Am I an evil person?!

[sadandscared90]

My pregnancy was kind of planned. Me and my partner decided to come off contraception. I was taking conception vitamins and loosely tracking my cycle (had been for a year before I took my coil out). I very much wanted a baby. We weren’t in the best position as we are renovating a house and it is really no place for a baby (no kitchen, no washing machine, no flooring dust and dirt everywhere). After a couple of weeks, I had a panic and decided it wasn’t the right time to try and we would start using condoms and wait a few months, I was already pregnant but didn’t know it at this point.
I found out at 7 weeks and panicked. I thought I had made a terrible mistake and having a baby would be the worst thing ever. I thought it would ruin my life, none of my friends have them yet so I thought they would not want to be friends with me. I had only been with my partner less than 2 years so I thought everyone would judge me for getting pregnant so soon. My partner has a teenage son and I thought it would ruin his life and he wouldn’t want to see his dad anymore. I thought I wouldn’t be able to travel and my career would suffer.
I just kept thinking, I wish I had waited 6 months to a year until the house was in a better state and we had been on the big holiday we had booked, my partners son had settled into his gcse years and the new house and we had the dog we promised him.
I kept going back and forth and couldn’t decide. I had a private scan and a midwife appointment and felt nothing when I saw the baby on the screen. I had some bleeding and kept hoping it was a miscarriage. I was driving one day and (briefly) thought how good it would feel to crash and the baby not survive.
I wrote posts on here and everyone gave me good advice about how the renovations could be done and we could still travel etc. I ignored them all cos it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I wanted my desire to abort to be validated. I thought we could abort this one and try again in 6 months. I read loads of posts about people who aborted and never regretted it and had healthy babys not long after.
I decided to order the abortion pills so I had the option as I was 9 weeks and running out of time to decide. I kept looking up what the baby was like and how big and decided I couldn’t go through with the abortion as I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt. But then the day the pills came (the last day I could take them), I had a long chat with my partner. He was pro keeping the baby but said he thought we should abort as I clearly didn’t want it (he didn’t know what to do and was distressed at how down I was). He said we could try again when we were ready in a few months time.
I had spoken to one friend. She reassured me that it wasn’t a baby, it was some cells. And I could try again when the time was right.
I took the first pill. I felt relieved for 2 hours. Then I felt regret. I didn’t want to take the second pills but felt I had no choice.
I have been in the biggest depression ever since (2 weeks). I can’t work, I can’t sleep. I hate myself. Everytime I speak to any of my friends or family, I think how much they would judge me if they knew what I had done. My partner has been so caring and understanding but I feel like he must resent me deep down or at the very least think I’m mental or horrible.
All I can think about now is how we could have made it all work and been so happy. I want a baby so badly and want to try again but how can I knowing I’ve done this?
What if I can’t get pregnant again, I’m 30 so not exactly young!
I feel like whatever happens, I’ll always have this black mark over my head for having done such a horrible thing. I’ll have to keep it secret from my family and friends forever as I will be judged.
I have always been pro choice but I had no reasons to choose this! I planned a baby and then terminated as it was a bit inconvenient and I wanted to wait 6 months! I am a horrible person.

You are not a horrible or evil person. You panicked and felt pressure. The women prior didn't validate your abortion choices for fear of how your feeling now and tried to warn you that's all. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have had my abortion but you are not horrible or evil for this your just going through the motions be gentle on yourself. I am 37 on the pill 20 years had sex and got pregnant so 30 is so young . Go easy on yourself hun xxx

You are NOT evil or horrible for doing this.

The thing with choices is we don't know how we feel about them until it's happened. And sometimes the consequences of a choice make us change our minds to something completely opposite. And that's the beauty of making a choice - it informs us of how we will decide later on.

Many women have babies well into their 30s and even 40s now. Your time will come again, whenever that is.

I'm very confident in my decision to have a MA but I'm processing what happened and it's not something we can easily talk about to just anyone. It's an incredibly lonely thing to process.

Please be gentle with yourself, think about what you would say if you were your own best friend - what would you say to her? Go easy and gentle. You are not horrible for this xx

Thanks both. All I want to do is try again. We had planned it and wanted it. But how can I do that knowing I have just terminated one. I would feel like I didn’t deserve it, there are so many women who struggle to get pregnant and I was so ungrateful when i did!
I can’t tell anyone cos no one will understand bur I hate having secrets!

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't think it makes you an evil person at all, though I can relate to why are feeling that way. I terminated my first pregnancy, and for many years afterwards felt that what I had done was unforgivable, and struggled to come to terms with it.
I did have some counselling which helped - so I would definitely say this is something you should look into if it's available in your area. The counselling helped me to understand why I'd made my decision, and how I'd been influenced by others. It was partly through fear - which can stop us from thinking clearly, and makes us vulnerable to being influenced by others rather than listening to our own thoughs. Also listening to the advice of so-called 'friends'. One in particular told me the same as your friend told you that 'it's only a few cells, not a baby'. She'd had a termination a few months earlier, so I saw her as some sort of expert on the matter, in a similar way to you reading posts from people on here who never regretted it.
I don't think it's made clear enough how difficult it is to come to terms with termination when you make the wrong decision. For me I still grieve the loss decades later.
I hope you manage to move forward in a positive way from, the chances of being unable to get pregnant again are very low, so I would try not to worry too much about this xx

pregnancy does horrendous things to our minds and there are a number of us who paniced and were in a negative space when making the decision. there are many of us on here who have gone on to have healthy pregnancies and babies- im 40 and managed to conceive again. the first few weeks are the worst- all the emotion about why you may want the baby hit you after and all the potential problems seem so easy to solve atterwards. the first few weeks are raw and you go through grief replaying everything and regretting but some of that are the hormones leaving your body and some of that is the reaction of what would have been.... the thing is you will never know- it may have not made it anyway etc etc. for now be kind to yourself- you will be able to have another chance when it feels better. there is a charity called ARCH that has a helpline that you can phone anytime- they were my saviour in the first few weeks after as they provide a listening ear from someone who themsevles has had a termination. please message any of us on here- many of us have been where you are and its such a private grief but message us because we support each other. it will not be this raw forever- over time you will go longer and longer without thinking about it and it will become a smaller rathet than all consuming part of you.

You're far from an evil person. You're torturing yourself. You didn't know how this would feel and it's clear you agonised over your decision. The only person you've caused harm to (unintentionally) is yourself, so be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace.

The weird thing about abortions is how some people can skip away merrily and move on with their lives, and others are left devastated. And it's a strange thing that you can't know which group you'll be in beforehand. Equally do not discount that it's going to take a few months for hormones to balance out, and they can be very, very powerful.

30 is still very young. I'm 34 and pregnant with my 3rd, but most of my friendship group are only just having their first (or 2nd max). You have plenty of time so give yourself time to heal and don't rush into things.

Keep your head above water. Get some short term anti depressants to take the edge off and stop the rumination and help you function. It will take time but you WILL feel better. This won't last forever. Think about the dreams you had - get your house how you wanted it, go on an amazing holiday that would have been too difficult with a baby. This is just a tiny chapter of your life.