Help, I'm so lost, I feel like I'm drowning

[TuesdaysChildIsBloodyDifficult]

I appreciate that may come across as a really dramatic title, but I don't know how else to put it.
I genuinely feel like I'm sinking.
I'm currently 18wks pregnant and on holiday with my DH and DSD and a couple of hours ago I discovered that DH has been messaging a... girl (early twenties) from our shared place of work. I don't know if it's worth mentioning I'm management, he's not, but he is in a specialise role which involves daily contact with this girl/woman.
The single message was "Yes, i did 😊 How was your day? Xx" now, with context, this would seem fairly innocent.... but.
He has a history of seeking attention from other women (work colleagues, his ex, his daughters friends mum - basically anyone that can get it back to me and make me feel really humilitated) and has deleted the converstion with this girl. It has since turned out they have been messaging "on and off" since "last year." He says that its the odd message here and there, and if he had female friends, and didn't delete everything, I'd have no problem. I have baggage of the emotional kind from a previous abusive relationship and this just hasnt helped. I have an open phone policy and delete nothing - he is not the same and dispite converstaions explaining how this makes me feel and given past behaviour, how it looks... tonight has sort of proven my point.

I feel like a fool. My self esteem is at a real low, I feel and look like a boiled potato and in all honesty, I can't say that I'm 100% on board with this baby, which I feel horrifically guilty for because what if something happens?

I was filled with anxiety about this pregnancy anyway. Think waking up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat with palpatations sort of anxiety.
My DH has lost a child at 24 weeks and has a DD who is 11 and has alway wanted more children. I have always thought because of my endo I couldn't and therefore sesperately wanted what I couldn't have....

Please can someone talk me down of this metaphorical edge. I just need a rational, sensible grown up in a real relationship, not an instagram bullshit one, who isnt one of my friends who'll immediately side with me through loyalty (which is ironic, as thats all I want from my DH)

For context, I'm not a child, I'm 37, but I'm still vomiting, highly emotional, very anxious and not coping with this nonsense well at all.

You might have perinatal anxiety that's is heightening how you feel about the baby and also the vomiting doesn't help. Clear your head...it's not the baby it's your partner that you have a problem with because you're right he is being disrespectful. He should be supporting you and being there for you.

First go to a doctor or midwife and see if they can help with your anxiety. Believe it or not it's really common and it could help with waking up night with sweats and palpitations.

Secondly, you need to have a strong word with him and tell him how you're feeling. It's not the baby it's him that's making you feel insecure and doubting yourself. No women is 100% on board with their pregnancies. Everyone has a little bit of doubts but that's natural until you have baby in your arms. Because...pregnancy is hard. You're growing a baby...another human being. You don't know what to expect especially first time around. But I promise you, you're strong you'll be okay.

I think the fact that he deleted it could be suspicious but it could be harmless too. Maybe keep an eye on it. But please do have a word with him about how you're feeling.

Hey OP. 100% agree with the above post! I’m currently 27+1 weeks with my first baby at nearly 40. Never thought I’d conceive at this age. I have a partner who isn’t texting other women, but he spends the majority of his time out with friends or in the pub. My anxiety has been horrific. I’ve probably cried every other day of this pregnancy, created myself huge stress and then worrying that it’s effected my baby. Although he’s now getting the hint!! Speaking to your midwife or doctor will help as there is medication they can prescribe to help the shitty feelings. I cried my eyes out to my partner and told him exactly how I felt and it helped. Good luck, you’ve got this and you’re not alone xx

With all due respect OP making a choice about your pregnancy at this stage isn't really an option without it being extremely traumatic and life altering.

I'm also 18 weeks and pregnancy hormones are horrible, sickness only just easing and on off anxiety. For me pregnancy is basically like being stuck in really bad PMS for 9 months. Not fun at all. Tbh he doesn't sound very trustworthy especially if he is deleting messages but I think as you can't prove anything for now its best to just focus on yourself and your pregnancy then re-access the relationship at a later date.