First pregnancy at 38 and not sure whether to keep it

[Indecisivewoman1]

Hi all,

This is my first post so hope it's in the right place etc.

I'm currently 38 and my husband is 41. I've just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant with our first child.

A bit of background. We never wanted kids and have always been happy with our life together. We've been together for 17 years and married for 8 and we're best friends. A couple of years ago we decided we would like to try for a baby. Finally after almost 2 years of trying and some diagnosed medical issues, we were told we'd unlikely get pregnant naturally and we'd need to start IVF straight away.

We were very upset by this but had always agreed that we didn't want to proceed with IVF. Our need for a baby obviously wasn't that strong. Anyway, after this news, we had come to terms with the fact we wouldn't have a child and made some big changes to our lives (everything was on standby as we were hoping for a pregnancy). I've enrolled on a year long course and plan on setting up my own business next year. I'm also likely to be made redundant at the end of this year. My husbands job is also not entirely secure due to a company sale. We've also started lots of new hobbies and booked some lovely holidays.

I've now found out that I'm pregnant, naturally, and this has come as a complete shock to us and I really don't know how to feel about it. After trying for so long, desperate for that positive, I'm now not sure I want it and I feel absolutely awful about it. My husband and I have talked over and over about this and my husband cannot see any positives in having a child. He is worried about our age, he will be 42 when baby is born and I'll be 39. He said he doesn't want a teenager when he's 60. I agree with him and think we have just started living our lives more again and have plans and I'm concerned about being older parents.

We're also concerned about health issues of the baby and a harder pregnancy being older, and financial issues if we did lose our jobs.

However, I feel like we've been blessed with this opportunity and it will literally be our only chance at having a baby, and when I think of not keeping it I feel so sad and can't stop crying. I've been a crying mess since I found out 2 days ago and I don't want to get out of bed. My husband is really depressed and I've never seen him like this. He really doesn't want to keep it although he said he'll do whatever I want and I know he loves me. I just worry that I'll have regrets whatever we decide, my husband won't be happy if we go ahead, and honestly I'm not sure if I will be, but then I also think I will regret not keeping it. I just don't want to be in this situation and wish it had never happened.

I just wanted to get this off my chest and would really love to hear some advice or similar stories please.

Thank you x

Hey OP, so myself and my partner have been together 13/14 years. I’m currently 39 (40 in August) and he’s 42. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who’s 16. I feel pregnant in October even through we were using protection and being careful. We’d discussed kids before but never said ‘let’s go for it and try.’ I had an abortion when we first got together so never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d get pregnant at this age without trying. I immediately said I was keeping the baby. I’m due to have a c section in 2 weeks. My pregnancy has been tough for me, my BMI was high, my age risk factor, I have gestational diabetes and polyhydramnios. BUT none of those things are due to my age. I was consultant led from the beginning due to my age and BMI. I have more appointments to check on baby and myself, more scans and more tests than other women who are younger. Although it’s been tiring, it’s made me more relieved that they’ve been on top of everything.
I’m not saying have the baby, but I’m giving you a view from someone your age with a partner who’s the same age as mine.
I’m near the finish line now and Im so excited to become a mum and have a little family. Never did I think I’d put our ‘nights out’ and weekends to the back of my mind but I know that bringing a child into our lives will make everything so much more fulfilling for us. Whatever you decide, good luck, it’s your body and your choice xx

i think a lot of people have a wobble when finding out they are pregnant especially when its unplanned. i think some of the reaction may be because of the issues of not having a baby you have both understandable done a lot of mental rebuilding about what your life will be like without a child and put walls around that desire and its not suprising that now its happened out of the blue the defenses are up about it. its going to take time to get use to the idea. i think men wont have that emotional bond yet with the pregnancy so its easier for them to want to get on with how things are. But from the sound of it you really want this child. yes life wont be the same but there is no reason why you cant go on holidays. yes finances may be tough but finances are a movable beast- how they are now wont be where they necessarily are in a few years time. and some people think their circumstances are stable but then get made redundant anyway so dont let finances be the sole reason for your views as the emotional side will catch you up. remember half of pregnancies are unplanned and many people dont feel they are in the right circumstances but have love for the baby and make it work. don't worry about your ages- many people are this age or older (im 41, my husband 48 and my pregnancy was no different to my first pregnancy ten years previously) i know you are worried about your husband but if you terminated to suit his wishes it could mean you resent him. i think it would be important to get some counselling to explore what you want to do as its easy for the brain to get caught up in negative thoughts when making a pregnant decision especially in terms of considering other people's views. having counselling will help you identify what you want and what is important for you. if you need to please message me as Ive been in a similar position x

