Hello, hoping someone is out there with some help or advice I’ve tried so many sites but never got a response. Just want somebody to talk to 😭
I had been unwell with stomach problems for a few weeks. Found out I had some issues going on. Anyways after countless dr/hospital trips one appointment the dr said my bloods had came back and seemed I was far along in pregnancy. GP had done numerous urine tests also for other health reasons and it never showed. To me was a total shock. I use the pill and never missed a day ever. I got scanned and I was 13 weeks. I didn’t want to go through with this pregnancy. My only child my son is 10. It was a big age gap, financially just getting by. Finally have some freedom in life and I have myself a little part time job. Also housing etc don’t have the space. All these reasons seemed so relevant at the time.
long story short. I had to have a medical abortion. I didn’t know what I was in for. They explained but I feel I was in so much shock I didn’t process it. First tablet, went home. 2 days later went to hospital for 8am. 4 tablets inserted in my vagina. Then came along the most traumatic horrendous thing I have ever experienced. The pain was so bad. I had morphine for the pain. It didn’t help at all. My partner was with me. Finally at 2pm waters broke and I felt my baby fall into the bucket 😭😭😭😭 I was vomiting. The nurse came and had to cut the cord. Then I delivered the placenta. After that it was over. It was yesterday and I’m home now. I cant live with myself for the choice I made. Those silly reasons which at the time felt valid, I now look and how dare I take an innocent life away for selfish reasons as an age gap or fincial worry. Everyone gets by regardless!!! I have been selfish. I’m broken inside and I will never be to forget. I woke up empty today . It all feels so real today. I made this choice out of scaredness. Why did I do it. I cant stop thinking what if. That poor baby at 15 weeks. I’m heartbroken. I feel like a murderer. I made my partner witness this traumatic situation also. I feel guilty for scarring him with this. The dr has given me several weeks off work, as before this I had health issues. I look at my son now and think what ever would you think if your mother you love if you knew what I had done. I wish I could go back in time with the mindset I have now. It would of been so differnt. I would of been going to a scan to see my little baby. I can’t sleep, can’t eat can’t even look at myself. I’m so ashamed. Rambling now anyways but just wanted to know does it really ever get better? Or for the rest of my life will I always wonder what if? I was so far on when I found out, I panicked and rushed into something. The nurses where amazing and chatted for hours after to me and my partner about stories and advice etc. but nothing helps. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I wish they could hear my thoughts and how sorry I am for what I chosen. I wish you could turn back time.