Am I being too selfish?

[Ninjamaa]

Hi
I am a mum of toddler under 2, she’s a little ninja and I’m very happy in life. I’d made plans to go back to uni and start working on myself. I already hold a masters but couldn’t work in my field of study because of where I am living there’s little to no jobs in my area of study where I live & I also wanted to have a baby so needed time off after my masters. Hence I didn’t really work in my field of study & it’s been 3 years already. I was going to do another masters in an allied health care profession as I feel with that I can get a stable job in any setting rural or urban. I feel like I need to study right now as I’m going to be in my 30s soon. And I wanted to have my second baby in my 30s. I basically wanted to get my studies done and over with so I could have a stable job and then raise my family in my 30s I am currently in my late 20s. My husband was okay with it all. But I have just found out I’m expecting (didn’t want to get pregnant rn) I am considering terminating the pregnancy because my last pregnancy was not smooth at all and now I have a toddler who is high spirited. I don’t think I can cope and I don’t have family support near me. This reason along with my plans to study and work are making me want to have an abortion. My husband doesn’t want abortion but I know he wont carry the baby he won’t be home he won’t be raising the kids so I kind of feel my opinion is more important. Anyways am I being too selfish in thinking for myself? I feel I am but I want to achieve things I already feel I’ve done nothing for 3 years. The other option is have the baby stay home another 3 years and then go back to study and achieve the things I want to do. But with two kids who will be of school going age and trying to study is going to be too much to handle. I’m 80% sure I want to terminate the pregnancy. I haven’t told my family and I feel if they know about my decision they would want me not go ahead with abortion and I’d be the only person wanting it while my husband and my family they’d all try and convince me otherwise and mess with my head. Has anyone else been in this situation? Or went to uni to study with young kids without family support? I have heard of contraceptive methods so please no smart comments.

Mother here who has had 3 kids and also a medical abortion so hopefully can give you some perspective ...

First of all it's your body and your fertility. The ultimate decision lies with you. You are not selfish for not wanting to be pregnant. You are considering what is best for you.

I had two under 2 in my late 20s and had no career prospects. Suddenly I found myself in a situation where I retrained, got a job and unexpectedly found myself pregnant again at 33. While my career was slow off the mark, you cannot tell the difference now between me and someone who hasn't had children. I retrained and studied with two small children, not much family support but I had student grants that allowed me to pay for childcare and that helped a lot.

I recently however had a medical abortion at 40. Having another baby at my age at the point where my career is, and the needs my older children now have made me decide it wasn't worth having another baby. I would end up miserable, not being able to be present for my children and again slowing down in my career progression. I don't consider myself selfish. I consider myself measured for making sure I took all factors into account.

If you decide to keep it (without pressure from anyone else) you may find that it wont stop you from progressing overall - you are still relatively young. If you decide you don't want to be pregnant, that's ok too. I think it's far more humane to consider how the impacts another child can have and if you are able to meet that.

Wishing you all the best x

It's so hard when life takes a turn from what we planned. It sounds like you definitely did want a second child, so you need to weigh the pros and cons of the pregnancy you have right now. Having two children who are closer in age might mean that they will be closer friends as they grow up, and if you wait and have a larger age gap they may not have as much in common. Even though pregnancy is rough, being younger usually is a good thing when it comes to possible issues and risks. Having your second child now means you already have all the baby items - bath tub, high chair, toys, clothes - and if you only want two children, you can get rid of these items after the second one no longer needs them, and your husband could get a vasectomy if you both are happy with the size of your family. You have to consider that if you establish your career now, there may never be another really good time to have another baby and you may have to be happy with just one child. If your husband really wants to keep this baby, ask if he is willing to help more (mention specific jobs) around the house so that you don't get stuck doing everything. Sometimes we look back in life and see that the accidents are actually better than what we planned. I hope that you can come to a decision that is best for you and your family in the long run.