Hi

My circumstances are very diffrent to yours . I'm 37 not in a committed relationship fell pregnant and Childs dad wanted nothing to do with the baby or financially support. I was also unemployed. I have a degree and a home and I'm sure would have got a job. However I panicked I panicked at the thought of my child not having a dad and having to do it all alone. I had savings but not a job and I panicked .

The part of my story I want to tell you about which is what nobody told me and that was the deep regret and pain after I terminated my pregnancy. The abortion clinic told me you're sick for a few days and you get your life back . I do not feel that way . I'm in the depts of depression and the rage for the child's father I feel for pressuring me into having an abortion and then when I said no he said okay well I won't be there for the child or any fiances . I wish someone had of told me how much I would suffer after this . The regret and panic of realizing what I had done. I didn't want to terminate I just didn't want to do it alone. My advice is to really really sit with yourself and ask yourself if I terminate can I move on peacefully because like you I came on here and read other women's story's to help me decide . Then I decided okay I can't do it alone I can have the baby because I'm scared of the regret ! That was my reasoning. Now I wish I had of been scared of the regret and had the baby . I feel like I listened to my head and not my heart ? Maybe I didn't ? Only time will tell . I'm only 3 weeks post abortion . But I tell you one thing I wish I could go back and undo it more than any wish I could have in this world . Ultimately you will decide and I hope my story is not to upset you in any way I just wish I had of known that it's not a case of take the tablet and your life goes back to normal like the clinic said it's far far from that. Sending you so much love and hugs 💕 xxx

Thank you so much for replying and I'm sorry for what you're going through. It must be so hard and I really do feel for you. This is what I'm worried about feeling if I go through with it. My husband is still saying he doesn't want the baby and doesn't want our lives to change. We have so many plans etc and he's so concerned about our age. But he has said he'll support me and do what I want, it's just not what he wants. I really do agree with him that I'm happy with our life and we had so much to look forward to but at the same time, when I think about abortion I get so upset. I have a scan booked for next Tuesday and a consultation on Wednesday. I feel so sad about it but I also feel deep down that it's the right thing. I just know this is our only chance and I really don't want to regret anything. Hope you're doing ok xxx

@Saskia2023 thanks so much for taking the time to respond. You are completely right. If this has happened when we were trying it would have been completely different and yes, we would have been scared, but we would have been expecting it. We've made so many plans to change our life for the better and now that's up in the air. I have a scan booked in for Tuesday and consultation on Wednesday. I've already asked about having some counselling before making a final decision but I feel deep down maybe the abortion is the right way to go, it just makes me so sad to think about it. I love the idea of being pregnant and having a baby, but I feel like the later years when baby is older is what were really scared of and just not sure it's want we want. Such a horrible decision to have to make and I really didn't ever want to be in this position. Wish I could just know for sure either way. Did you feel the same when you found out? We're you trying to conceive? Xx

This is the thing I thought I was doing the right thing deep down and now I've done it I realised that it was the right thing for me . Maybe in time I will realise maybe it was the right thing but right now almost one month out I've deep deep regret. I also had a scan and seen the heart beat the next day had the termination and it killed me. I don't want to go into detail as I don't want to upset you and I'm trying not to sway your decision. I just wish I knew the pain and suffering I was in afterwards I wished I seen my suprise baby as a blessing and that my baby would have made my life better . I would have had a best friend forever and possibly a mini me which I would have loved a daughter. Just make sure you are 100% sure listen to your body not your head as my body told me and I ignored it and my body is breaking down as is my soul. It's changed me forever . I send you so much love and I really hope my message is not to sway you in anyway but to merely show the deep psychological affects it has on us women we feel deeper than the man ever will . If you want to private message me your welcome . Please mind yourself sending you love and hugs xxx

