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Pregnancy choices

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Surprise Pregnancy After Being Done Having Kids - Partner Doesn’t Want Pregnancy

3 replies

Adatie · 02/07/2024 11:39

Hello - I’m looking for advice/help from anyone who has been in a similar position. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years and have a great relationship. He has two teenagers from a previous relationship (they stay with us twice a week) and we have a 4 year old together. We both work, have a decent amount of disposable income and own our own house (although it is only a three bedroom). After we had a little one, my partner made it clear that he didn’t want any more babies - we have a large age gap and he is in his late 40’s. I totally understood this, and although I would happily have had loads more babies, made peace with it. We have a pretty great life, our little one is about to start school so we were looking forward to getting a bit of our life back and into a normal routine. He was also planning to retire from his military job early next year and start his own business. Last Friday I found out that I’m 4 weeks pregnant. It is absolutely a massive shock for both of us - I take the pill religiously. The night we found out we both cried and talked at length - he was very comforting and listed a thousand reasons why having another baby will be really hard and negatively impact our life. We don’t have a spare room, it’ll negatively impact on the attention we can give to our other children (at least in the short term). More than anything he just doesn’t want another baby, he’s done with babies. We’ve talked about termination, which is what he wants. It’s what I thought I wanted too, but the closer I get to the consultation appointment the more I realise I just don’t think I can go through with it. Rationally I know all his reasons are true, but something in my heart/gut is screaming at me not to do this. I’ve taken the pill religiously since our little one was born so we both know this is no one’s fault and is a one in a million accident. I am massively torn - go with my heart and tell him I can’t go through with the termination, forcing him to have a baby he doesn’t want, and in the short term make his/our life so much harder. Or go with the decision he wants and go against everything I feel inside? A huge part of me feels that everything happens for a reason and this pregnancy is a gift in disguise long term. I love him and our life so much - I am absolutely terrified by the thought that he would find this too much and leave - meaning I have to split custody of our 4 year old, which would destroy me. I have no idea what to do and am desperately struggling - please help?

OP posts:
Froniga · 02/07/2024 11:48

I was in similar situation many years ago. I got as far as turning up at the hospital for termination but then said I couldn’t go through with it. We managed although financially it was difficult. But little ones grow up and go to school and then I went back to work. Somehow it’ll work out.
by the way my husband was dead against the prospect of a 3rd child.
Go with your heart.
My blessings to you.

Tinydancer222 · 02/07/2024 18:16

Hi @Adatie i just had a termination a few weeks ago . My circumstances are very diffrent to yourself but still a termination and I deeply regret it. The mind is intelligent the heart not so much . My gut didn't want the abortion my body didn't want it but I let my smart head talk me into the abortion and I've felt hell on earth and I'm struggling . You have a 4 year old and that means they will have a sibling close in age for life which is beautiful. I know you were on the pill but he's so adamant he didn't want kids why didn't he get the snip. This is your body and you will be left carrying the burden if you regret it not him. I don't say this to scare or sway you but I wish I had someone say to me listen to your gut I wished I listened to it. He says now he doesn't want one but if you have the baby he will love it. No one regrets a child well I don't think they do . A child will love you more deeply than a man ever can. They will leave us but kids won't. It's hard and I'm so sorry but if your gut is that strong listen to it . Then maybe he could get the snip and this is your last baby . From a person who didnt listen to her gut my advice is listen to the body and heart not the head. If you need to mesage me you can . Just mind yourself and don't rush like I did. Sending you a big hug hun xxx

Saskia2023 · 02/07/2024 23:05

I was in a similar position to you - husband late 40s one child thought we were done. Got pregnant and my husband wasn't keen. I felt guilty and frisked out so terminated r even though in my heart I wanted it. I have spent the last 18 months regretting not listening to my heart and resented my hyabanf for nor supoorting me to keep it. Your husband will accept the pregnancy- so many people go ahead with unplanned pregnancies and the baby becines the love of the family. We ate taught that terminations are straightforward and for some people they are but you never go back ro pre it and you can always feel grief. I had a breakdown after mine and felt a huge piece of me was missing. We have since gone onto have a planned for baby who I love and helped me heal but I wish more than anything that I had kept my unplanne pregnancy. So please do what you need to do. Men don't have the emotional fallout from the termination and if they were that against other kids they could have jaf a vasectomy. Message any time as its a hard place to be in

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