Biggest decision of my life

[Gremlin47]

I’m 41 and about 5/6 weeks pregnant with my very long time partner, I’ve never been pregnant before.

I’ve never been one to have a desire for kids, even as a child myself - the crying alone gives me shudders, but due to my age I had an epiphany and I came off the pill last year, started using natural cycles with the thoughts of ‘what will be will be’. Now this has happened, I’m freaked out and feel so down.

I have two voices in my head, one telling me to keep it as it’s basically my only opportunity and as my family is small I will have a child for my future and a piece of me and my partner together, I’ve wondered what it will look like etc. Another is telling me that I don’t want this as I don’t like change, don’t deal well with stress and I can’t see myself coping as I have a health condition that makes me very tired. I’m also conscious that I’m 41 and the child will be 18 when I’m 60.

I'm around kids a lot as a friend is a childminder. Some are so cute and they are sweet to talk to but don’t know if I want to be a parent, I’m leaning 70% not. I’ve hoped that I’ll start feeling maternal but I just don’t.
I’m quite selfish and like to do what I like when I like. I’m an introvert, like to spend time relaxing, on my own and love financial freedom. I also don’t have friends, I am well liked in my work, partners family and my own family (all grown adults) adore me- I am a good friend but not very good at maintaining consistency in friendships - I know how lame this sounds, sorry

Weirdly, I’ve always been a dog person - I adore my dog, he is treated like a prince and babied too, but I don’t have the same feeling for kids .

I’ve called MSI for a MA and I feel I will have a sense of relief if I go ahead with an abortion and pray things will go back to normal for me but I worry I will always think ‘what if’ - I know a lot of woman my age who are having babies and I feel I’m behind, almost like a should be obliged to feel the same or will I have FOMO?

I feel like there’s something wrong with me why I don’t feel the same and I am worried that if I have the baby I will regret it massively, but also am conscious that it’s prob my last chance to have something that is mine. If I was to continue with the pregnancy I don’t know if I’m doing it for the right reasons, I don’t want a child, or do I just want to say I have one, to be like everyone else ?

My partner is supportive, however he says ultimately its my decision. He has grown up child from a previous relationship so is happy to go along with whatever I decide - although due to my constant crying, superficial depression about the situation and changing of mind I know that he deep down thinks this isn’t for me and worries about me moving forward and coping well.

i’ve been in turmoil since I found out and i’m now freaking out over the process of a medical abortion, even though I truly appreciate everyone who has written their experiences on here, it has been such a support.

Sorry for the rambling on, I just needed to release this and blurt my dilemma, although I feel I already know deep down and no matter my choice will have regret either way

Thanks 🙏🏼

Hey. I totally understand where you are coming from and how you feel. Without going into too much detail, I’m 40 in August. I too come off the pill last year (May) but myself and my partner were using protection. We’ve been together 13 years and had an abortion at the beginning of our relationship. I never thought I’d have children as ‘time was running out’ but we said whatever will be will be. Fast forward to today and I’m 32 weeks pregnant. It was a shock finding out for both of us but my instant decision was I am 100% having my baby. More so because I truly regret my abortion all those years ago and I didn’t feel like I deserved a 2nd chance. Here I am now, so happy and excited to meet the little girl I have grown inside me. I know my life is about to change massively but I’ve fallen in love with my baby since the day I found out and I’m willing to give up anything to give her the best life. Im not saying you will feel the same, but I’ve made the decision of abortion and I’ve made the decision of keeping a baby at the age of nearly 40. It can work but ultimately it is your decision and no one else’s. There is no right or wrong. Good Luck in whatever you decide xx

Children completely and utterly take over your life and if you're not sure you really want one then I think it's a mistake to have one.

The problem is no one can predict how things will go. You could have the sweetest easiest baby who becomes an adorable, compliant child that you love deeply from the minute they are born. Or you could have the most miserable whingy baby that never sleeps, and just constantly cries over seemingly nothing that grows into a grumpy, aggressive child who doesn't do anything they are asked and that you struggle with massively - or it could be anywhere between the two.

There are no easy answers and you could regret either choice in the future unfortunately - but better to regret not having a child then to regret having one IMO.

given you have already contacted the provider i would ask them whether you can have some counselling through them. it can help to process what you want and to make peace with whatever decision you reach. i appreciate you are worried but also a lot of women with planned pregnancies, who love kids can have a wtf worries when pregnant especially in the first trimester as its a huge life change and hormones raging. hope you can get some support to help you make a decision dont do it alone or just ask on here as its easy to get swept up with others veiws rather than think whats in your heart