@AimeeLou84 thank you for replying. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult pregnancy. Hope you're doing ok. I'm not as concerned about the pregnancy side of it as my husband is. It's more the later years when we'll be near retirement age and possibly still have a child living at home. That really scares us. But at the same time, I'm sure if we had a child we'd love it and wouldn't care. It's just so hard to see anything other than what we were planning for our future, and in that didn't involve a child after being told it wouldn't happen for us. Hopefully after some counselling next week we'll be in a better position to make the decision. Wishing you all the best for the next couple of weeks and your c section. You must be so excited to meet baby Xx

It's heartbreaking reading the experiences of regret on this thread, I feel I could have written them myself, it's exactly how I feel. I had a termination at 20, and if I could go back in time I would tell my younger self not to listen to the opinions of others, and to to decide what I wanted to do for myself, not to be swayed by what others thought was best. I wish I'd tried to imagine how my life would be in 10 or 20 years time, to try and get some perspective. Though at 38 you probably do have a better idea of what you want from your future than I had when I went through it. I remember one nurse at the clinic saying something vague like 'some people regret it', but I didn't fully take on board what that would feel like for me. Regret doesn't seem a strong enough word to describe it.

OP, I hope you come to a decision that's right for you. If you can, I would say have some counselling to help you to really explore all the options before going ahead x

@Blueberry101 sending you so much love and hugs and remember you are a beautiful person and having an abortion doesn't define who we are . We both made our decisions with love and big big hearts . Having a big heart comes with having big pain . Some people have abortions and don't think twice and some even have multiple abortions and are okay . I've had it ne and feel like I've changed so much as a person and the world seems like a scary dark place now. I hope you know you are loved and you are just a human as am I. So much love to you xx

@DanceK

Thank you for your kind words. For me though, it is the one thing that does define me - I feel as if there's nothing worth knowing about me apart from that one horrible thing I did - even though it was over 40 years ago now.

I've had 3 children since, but they don't make up for the one I lost - my family will forever have a person missing who should be here. I've had counselling, and attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat around 10 years ago, but nothing helps. I constantly re-live it, the day of the week it happened, the weeks leading up to it, playing different scenarios in my head, if only I'd done or said that one thing differently.

My friend came with me to the hospital on the day & I remember turning to her and asking 'do you think I'm doing the right thing?'. She said she didn't know. She'd been the only person who'd not given me unwanted advice that abortion was the 'sensible' thing to do in the weeks leading up to it, and I think if I'd told her before my other so called 'friends' I wouldn't have gone down that path.

Looking back (we always see things so clearly in hindsight) there were so many other paths I could have taken. I agree that it changes you as a person, I feel like a shell of my former self, and don't think I will ever recover. It's still relatively early days for you, and I hope you find a better way through the pain than I ever managed to xx

I can't edit my post, but what I mean to say is that one decision I made - I'm not saying that I think it's a horrible thing to do, just that it made me feel horrible x

@Blueberry101 im so sorry hun you are going through this still after all this time. I had to re do the abortion three times due to retained tissue and I met a beautiful nurse who kept me sane and she said to me there is a reason you took that pill for all you know the baby could have been severely disabled and with babies dad abandoning us I would of been screwed on my own . She said you could have miscarried but I'm telling you you took that pill and terminated for a reason . I then got edkart toles book called a new earth last week to keep me going and I read a quote about life that said "if you are have a certain experience in life and are wondering if this is ment for you then the answer is if you are having this experience then it's ment for you" it probably sounds mad but that's what getting me through it that my higher self somehow knew this wasn't for me and that why I had a termination because if not I would of kept it . I also spoke to a very spiritual friend who said maybe the baby's soul wasn't ready yet . I am choosing to believe this as if I do not I may spiral downwards I have to stay strong for me. I'm almost 38 and single and am absolutely panicking I may never have a baby again with a loving dad for my kid but I have to dig deep and be strong and trust and have faith . Don't be so hard on yourself as you may never know what your life would of been like if you had that baby . Maybe the loss of your baby helped you in other areas of your life. My loss as already helped me learn so many things that I would have never of learned . Be kind you are just one human. You are a beautiful soul that has a beautiful soul. You didn't make your decision lightly you are not a bad person you are just living life and doing your best . There is another book I seen on a thread I have ordered also from the Libary to help me called spirit babies by Walter mackhien that some women recommend and he has a chapter of babies who were miscarried or abortions. I'm hoping this helps me. You didn't do a horrible thing far from it and neither did I . We acted and made a decision one of the toughest of our life's . We didn't do it easily. I pray to my child's soul and tell it how much I loved and love it and one day by the grace of god my baby comes back to me. I promise you you did not do a horrible thing. Don't listen to the mind listen to your heart and have compassion for yourself . Please be gentle on yourself you are so loved and beautiful xxx

