Planned (ish) pregnancy but now regret it!

[Melody150]

Know this title is shocking but really need some support right now.
Im 30, my partner is 32 and we’ve been together just under 2 years.
We both want children together and two months ago, decided to remove my coil and ‘see what happened’. I have irregular periods and was convinced it would take a while to get pregnant. I think we both got carried away in being broody and not thinking through the consequences or practicalities. My partner kept saying he really wanted a child together, and whilst I have some reasons I thought we should wait, he was so keen. I don’t want to be an old mum and was worried about my fertility so went along with it.
After the first couple of times we had unprotected sex (one being around what I thought was my fertile period, although it’s hard to track), I panicked and we decided to start using protection again (condoms and me going on the pill) as we weren’t ready. I did a negative pregnancy test as I had been feeling sick and I was very relieved it was negative.
It was a false negative and I was actually pregnant. I’m now 8 weeks and I don’t want a baby yet.
I am so mad at myself for jumping in too quick and being so irresponsible and not thinking through all the consequences.
We are renovating a house and don’t have a kitchen. If we have a baby before it’s finished, we will be relying on family. The house was out project together and we were so proud of doing it all ourselves. I had looked forward to hosting and big parties when it was finished. Now we will have to get help to finish it quickly, and we won’t be able to enjoy it when it’s done.
We had big holidays planned that now we can’t go on. I have big regrets about not travelling enough and am worried I’ll resent a baby for stopping that.
My partner has a 13 year old son. He lives almost an hour away but spends EOW and holidays here and we see him in the week when we can (by the time we can get there after work, he only has an hour till bedtime). We were hoping he would start to spend more time here now he has a new bedroom and is starting to become more independent. And maybe even move in when he finishes school in two years time as there are very good local colleges near us. We’re worried about how a baby would impact him, especially as he comes up to his GCSEs. And he’s unlikely to want to be around much with a baby on the scene.
Financially it will be a stretch as with the house as well, we will struggle to save enough to cover my mat leave. I earn more and my partner was looking at changing jobs. I’m already starting to feel a bit of resent that I would have to cover the cost and be the sensible one with money.
We have only been together 2 years and I’m worried what people will think. I’m the first out of my friends to be pregnant, and most of them have been together 8-10 years and are married/ engaged. I was engaged before to someone I was with 8 years (we never got anywhere near having kids) and was only single for 6 months (although the relationship was basically over for 1.5years before I ended it) before I met my now boyfriend. I’m worried people will judge me for jumping into this too quickly. I was hoping to have kids at around the same time as my friends and have that support. They’re all about 2 years away from trying.
I don’t feel ready for this and all I can think are all the reasons why not. I hate myself for being so stupid!
Im seriously considering abortion but feel awful and feel like I can’t even consider that as I originally came off contraception so planned this! My boyfriend is so supportive and says he will support whatever the decision. He is leaning towards keeping it but is also panicking about all the things I am and doesn’t think it’s the right time either.
I don’t want to regret having a child but also worried about the guilt of the alternative!

I'd urge you to seek counselling for this as you need to be 100% on any decision you make.

A few thoughts (I have an 8 year old and one more on the way). Divorced from child's father (very amicable now) and been with current partner for just under 2 years. Also renovating a house slowly when funds allow.

House - You can renovate with a baby, you can have work done in the house maybe after a month or so, but it can be done. No kitchen is a very temporary inconvenience, and would relying on family for a little while be so bad?

You can still have big parties, just one of you has to stay sober (take it in turns!)

You can still travel with a child, they cost nothing to fly with/don't count in the head count for numbers in hotels etc up to a certain age.

Your other half's son can still stay - and may want to be around more. It's his sibling, he might love the idea of it. GCSE's only take a few months to complete, a year with revision.

Finances are always a stretch, you can go back to work sooner (you only legally have to take off a small amount of time).
You can share maternity leave with your partner.
Have a plan in place a long time in advance for finances. Can you save more now and put some money away to cover mat leave?

Please don't worry about what anyone else thinks - it is none of their business. This decision should not be made based on worrying about what anyone else might (or might not) think.

You will still have support from your friends. You will also make new friends, those in the same/similar situation to you. Do you have family close? They will also offer support too. If one of your friends were to announce a pregnancy and you were no longer pregnant - how would you feel about this?

If you and your partner tried again and it were never to happen for you both - how would you feel about this?

You have time to make the decision that is right for you, but please do seek professional counselling, this is not an easy decision to make.

Good luck with your journey.

I second the previous posters advice - what other people will think isn't important. I say this as someone who had a termination at 20 because I was worried about my dad being angry. I also didn't have a partner, and thought people would look down on me for being a single parent. I have regretted it ever since, and wish I could turn the clock back.

All i would say is that is normal when pregnant to have a wtf moment- its a huge life change and lots of women even when pregnant in a planned and perfect scenario can have a wobble at the thought of life changing and being scared. yes theres some practical things to sort out- but no pregnancy is ever perfect timing (and even when you think it is something can come along out of the blue like redundancy etc). it sounds like you can make this work and want the baby- think on grand designs how many people have kids when still rennovating their house! this is a somewhat normal homonal reaction. even now my baby is here i have wobbles but have learnt its my negative voice being scared rather than me not actually loving and wanting the baby x

Thanks all.
I think my biggest worry in all this is how we were so stupid and rushed into it! How can we be good parents if we’re making rash decisions and not thinking through consequences!
I can’t bring myself to tell anyone, especially work! I’m not married, we’ve not even been together 2 years! I will defo be judged for it which will likely affect my career!

I think we all worry about what other people think but people can judge whatever we do. Also half of pregnancies are unplanned so lots of people you know will have had babies not when hoped. I think we all think everyone round us has them exactly when planned. But for example ny mum had me and my sister very close together because she thought it would take longer to get pregnant. I think when we have active minds we over think all scenarios. I too regret things with when I got pregnant but life does throw curve balls x

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at someone aged 30 being pregnant with their partner of 2 years. Don't worry what others think. If your relationship is solid and stable then that's what counts. Equally, you still have many many more years ahead of you for working, 1 yearish out is nothing in the grand scheme.

If you don't want a baby then that's fine too and nothing to be ashamed of, but make sure you're not making a decision out of panic. Yes it is a big change, but where do you want to be in 5 years time? The baby stage is short. Talk to your partner and any close friends or family who know you well, don't get trapped in your head.

Our relationship is solid now. He’s been brilliant. But what if it’s not after a baby. I can already feel the stress of this making me want to pull away. Also we would be throwing away our best years together to focus on a baby.
I do want a baby, but have always been ‘not yet’. There’s still so much I wanted to do (e.g travelling) that I will not be able to do now. It seems really selfish to say but I don’t want to resent my child because I haven’t been able to do those things.

@Melody150 Hi OP. Just checking in and seeing how you're doing and what you ended up deciding, only if you feel comfortable sharing of course.