To terminate or continue: no kids and l8 30’s

[AluAma]

I hate myself for doing this to my body but I have had 3 termination (16, 25 and 33). They were unplanned and the fathers said they would not support me or be present for the child. I’m in a similar situation this time his blocked me after 12 hours of finding out. I’m scared to do it alone but I don’t wanna put myself through a termination at 35 when I might begin to struggle to conceive later in life as I’m getting older. I feel more connected to the pregnancy this time. Is being scared evidence I’m still not ready? And will fail at single parenting life which scares me and is something I’ve wanted to avoid due to my own adverse experiences of it.

Hi you're sensible to think about struggling to conceive after 35 because it's true.

You've done it 3 times now. How about give it a chance with the 4th? Honestly no man should knock your confidence down so low that you feel you can't cope. You CAN cope and you WILL cope. Do you have parents who can help sometimes? You don't need him he sounds immature and nasty. But I promise you you can do it. So many other women have been in your situation. You never know you could meet someone whisky pregnant too so you're not alone.

Sorry you are going through this. I don't think being scared is necessarily evidence you still aren't ready. I think many people feel anxious, even with planned pregnancies. I had a termination 40 years ago, and have regretted it ever since. Even with the regret, my first thought when I became pregnant a second time 4 years later was to terminate. Then I couldn't go through with it, so had a couple of counselling sessions to help me decide. One thing the counsellor said stuck, that 'not making a decision is making a decision', so I kind of carried on for several more weeks undecided, and eventually it was so late that the only option left was to have the baby. I did get less anxious about it as time went on.

I wasn't a single parent, so can't really say much about that (I did grow up in a single parent family, which was fine, but different times to how things are today).

Hopefully someone else will be along to share experiences of single parenting. I hope you make the right decision for you x.

Thank you ladies.

Wise words. It’s helpful to have my concerns validated about future fertility also.
I promised god. That if he gave me another opportunity it wouldn’t discontinue again. I can’t keep praying for opportunities and then abandoning my blessings becuase of fear and abdonment.
I haven’t struggled this much with this kind of decision b4 so I think my indecision will make my decision as it did for you B101. For now; I’m swaying towards continuing. I feel a sense of connection to things this time around and whilst my situation is far from idea (renting, not much savings, live far from my family, and am a contractor with large outgoings and no maternity package) I have love and nurturing qualities to give. And like u sed <3.. I will find a way. I have a tiny network (not the strongest). My mum had my big sister at 16 n coped with alot less. Maybe I will too.

I fear what the loneliness will be like. Watching my bump grown on the sofa on my own during evenings alone. But maybe the connection I have with the baby will be enough. Maybe the relationship I can form with myself, loving me for doing what I want to do instead of doing what they tell me to do will empower me to not feel lonely. Maybe it will help with my confidence issues also.

Hi how are you today ? I think at 35 it’s a great age to have a baby as after that it is definitely harder to get pregnant. Also yes you might feel lonely as I get very lonely being a single mum but it would be worse if you terminated and then couldn’t get pregnant again. I had a termination age 35 but I already had kids so it was different. But was mainly because the dad didn’t want it and I didn’t want to cope on my own again . Coping with one baby on your on is a lot easier than when you have more than one so I think you will be fine if you choose to go ahead x

I agree... it would be awful if i was to have another termination and then not be conceive. I imagine I would be very hard on myself if this happened. I had convinced myself that i was already going to be punished for the past 3 terminations I've had and not be graced with this opportunity so maybe i do need to take it and not put myself through more trauma and torment.
Was the dad around for your first child/children? Is it possible to enjoy a pregnancy solo? I'm introverted and dont have a big network of friends and my family aren't too close.

Glad you seem to be leaning towards having the baby. Being unable to conceive after termination is a possibility, unfortunately. I read an article about Sarah Pascoe (the comedian) the other day, she had a termination when young, then had difficulty conceiving and a miscarriage in her late 30s so had children through IVF in the end.

I appreciate it may be hard doing it alone but as someone who has had a baby after a terminaiton0 if you can cope with a termiation and the emotions that brings, you can manage the baby. i ve had a baby after a termination and people are like hows the tiredness and i i feel like saying nothing like the insomina i had after the termination! the love you have for the baby will get you throgh. i know it will be hard doing it alone but you will find a way through the practical problems like finances. and people may be with partners but their partners are useless- at least doing it alone you know you can rely on yoursel. i dont know where you are based but a lot of areas have single parent groups or there will be online groups etc so you can make contact with other people doing it alone. one of my mum friends is a single mum- she did it with the support of a couple of friends and her boy is the most amaizing being. the pregnancy may be nervy but i think any pregnancy is full of worry if you are a worrying type of person. please give yourself this chance as sounds like this time it feels right and i know its not the perfect circumstance but ive learnt that there never is a perfect scenario but many other people have babies in far worse times. wishing you all the best whatever you decide/happens x

Thank you so much for your kind words. You guys are all amazing.