@Blueberry101 i understand and I know you feel horrible but you don't deserve to feel horrible you are just one human doing your best you wernt to know any better xx

Sorry you went through such a difficult time with the termination.
I can see why people look into the spiritual side for hope and to help them understand why things happen. I'm not really a spiritual person and have never been able to relate to that way of thinking.

I know that there is always a possibility of something such as a severe disability or miscarriage, and I'll never know if that would have been the case for my baby. But I think I would have found something like that easier to live with for the past 40 years than this - I have struggled to function in life at even the most basic level since it happened. I know I would most likely have been on my own with the baby, so I'm not saying it would have been easy, but I would have got through it.

I agree that I didn't know any better at the time - it was in the days before scans were offered, and I stupidly listened to my 'friends' who told me it's not a baby, just a few cells - even though I was 13 weeks at the time it happened. My friend had told me I had 28 weeks to make my decision (which was the limit at the time), and it didn't occur to me that there is a huge difference between a termination at an early stage of pregnancy than one done just before 28 weeks. I was 20 not a young teenager, so think I should have known better, or at least done some research so I was fully informed.

You sound as though you are keeping positive, I hope things work out for you and you do meet someone to start a familiy with, I'm sure it will one day soon. One of my nieces had her 2 children at 39 and 40, so it's definitely not too late xx

@Blueberry101 you were only 20 that is still so young. My sister is 21 and she doesn't know her arse from her elbow it's still so young and you're far from a woman at that age so go easy on yourself . I was beating myself up for so long and my counselor said to me put the stick down and stop nailing yourself to the cross you have beat yourself up far too much. She told me shame on baby's dad for abandoning the baby and wanting no part. We can only do what we can with the information at the time. I was 7 weeks gone and my friend and baby's dad also said it's just an undeveloped fetus and a clump of cells . I used that to help me cope with my decision. But now after the termination I realised that was wrong to say that to me. I know you're not spiritual but maybe just get that book from the Libary spirit babies I mentioned it may help you never know . You deserve peace and healing and you have to forgive yourself. Not taking away your loss but I bet your other kids love and adore you so much and are an amazing mother . Maybe your a better mother because of your loss of your other child I know that may not help but there is a reason for everything I believe but when that reason comes to us I don't know ? You shouldn't torture yourself any longer I know your baby is with you and loves you deeply and as I said earlier maybe your baby's soul was not ready to come earth side and chose to stay in spirit world to protect you from there. You will see your baby again and you are beautiful be kind to yourself like you would be kind to someone you love xxx

Sorry your friend and baby's dad said that to you. I think sometimes the shock of an unexpected pregnancy, especially if it's the first one, can stop us thinking for ourselves. It can make us vulnerable to listening to others and in way allowing the decision to be made for us. If it turns out to be the wrong one that is very hard to cope with.
I've never felt able to tell my children (grown up now so not children anymore) about their older sibling, and to be honest I don't know if I ever will. I feel guilty about hiding it from them - as if I'm denying what would have been my first child - but at the same time I can't see what good would come of telling them.
I don't think I am a good mum - probably too over-protective as a result of what happened. They are in their 30s and still living at home. In one way I'm glad to have them still living here, but in another I think by this age they should be starting to make their own way in life and becoming independent.

@Indecisivewoman1
Apologies OP, just realised I've hijacked your thread. Hope you are managing to get some support in helping make the right decision for you x

You are an amazing mother . Your children I know would confirm that. You are being far too unkind to yourself. You have suffered for long enough and your baby would not be happy to see you so sad over the decision. I know you probably can't help it but I promise you it was supoose to happen this way. Somehow it was and that's what I need to chose to believe to get me through this. There is a plan a plan bigger than us I promise x