43 and feeling lost

[Alwayssomething14]

Please no negative responses this is tough enough as it is.

Jan 22 age 40, surprise pregnancy, mental health wasn't great at the time, termination followed. Sept 22 age 41, surprise pregnancy again, in a much better place mentally, but baby had many issues with a 10% chance of survival. TFMR.
These were both surprises as my 9 year old DD was IVF.

Both terminations were complicated requiring further procedures and overnight hospital stays. Periods didn't return for 6 months the 2nd time and haven't been the same since. This month I've totally missed one but have still had period pain every day as if it's due.

With a whole host of other symptoms ,(,I've previously posted about) I feel I could be going into peri or I've got some lasting damage from the procedures. I have a phone consultation tomorrow with GP to discuss.

I'm riddled with guilt over my first termination. I feel I let myself and my family down and took away my DDs right to a sibling. I cry most days thinking I passed on our opportunity and now it's too late as my body is aging. That in itself brings on anxiety.

I don't really know why I'm posting, maybe a handhold, or to hear from anyone else who maybe have felt similar. I just don't know how I learn to live with the decision and how to accept that I'm probably too old now to have another baby.

Hi @Alwayssomething14 my situation is very diffrent to yours. I'm single 37 no children and has a termination 5 weeks ago. Wasn't in a committed relationship although I thought he was a great guy he pushed me to abort and said he wouldn't support the financially or be in the baby's life and that part broke me as my dad left me for the first 21 years of my life and left me with deep abandonment issues and rage and desperately low self worth or felt good enough and my heart broke at the thought of bringing a child into the world knowing the dad wouldn't be around and then my child going through that same generational trauma broke me . So I had an abortion when I really did not want to . I have deep regret and pain and I'm suffering . Although our situations are very diffrent here's what I will say and I hope it helps.

1. FAITH never lose faith in what you truly want you are not too old for another baby . Have faith and hope that you will have another baby and if that is your desire and you truly beleive it it will happen. It's the same energy having negative energy you won't have another one so why not switch it to positive and see what happens . It sure as will feel a lot better than being negative. I've panicked at times thinking I'm almost 38 what if I don't meet a loving man to have a family with and this was my only shot to had a child. But where will that thinking get me ? Insane or on a grave so I have to choose faith over fear.

2. Try not to feel guilty you are only human as am I. And in that moment we made the best decision we thought was right . Hindsight is great but only after it after the fact we see it ?

3. We can not predict the future? If your mental health was bad and if you did go ahead with your pregnancy how do you not know your mental health may have gotten far worse and even very dark ? Maybe you might not of even been able to cope at all ? How do you know if you would have bonded with the child if your mental health was so bad ? You may not have. These are things we never know what may have happened had we went ahead. So don't be so hard on yourself.

4. From all the research I've done and doctors I've spoke to there is no affect of fertility or body from terminations even surgical once's expect for one possible side affect of surgical one I can't remember the name off it off hand but apparently it's very rare. ( if you Google it you will get the name but again very rare) Your body is probably just recovering and may needed a little bit longer.

5. You are a beautiful wonderful soul with a big gorgeous heart who feels very deeply and feels so wounded by your decision but please know you are loved you are deserving of happiness and we never know maybe these babies souls were not ready to come meet us just yet so their gone home to rest and come back later when we and them are ready for earth . Go gentle on yourself like you would a best friend your just one human that is all . You are beautiful xxx

@Tinydancer222 thank you for such a beautiful heartfelt reply ❤️ I wish you all the happiness and positivity for the future xx

@Alwayssomething14 your welcome hun mind yourself okay and if you ever need to message me please do. Go easy on yourself . Lots of hugs and love to you xx