand, I know that the baby would be so loved and bring so much joy. I also had a termination when I was 17 and I swore that I would never put myself through that again.

Af first my partner said that it was my decision, but made it clear he didn’t think it was a good idea. Since then iv booked an appointment at the clinic but I have also started taking pre natal vitamins as I want to do the best for the baby should I keep it.

I am 4 weeks now and feeling that I want to keep the baby but my partner is still really against it and keeps telling me what a bad idea it would be. I understand his concerns but when we spoke in the past about what we would do if I became pregnant again he said that we would manage and that he couldn’t get rid of a baby. Yet it feels like now that’s exactly what he’s asking me to do.

I am just so conflicted about what to do. I want the best for my children of course and I am worried about what a 3rd baby would mean for them, but I really don’t know if I can go through with an abortion.

Hi Maddielou, I'm so sorry you're in this situation, especially when your partner previously said he'd welcome another child and that terminating was off the table. That's a big thing to go back on. It's clear that you are open to the idea of adding another child to the family and have already started taking the best care of this new life. It's heartbreaking that you have already been through an abortion and know what it is like, physically and emotionally. Your partner should not be asking you to go through that again when you have such painful memories of it. If he pushes you (or makes statements that could be interpreted as threats) toward aborting, it's going to take a toll on your relationship. He needs to understand that no matter what direction you take, things are not going to be the same as they were before. If you end up depressed or mournful, he may feel guilty, or worse, annoyed that you aren't "getting over it." I don't think men really grasp what it's like for a woman to make that choice, even if it is for the most understandable reasons. If he is not listening, or it's hard to talk about, maybe write him a letter or email, and ask that he think about it before you talk it out again. In families I know that have more than two children, so often the youngest child does add a really special dynamic. I know my little sister did, and we're still close friends today. I hope your partner will come around, as it sounds like this is a wanted child. I'll be thinking about you, Maddielou

@NeonCarrot Thank you, I have tired to explain to him how I’m feeling but he’s just not understanding - or not wanting to. Despite him appearing initially supportive of my decision he’s actually becoming quite unsupportive. He told me today that I’m ’delusional’ and that having another baby won’t ’make him stay with me’. He thinks we need to focus on the children we already have and another baby will just cause problems for us as a couple and a family.

I understand his concerns I really do and I am taking them on board but ultimately if it’s my decision as he claimed it was then he would support me either way.

This is the hardest decision iv ever had to make :(

Please listen to your instincts- I wish i had. last year i got prengant unexpectadely with a second and we already had an 8 year old. my husband wasnt keen- for many reasons you said and I whilst i was worried about the impact on our family, emotionally i felt connected to the baby but instead of listening to my gut I allowed myself to be caught up with the 'practical' reasons. Well it was the worst decision i even made- it broke me mentally and I reallly, really resented him- they dont have to deal with the emotional fall out from the abortion they just see it as something to get rid of but no one tells you that you dont just wipe the slate clean and go back to where you were, it will always be something that happened. in the end we went on to have another baby and its been an absolute blessing for our family- my son adores him and we have made it work. But this was the hard way of doing it and I would give anything to have kept the initial pregnancy. please do what your instinct is telling you, your husband is likely to come around and you can work things through. what you can't do is bring back the pregnancy. so many prengancies are unplanned and families make it work. wishing you all the best and do access some counselling if you can to process the decision. listen to what you want as ultimately you will have to cope with the fall out x

Thank you for your honesty, Saskia, I know that there are many thousands or even millions of women who feel the same.

Maddielou, I wish I had a strategy for you, I sat here for a while thinking about it. If I was you I would say something like "I have already had an abortion and it was devastating to me, I am still healing from that. I'm sorry if you don't understand how painful that is, but the thought of going through it again fills me with sadness and dread. I am excited about having another child and I feel confident you will too once the baby comes." Maybe he will agree to a vasectomy so that you both know that you can not have to worry about any surprise pregnancies in the future - if he's willing to do that, it might put his mind at ease a little. I'll be thinking about you, dear. Be strong, calm, and assertive. We all make compromises in marriage, but this should not have to be one of them.