Every period I have I beat myself up about the last termination. I didn’t sleep properly for about 2 months after it neither.
Ur right; I can adopt a friend to come to appointments with me. And I’ll join a tun of groups to feel less alone. I’m in Essex so I’m sure there are things going on.

I have a few practical worries atm. Do you think these are problems I can solve:

• I’m a contractor. And told that I’ll only get 90% of my pay for 6 weeks and then drop to satitory maternity pay. How much is it? Should I look for a normal job asap, or just save like crazy. Will a normal job even pay me MAT as I already know I’m pregnant as I wouldn’t declare in fear of not being offered the job. I take home about 3.5 now a month but if I go straight(non contractor) I’ll be on about 2k. No money to save or live.
• I have a lease car and my house is rented (outgoings are about 1.7k). I’m not sure how I’m going to afford to pay for those things which are essentials when my pay is cut and I’m not working. this is a huge worry. I doubt I’ll be able to work very much with a child. I work from home but I’m on camera and talk to people all day. I’ve never been on benifts. I’m sure there are types to help me but would I be able to get it all setup so that I don’t go into areers with rent and get kicked out. My car would probaly be taken wouldn’t it. I would be lost without it? I feel abit superficial and spoilt thinking about my car. But I’ve been “selfish” for 35 years, live far from my family. Never not driven.

I know this is going to sound ridiculous but I think baby is giving me strength. I usally cry daily. Super emotional person. But Ive been okay which is odd for me. I didnt even cry when the dad was here and told me to abort and that I would never seem him again. These worries. I should be crying about them. But I’m not?

I’ve not heard from him since … I sent an angry txt after being blocked on WhatsApp. Not sure he got it as I could be blocked on normal too but I know his off away on a stag week tomorrow. Makes me angry that I’m at home worrying and planning and his probaly gna be living his best life. Oh well! His a terrible person and wen he realises that, maybe the insomnia will hit him!

Wen I told him I may keep the child he told me he was going to move aboard. And that was ruining his Dubia no tax dream and plans to buy a second house (self centred twit). He also told me he had an immune diesease that the baby might inherit and that lots of his family passed becuase of health (he was deffo trying to scare me). But anyways… Another worry. His on about 100k a year so I could get a decent contribution from him if his here but if he moves away (as his sed n will do to spite me I’m sure) I imagine he will be able to avoid paying towards the child. Is there a way around this?

Hey OP. Just wanted to say I’m 40 in August and pregnant with my first baby (unplanned) and due in July. Although I have a partner supporting me I was also scared that I wasn’t ever ready to be a Mum but I’m now 26+2 and absolutely in love. I know with or without him by my side I can do this and make it work. I had an abortion 12 years ago and I think about it most days of my life. I feel like I’ve been given a chance to prove I can be a good Mum. There’s no right or wrong here and as scary and hard as it is, I know it’ll all be worth it. If you want it, go for it. And good luck xx

• gingerbread are a chairty who supports single parents and can give you advice re financial support, mainteance etc. Helpline: 0808 802 0925
• Webchat: Click the green chat button at the bottom right of your screen. please contact them. i know financials are a bit worry but there will be ways round things- yes financially things may be tricky but there is going to be a lot more support for childcare etc going forward so it may be hard financially to begin with but you will get there. also i think when you are prone to worry we all worry about finances but these practical problems there are solutions to. what a idiot the guy you were seeing- how meanx

I want it… I just wanted to do it at the perfect time in the most perfect way possible. I’m learning lots about life and myself from this. Perfection is probably a myth, not destined for me or maybe I can create something near perfect out of things that seems far from perfect (this is what I’m leaning on). But I’m so scared about everything changing.

Thank you Saskia for the support information. Im a lil less worried about housing/money now. Giving up my career for abit will feel crazy but I’m looking at it as an opportunity for a break from an intense job?! And to get sensible with saving (and life generally).

I’m still blocked. Was thinking of posting him a letter (Royal Mail) as a way to tell him how I’m feeling. Not that he would probaly read it or care. But I want him to so desperately to care for the child. It would make it feel like I’m not on a battle field on my own. I don’t know if it’s my hormones but today I’m also adjusting to him not being about, as distant and shitty as he was.
Also… Like what am I supposed to say to my child in 5 years time when they ask where their dad is. Especially if it’s a boy. Be honest? Am I being selfish to keep my baby knowing that I will be bringing them into confusion?

