Regret and decisions

[London303]

Hi all. So last year had a termination at 4wk6days. A huge regret and am haunted over it. At the time I felt it was best for our situation but realistically it was sheer fear and panic. The big issues I agonised over are now tiny irrelevant things. Since then I have gone back and forth about ttc again...but I'm in a hole of 1. Will I feel the same again upset and panic 2. Have I given myself bad luck now and something will happen / be wrong 3. I dont deserve it, I had my chance.....my 2 are getting older 8 and 10 and that fear of upsetting them they wouldnt want another sibling. My heart says yes and is yet torn. I feel will I always live with this guilt and regret. My heart says I'm not done.....

what is your relationship like?

this issue aside, are you happy in life?

Really nice to be fair. So grateful for what I have (which also makes me tell myself, get over yourself you have so much!) Really good relationship supportive hubby. I know he would love more but would never push the issue with me

i think you should consider therapy for that experience

I’m learning (slowly!) that if I’m going to imagine the awful ‘what if’s’ Then it’s only fair to imagine the amazing ones too. What if; number 3 is the missing piece of the puzzle, what if: life is amazing and your other kids are so proud of their baby sibling.

if you can afford it and you can provide a safe loving home for a new baby and their siblings then if it’s what your heart desires then there’s absolutely no reason why not.

Pregnancy hormones are funny things and not everyone is in their right mind when that panicked decision needs to be made - that doesn’t mean you need to be defined by it. ❤️

Thanks for your supportive words xx

pretty similar situation to you last year that i have a chid of a similar age (8) and paniced and had a termination which devastated me and was the wrong decision. unlike you I wasnt sensible and grieved first and instead rushed into trying again way too quickly and now have a 6 month old. So to answer your questions (1) you may panic again- even 2nd time round i was contacting termination services but accessed counselling and recongised that its more a symptom of my mh e.g whatever option i take, i always think i should have taken option b. so if you panic this time you know its more a brain being anexious thing than reality. pre-natal anexity is a thing and rarely recognised compared to post natal depression. you can also access perinatal mh services when trying to concieve if having that support would help with the panic. (2) you havent lost your chance- the unvierse does not work that way. its important to rationalise that you were very very early stages so you have no idea if things would have gone wrong anyway. I won't lie my pregnancy was tough- like you i worried i would be 'punished' and something would be wrong/go wrong. Again getting support from a perinatal team can help you work through those feelings. It did feel better once he was in my arms but I am not going to lie that feeling still lurks around a bit. (3) My 9 year old has absolutely embraced the baby- ive seen such an amazing side to him and am so proud even though during my pregnancy i worried i was ruining his life. (4) the grief never entirely goes- i do wish more than anything i had kept the first pregnancy but am grateful for another chance and the baby has helped me heal. someone once described it as almost like a love interest in terms of the one who got away. (5) its important I think to process do you want another baby or just for the termination not to have happened. because i rushed into another pregnancy so quick i am unsure myself but it sounds like you have left it some time. also wanting a baby is not a black or white thing- there is a continum of why we may have a child. Sorry for the essay! I am so glad i have got another chance and its so far been a positive thing but I won't deny its messes with your mind- it doesnt wipe the slate clean but he has bought me so much joy compared to the pure grief of last year. please message any time- there are a few of us who were in similar positions wishing you all the best x

Thanks so much for your reply. You make so much sense and in what you say. It's refreshing and so so honest.