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Pregnancy choices

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Guilt after 17 weeks abortion

12 replies

Sapphire2024 · 09/05/2024 15:59

Hi, I just had 17 weeks abortion. It was the toughest decision of my life that I had to make. I conceived in January but I was so stressed those days that I didn't even thought about missed period. My husband was making me do 3 jobs that time. Then I have to do all household chores without any help. I was working almost 20 hours a day. I was being physically and mentally abused by him. My mother in law never left a single chance to mentally torture me. Also, my husband was having an affair. But he had kept me in so much pressure that I stayed silent. My brain stopped working. He never wanted any kids. He just wanted money.
Then in Feb, I got some bleeding that I thought of as periodic bleeding. But I started feeling like pregnant late feb. I told my husband that I'm feeling and we should get the test. He didn't allow me to have the test. I had not a single penny to but the test kit. He used to take all my earnings and all of my in laws were feeding on that money. My husband started treating me more like an animal. He ignored me, my health. No proper sleep and food. Then all the work. I was just getting weak day by day. In mid March, I finally decided to take the step and leave him. I came to my parents and told them everything. My whole situation after marriage. And we filed the divorce case.
I missed my periods date in mid March. I did the test and it turned out positive. I was so worried and I instantly decided to abort the child. I can't have that man's child. And I knew he'd never left me with the baby. He'll took the baby from me, especially if it'll be a boy. So I tried the medical abortion at home. After tablets, I bled for 1 day with very painful cramps, passed some big clots and then ligth bleeding for a few days. I thought the abortion was successful. But my health was not getting any better. I was just getting weak day by day. Then in April, I didn't get my periods. I took pregnancy test again and it was clear positive. I went to my GP and after ultrasound, I got to know that I was 16 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy. I was terrified with this news. I didn't want to abort the baby at this stage, but I know my husband and his mother would never leave me with the baby. They'd make my life living hell. I'm from Pakistan, so the law and order situation is also worst and I can't expect anything. He'll make my baby like himself, and I never wanted another man in this world like my husband. Also, I didn't want to cry for my child my whole life. So I decided to go for abortion. I had abortion yesterday. I don't wanna go through the procedure. It was my 1st baby. It was the most painful day of my life. I never felt any connection with my baby before. But now he's gone and it feels like nothing's left. Everything's gone with him. I couldn't see him. I couldn't hold him in my hands. After so much pain, he's just gone!!

OP posts:
bilbodog · 09/05/2024 16:08

So sorry to hear this and send my best wishes to you.

it sounds like youve made the right decision although obviously a very hard one to make. Be kind to yourself.

AimeeLou84 · 09/05/2024 17:40

Hey OP. Firstly I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been made to go through, that’s awful and you deserve a lot better and have made the right decision in walking away. I had an abortion 13 years ago, my reasons were that I was only with my partner a short time and at the time, he was mentally abusive and controlling. I really wanted my baby but I couldn’t bring them into the world in the situation I was in. I still think about the guilt most days but I know I done what was best for him or her, they deserved a better life than what I could have given them at that time. Fast forward 13 years, I’m now nearly 40 and 30+1 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I’m ecstatic that I’m now in a position to be able to provide for my baby but also that my partner is supportive and not abusive or controlling. I’m happy to bring my little girl into the world knowing I don’t have that worry of ‘his next move’ or ‘what he will call me today.’
As tough as your decision was, you really have done it for the right reasons. It will take some time to take in and be able to pick yourself up from it. But you will. You won’t forget them but you’ll learn to live again and hopefully in time you’ll meet the right person to have a child with. Take care x

Namechange303333311 · 09/05/2024 22:58

I hope you have some good support in real life after going through so much. Look after yourself x

Sapphire2024 · 10/05/2024 11:40

Thank you so much guys for your support and best wishes. I really needed to hear something.
I know I made the right decision, but it's just difficult to accept that, and live without my baby. First I lost the person whom I've loved the most in this whole world and tried every possible way to live with him. And now my baby..
I'm living with my parents. My parents, brothers and sisters, all of them are supporting me and taking care of me in every possible way. I've left 2 jobs and focusing on 1 job. I've taken 2 weeks off. So I can at least recover and will be able to go for work.

OP posts:
bskengx · 12/05/2024 17:10

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AimeeLou84 · 12/05/2024 20:01

@bskengx Hey hun. I’m currently 30+4 weeks pregnant with my first baby at 39. I had an abortion 12/13 years ago as my relationship was new and I wasn’t in the right financial state to have a baby. The guilt never goes away but you learn to carry on and realise the reasons you terminated were for the right reasons. I felt absolutely dreadful for months and I still think about it to this day. As I said, I’m now pregnant at the age of 39. I had anxiety prior to this pregnancy but my anxiety since being pregnant has been extreme. I have a high risk pregnancy and it’s just made me even worse. Im constantly worried, in and out of triage checking my baby is ok. Its hard but I’m nearly there and will have my little girl at the end of it. If you decide to terminate, you will learn to carry on and you’ve got so much time ahead of you to conceive again. You are also so lucky to have a partner beside you who will support you in whatever your decision. I didn’t have that at the time, and that’s what made it so much harder for me. I wish you well in whatever you decide xx

bskengx · 12/05/2024 21:18

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AimeeLou84 · 13/05/2024 12:14

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I genuinely wish I didn’t look when it come out. That made it worse for me. Also the bleeding and pain before and after it wasn’t nice. But you’ll learn to deal with it if you’re 100% on your decision. If you’re not; then take some time to think about the positives and negatives x

bskengx · 13/05/2024 12:18

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AimeeLou84 · 13/05/2024 12:23

I was on my own when I took the second pill and it was awful for me too. I never really had health anxiety or anxiety at the time, it’s grown on me since and got worse since my pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s of interest to you but your consultant could refer you to a councillor or at least someone to talk to before and after. If you ever want to chat you can always PM me

Threebutterflies24 · 13/05/2024 13:46

@Sapphire2024
Hi how are you doing now ? Reading your post broke my heart and bought a tear to my eye . I’m so sorry for what you have been through. No women she ever be treated like that . Please don’t feel guilty I think you really did make the best and most brave decision. I really hope that after you’ve had time to deal with all this that you can move on with your life and find happiness. I hope your family are looking after you well . Do something nice for yourself and have a well deserved rest !

A0m0y · 15/05/2024 21:14

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Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a termination a few weeks ago at 8 weeks pregnant. I read a lot of horror stories but my experience was not that bad at all. You need someone with you just in case you have an adverse reaction but you shouldn't let this scare you. Emotionally and mentally, I'm in a much better place now I've gone through it. The roller coaster or emotions and turmoil I was in before I made the decision did morr damage to my mental health than after I've done it. Two weeks on and I'm absolutely fine and have no regrets. I recovered within a few days of taking the pills but still bleeding on and off but very light.

Whatever decision you make will be right for you and your situation. Good luck.

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