no good reasons to have my baby, but will I regret this forever?

[lostso]

Just found out I am very early pregnant with an unplanned 4th baby. Youngest is 18 months and older two are primary school age. Husband has literally said nothing more than 'I'm sorry that you're going to have to deal with the stress of this' i.e. terminating the pregnancy. I said 'I take it you don't want the baby then?' and he said 'no, it's not right for any of us.' And that was that.

He is right. We are struggling financially despite his high wage without me working (I wasn't entitled to any mat leave etc). I am just about to be able to go back to work in September in some capacity as my youngest has a nursery place that I'll be able to afford if I work. It sounds ridiculously shallow but I was about to be able to start doing some things for myself too, like going to the gym, maybe even the odd shopping trip, all things I haven't done for years as I've had no money and been looking after tiny people.

I adore being a mum, I love being pregnant and having babies. I feel like it is my calling in life (though also worry that is some kind of issue in itself - not one for this thread). I have adored adding DC3 to the mix and other than the stretch financially I haven't found it hard.

I worry that a 4th would tip the balance and it would genuinely become really hard. I don't want to deprive my existing children of opportunities, holidays, space, attention etc and I can't think of a single genuinely good thing that another baby would bring to their lives (although the older two say they want another baby all the time since DC3 arrived - obviously they just think babies are cute, and don't consider the limitations it puts on them). That's without considering if anything serious went wrong, disabilities, birth injuries etc, if anything like that happened I think I would feel I had ruined everyone's lives just because I am selfish and love having babies.

I am so early I could have a medical abortion and try and tell myself it just wasn't meant to be and carry on, grateful for the children I have an focused on building the best possible future for all of us.

And yet, I just can't stop crying at the thought of terminating. It's not something I'm against ethically at all. I just feel like it's my baby, definitely my last chance of a baby, and it's already here (aware I might also miscarry anyway at my age). Maybe I just need to accept I will be sad about it even though it's the right thing to do? My husband not wanting it is obviously also a huge part, it means I don't even have him to talk to and I feel additionally upset by how cold he can be about this, it makes me feel like we aren't even remotely similar or emotionally connected.

If anyone managed to get through this, thank you. I don't even know what I'm asking really.

It doesn't sound like you really want a termination. Just based on what you've written.
Give yourself time and don't rush into an@y decisions. Write out your feelings. Access the counselling services from the providers. It's not going to be an easy decision and there'll be regrets either way, but at least make sure you're not making a decision based on panic or your husband's feelings.

Thank you for replying. I’m going to write out a pros and cons list. I feel like I have no real choice and I think written down it’ll be clear what I need to do for everyone’s sake. It’s just very sad and I’m worried how I will cope with the guilt and the regret.

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this. I was in the same situation. Love being a mum to two but wasn't planning any more. Partner wasn't happy at all when he found out I was pregnant. I never considered termination and never thought I could ever go through with it. In my mind, I thought a 3rd baby was just meant to be and I already felt like this 7 week old fetus was a baby. However. I decided to give myself a week to think it through. The range of emotions and feelings during this week was crazy. I changed my mind on an hourly basis. I cried a lot. I decided to tell my oldet sister because I couldn't keep it all in to myself. I couldn't bare to look at the termination pills at the start of the week and felt shakey and just cried at the thought of it but then something changed in my mindset and I just decided one day that termination was the right decision. I went ahead with it and felt sure I'd made the right decision. Thankfully almost 2 weeks on I'm still glad I made this decision but I'm more glad that I took a bit of time to make my decision and process everything properly.

Whatever you decide will be right for you and your situation.

I hope this helps in some way.

thank you so much for your message @A0m0y it sounds like you've been through a lot, it is such a hard time.

I am so pleased you came to a sense of peace with your decision. I really hopeI I can get there too.

I am still veering wildly between 'I need to stop this now and focus on the children I already have', and 'we would make it work, I want my baby'.

I feel like ultimately I will have to terminate, and perhaps it is just a sadness I will have to deal with that this ever happened. The thought of jeopardising the financial stability for my existing children (we are already struggling and I am about to start working again in November), and risking our marriage, my ability to have any kind of career or anything for 'myself', makes me feel like the best option is to end this pregnancy. I think it is mainly rose tinted thoughts of another beautiful baby that make it feel awful, but there are no guarantees and the risk of a child with additional needs or anything that caused damage to my existing children's quality of life is too much for me to bear.

Do you mind talking about how the actual procedure was for you? I am worried about that too. Worried about everything really!

No problem. I was the same. One minute I was thinking I had to just accept I was pregnant and make it work and the next I was thinking that another child wasnt possible and termination was the right decision.

The actual procedure for me was very straight forward and not painful. It was just uncomfortable and draining I would say.

I took the first pill on a Thursday morning. Felt no different.
Inserted 4 pills vaginally on the Friday evening at 7pm. I took a codeine about an hour beforehand.
3 hours later I had no bleeding at all but just had moderate cramps and felt a bit unwell as if I was getting a cold or something, like achy and cold.

After 3 hours and no bleeding, I inserted 2 more pills vaginally, and about 1 hour later I started to bleed.

I spent around 3 hours on the toilet (on and off) I felt like when I was sat on the toilet, everything could drain out of me a bit easier. I passed around 8 clots and loose blood.

At 1am I felt like the bleeding had subsided so I put a big pad on and went to bed but I woke an hour later and I had leaked out of the pad. After that, the bleeding was like a normal period.

I spent the next day at home just resting and bleeding normal amounts which slowly got lighter.
The following days, I recovered back to my normal self with normal bleeding.

I was emotional at the time, but I knew it was the right decision. I was just sad that I was having to make this decision, something that I never thought I would ever do.

I don't regret it and so far I haven't been beating myself up about it. I've just put it behind me and want to move on

I hope this helps but if you want to know anything else, just let me know.

@lostso hi hope your doing OK! I could of wrote this post myself. Just found out I'm expecting #4 very unexpectedly. One minute I'm like yes we can do this and then next I'm like absolutely no way. Just can't get my head around ending the pregnancy. I just don't know what to do. Never thought I would be in this situation.

Im sorry but your husband is a dick!! No man who truly loved you and creating a family with you would even suggest getting an abortion.

Honestly in the long run when you have a huge family all around you to support you in old age yoh will thank yourself !
Stay strong !

please, please do seek some counselling before making a decision to help you process your views so whichever way you decide you have some peace with the decision. i know you talk about feeling sad afterwards but it can be beyond sad- a full on grief. at least if you have had counselling before and decide to go with it you can rationalise things after. i would also reflect on which option may you find easier to cope with- are you someone who accepts your decisions or tends to regret and overthink them after? as you say you have to make the decision amongst lots of unknowns. please dont just listen to what your husaband wants- its not them who has to go through it or deal with the emotional fall out after.

How are you getting on @Skl2021 ? Hope you’re okay. It’s a terrible place to be.

@lostso I think we're keeping it. I'm 8 weeks now and the longer I leave it I don't think I can go through with abortion. Don't get me wrong I still panic and think I can't do it. I'm also suffering with all day sickness which isn't helping. How are you doing x

Hi, just wanted to also advocate for counselling (you can have free calls from BPAS). I found out last Sunday that I was pregnant which was a huge shock. I was 99% sure that I was going to terminate, but have had some counselling - and mainly a week to process this all - and now I'm not so sure. A few people on here have had such regrets when they've rushed into a decision and almost immediately regretted it. Give yourself time, hopefully it will make the decision easier for you.