Anxious mess- don’t understand how this has happened

[sadandscared90]

I’m a month out from my MA and really struggling.
I don’t understand why I did it at all. It’s like a completely different person made that decision. The pregnancy was planned (it happened much more quickly than we thought) but we had deliberately stopped contraception and decided we wanted a baby. I was taking vitamins and starting to track my cycle. I was so excited.
Then as soon as I got the positive test, I freaked out. I couldn’t think of the positives, I just felt I had made a stupid mistake getting pregnant and ruined our lives. I couldn’t stop crying and could barely work. I felt so down.
I just wanted the pregnancy to go away. I kept researching abortion. My partner was so supportive and said he would support me in whichever decision.
I thought of all the reasons I couldn’t go through with abortion and knew I would feel guilty and regret it afterwards but it was like it didn’t register emotionally. I felt numb and like the consequences didn’t matter.
I went to my booking appointment and had a private scan as I couldn’t decide what to do.
Now I just hate myself. I’m so anxious all the time. I keep thinking everyone will find out what I’ve done and judge me and I will lose all my friends and family. I keep thinking my partner will leave me or resent me. It will be all over my medical records so if I get pregnant again I will have to explain it.
All I want to do is get pregnant again and have a second chance but how can I?! I don’t understand how I’ve ended up here. I wanted a baby and I just threw it away!

I am so sorry you have been through this- there are a number of us on here who have done the same as you. perinatal anexity/depression is real but rarely recomgnised and makes you feel so negative and panic. Like you when I found out I was pregnant I paniced and just went into a black hole and ended up terminating. the few months after were as you described the worst mentally I have ever experienced. I dont think services do enough to check whether someone is having a mental health wobble rather than actually not wanting the pregnancy. please dont blame yourself- you were ill and it was the hormones it wasn't you. I went onto have another baby and I promise I was never judged once by the healthcare profesionals- they have seen it all before. I did seek help from the perinantal mh team when pregnant to help me deal with the feelings. I promise over time the rawness and grief will decrease- it will always be part of you but not the intensity you feel now. There are charities like ARCH and Stillwaters who provide specialist post abortion counselling/ helplines- both were so helpful to me in helping me process what has happened so do contact them. please message anytime- I ve been where you are and it was other ladies on here who had been through it to who helped get me through. sending you best wishes- you will get through this and gradually you will go though hours where it won't be the thing on your mind and over time will fade to feel like a bad dream x