Hope after heartbreaking choice to terminate

[Hope202418]

Hello, this is my first post on here and I guess I am looking for hope and to feel I’m not alone.

I am 35 and had an unexpected unplanned pregnancy after 1 date (I knew the man for 10 years prior to this just as a casual friend but nothing deep) Before I get judged, I’m aware that I was irresponsible due to taking precautions. However due to my age, my fertility I didn’t think it would have been so easy to get pregnant which looking back was very stupid of me.

after emotional abuse such as the father telling me to abort, the baby would resent me, what would people think of me being a single mum, my life is ruined, we will never be together and I’m on my own. My mental health took a bad turn and I had an early termination. I was so worried bringing an innocent child into the world with an emotionally abusive man and I didn’t want a baby to be tied to that man all because I was irresponsible in regards to birth control. It’s been the most heartbreaking thing I’ve done and I feel like I let my child down. I feel that it could have been my only chance given my age but at the time of abortion I wasn’t thinking of myself, all I was thinking was the life for my unborn baby and what was fair for baby as I didn’t want my baby from the start to be in the middle of custody and legal battles as I know deep down the dad would have been involved as he got a solicitor involved very early on and I got worried he would make our lives a living hell. I suffer from anxiety and I wasn’t sure if mentally I was prepared to be a single mum with a dad like that in and out of our lives.

I guess I’m asking if anyone has been in a similar situation and if they went on to find love and had a family 35+. I feel like such a bad person aborting a baby that I felt so much love and protection for, my heart is broken.

Hi @Hope202418 im so sorry about what your going through I had abortion in may im 38 in two months. I met a great guy so I thought on a long travel holiday. We were friends then end up sleeping together. 3 diffrent times I told him I wasn't on the pill to be careful he wasn't. When I found out I was pregnant he said he didn't want to help me financially or be in child's like. At this point I was not working lived in a one bed apartment and now was pregnant with no financial help and even worse my child was being rejected by their dad. I was beyond broken and depressed. My dad left me when I was a baby till I was 21 and I have had deep trauma from that never felt good enough deep abandonment wounds and rage beyond words . I'm still trying to undo the bad programming this gave me. I also panicked and said but I'm almost 37 what if this is my only chance to have a baby . But I loved my baby and knew it wasn't right to knowingly bring a child into the world and the dad not want the baby and the trauma my child would face like I did and so prepetuating generational trauma for another generation . So I had an abortion.

I had to do it 3 times due to retained tissue . It was hell and I had deep regret. But I want to say this to you it was not only your responsibility it was his so do not take all this burden on you . He is the man he could have also prevented a pregnancy he didn't. I felt deep shame and my councilor said to me no shame on him for not doing the right thing and standing by a child and supporting you when he was the one who got you pregnant the shame on them !! You like me were in such a painfully difficult place and we tried to protect our babies from a life we didn't for them like an unhappy single mother struggling and possibly depressed and an absent father. They are absolutely vile for putting us in this situation. Yes we could or took extra precautions but so could they have! They were cowards and took the coward way out.

Some time has passed for me and it's easing up the pain. Not too much but say by day there is some light in my life. We can either let this define us destroy us or strengthen us. I'm going to let it strengthen me and I chose to beleive with my whole heart that my baby will come back to me when I have an amazing dad who will love me and the baby so much and give my baby the family they deserve and this will happen for you too I promise you. The babies are resting in heaven while we do some more deep healing work to be better mammas for them when they are ready to come to us. I hope this has helped . Be gentle with yourself and sending you all the love ♥️ xxx

Thank you @Tinydancer222 for your kind message. Your message sounds very similar to my situation, I myself went through this in May and unemployed, although I since have been offered my dream job so maybe it was a sign from my baby that things are coming together.

I think it’s so difficult as as soon as I felt pregnant I felt very protective and part of me feels I let my baby down but the other part of me makes me think i did what was right for a baby’s future. The thought of being tied to a man who acted this way was something I didn’t want to put a child through and I got scared of future custody battles/visit to court and fighting with a innocent baby in the middle of it all.

I am sorry you have also gone through this similar situation. You sound like you will be the best mum when the time comes and you also did what was right for a future child. But the pain is heartbreaking I know.

i think when there is so much emphasis on how it’s a struggle to get pregnant In 30s we all are capable of being ‘too relaxed’ thinking it’ll never happen that easily. We must be very fertile 😂

thanks again for your kind words, it really means so much and gives me strength xxx

@Hope202418 your so welcome and you are so strong never forget that !!! You will
be an amazing mother to your future babies too . You done the right thing for you at the time as did I with my decision. We will get through this . Some days will be harder than others and that's when we have to dig deep and pick ourselves up and love ourselves and be kind and gentle to ourselves and truly believe our babies are in heaven and when the time is right and we have amazing dads and life for them they will come back to us. I truely beleive this.

This is our first time on this planet and we are only human. Hindsight is a great thing but we didn't have crystal balls. You defiantly did not let your baby down one bit you were in a horrific position and alone ! Hormones panic and bad bad men cowardly abandoning us is not a good mix . It takes two to tango and they are also responsible but they ran like cowards !

We done what we could and we're not bad people. Our hearts breaking shows how beautiful and big our hearts are and the decisions were absolutely not made lightly .

Take the lessons and try stay as positive and work with a very very good counselor not one that just nods and smiles, my counselor is amazing. You're a beautiful soul and you done the best you could and done the right thing for your life right now . Forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself okay. Mind yourself and sending you lots love love and healing xx 💕