I just want to preface this by saying I am not actively suicidal.
I am currently 3 months pregnant. I am over the moon to be pregnant with this baby and have recently had my 12 week scan.
I had my first child in 2021, during pregnancy and after birth I was very unwell. I had perinatal and postnatal psychosis. Prior to becoming unwell during pregnancy I’ve never had a serious mental illness, I was just very unfortunate.
Due to the illness and needing to be in hospital for an extended period of time, my child was placed in the care of his father and has lived with him since. This was done through court and there was a lot of social services involvement. When I came out of hospital I had supervised time with my child due to not seeing him for several months, I couldn’t remember a lot of my pregnancy, giving birth to him or the couple of weeks I had him in my care.
After 6 months social services closed the case and I have co-parented my child since. He still lives with his Dad but I see him regularly.
TW (for the next paragraph) discussion of psychosis, suicide etc
My case was managed very badly. When I was pregnant I would often go to the maternity assessment unit and beg for them to terminate my pregnancy or give me an immediate c-section as I was completely convinced my baby had died and become rotten in utero. I wouldn’t let anyone examine me and I refused to have appointments in the antenatal clinic as I was convinced my pregnancy would affect the other pregnant ladies. When I gave birth I couldn’t pick him up or go near him as I was convinced he has turned rotten. Despite medical professionals seeing all of this, I wasn’t referred to mental health until I was rushed into hospital by police and immediately diagnosed with postnatal psychosis. They just kept referring to social services, saying I wasn’t bonding with baby, couldn’t look after baby etc. When I went into hospital I then didn’t see him for 6 months, it was hell on earth. Solicitors that I’ve worked with have said I have a case for medical negligence and negligence from social services but after my 18 month ordeal I wanted it over with.
As soon as I found out I was pregnant I referred myself to mental health and social services as I knew they would get involved due to previous involvement.
Mental health have been fantastic. I’ve been referred to a specialist perinatal team for women who have experienced postnatal psychosis and so much support has been put in place. I’ve been assured if I become unwell it will not be left for months like in my previous pregnancy.
My issue is social services have now become involved. They have spoken to my specialist perinatal team who have told them ‘she is only under our team because of previous postnatal psychosis, she is not currently unwell’ yet social services have rang my children’s Dad (both my first child and my unborn baby have they same father) and said I am unwell and they need to have an urgent meeting with him to discuss my first child and my pregnancy.
I am the pregnant woman but they seem to be going to everyone else before coming to me. I have called them twice to try and make a bit of sense out of the situation but they just keep saying they’re doing ‘investigations’ and it’s ’gone to management’.
I can’t help thinking they just have it in for me. I’m a normal woman, who has no other risk factors apart from being unwell in a previous pregnancy.
I am not psychiatrically unwell but the thought of them removing my child at birth is making me feel suicidal, I honestly don’t think I could do the heartache again. I would never harm myself whilst pregnant but if they removed my baby at birth I honestly can’t see anyway out other than to take my own life.
I’m not asking for advice or support, I just wanted to write this down and share it with someone. If you or someone you know has ever been through anything similar or you’re a professional then you’re welcome to add your thoughts.
Thanks ladies x