I think there is rarely a perfect scenario for pregnancy- i know one of the reasons i terminated was becuase it wasnt the perfect time and then realised after it never would be. i also know friends who are in the perfect scenario e.g financially stable, married etc and then the husband goes and has an affair when the kid is young! i am trying to learn the hard way you never can predict the future and its a day at a time. the baby has one parent who loves them dearly- you have made a successful career and i am in no doubt that you will use the same skills to be an amazing mum. just because the father is being horrendous doesn't mean you should go through the emotional pain of the termination and potentially not becoming a mum further down the line just because he can't. But i am sure its going to be hard coming to terms with his position and accessing some counselling to process might be good as its almost like a grief. it sounds serious but it may be worth also talking to a solicitor involved rather than you send a letter to discuss the legalities etc. the baby wont blame you- it will grow up realising his father is the one who has missed out but grateful to you. a lot of my friends who are single parents have the most super close relationship with their kids and get love from extended family/friends etc. the baby when growing up may have wobbles about their father but a lot of us have wobbles about our upbringing- doesnt mean we would have preferred not to have been born. Im not trying to influence your decision either way but it sounds like you do want this baby. if you already feel a connection then go with it. i know you had an adverse experience but society has changed and people's attitudes have changed- theres so many non conventional families now and you are you and can make it a positive thing x

So I just wanted to post a quick (not so quick) update.

Less importantly, he rang me this weekend. More of the same thing but acting even more immature. From hysterics to screaming at me. Told me we could get the relationship back on track if I terminated (As if I would want to). Manipulative and delirium at its finest.

On a more positive note I had some therapy today and I can see that a lot of my fear is founded in judgement and trying to uphold the Disney perfect ending I wanted because of my tricky past.

As u said and my therapist said. Picture perfect/ Disney doesn’t. And probaly isn’t really real, My love will be enough and I can create my own story. My kid will respect and admire me… as I do for my mummy!

Finally. And I can’t promise that this won’t change, but I’m feeling as certain as certain feels in my world. I’ve even ordered some prenatal vitamins and new audio book is loading to prepare me. Excited, embarrassed and in shock.

Going to hold on tite, pray, save and hope for the best! I can’t thank you all enough.

Thanks for the update. It sounds like the father is definitely trying to manipulate you into terminating! I hope he doesn't put any more pressure on, or if he does try you can ignore him x

He is is isn’t he. My mum said once I’m crystal clear I should inform him, give him the options and then focus on keeping self stress free and away from him becuase neither of us need him at this stage. Maybe later but we can go through a solisitor as suggested when the time comes.

PS: embarrassment was the wrong word… I guess just cringing at the fact that I’m embracing me and this. It feel crazy as someone who has been pushed and pulled by others. Kept ridgid by my own rules. Even ate a piece of cake this evening (wine replacement I guess). 9months of not diet’ing. Never in my world. I think I’m gna enjoy this.

Honestly lady’s… thank you so much. The strength you have given me me this week is immeasurable. Send virtual hugs.

do message any time- its the ladies on here who got me through. pregnancies can be difficult emotionally- you may have wobbles but that doest mean the decision to go ahead has been the wrong one. i just think when you are a big thinker its normal to question big life decisions. but believe me even with my new little boy here, he always seems to know when im questionning my decision and he gives me the biggest smile! yes its not the perfect scenario but life isnt black or white. so glad you are staying strong and not being blackmailed. sick of men (including my husband!) not wanting kids/any more kids but not willing to take a permanent action to prevent it but just expect us to get rid with no consequences for them! wishing you all the best with the pregnancies and the child will have so much love from the other people around them and its the father who will be missing out on that happiness x

Hey OP. Thanks for the update, what’s at the other end of the 40 weeks is absolutely worth everything. Keep strong and away from him! You’ve got this xx

Hi. I'm not trying to minimise his bad behaviour but perhaps he is just as terrified as you are and this is his way of expressing it. I've heard of a lot of men who act this way that turn out to be good fathers once the baby arrives. Good luck with everything... I'm sure once the baby is here it will all fall in to place and you will be happy.

Hey ladies,
Your right I will have wobbles I had one last night; felt to scared to go through it again despite having spoken with CAB and my accountant to put together a plan (Ive even found a way I could keep my car now).
I’m such a an overthinker… it stops me from living my life and I wont do that anymore. Ill look for the grey ground and some other colours (not just black and white). So lovely to hear how you son warms your heart up Saskia. This is everything; I imagine when I have that. Thingy’s behaviour, what car im driving and a fed flag on my credit report wont matter so much.
Dani I did think that the other day. just because his acting like this now; it doesn’t men to say things wont change in 6 weeks, 6 month or even 6 years. I do however think that as a 36 year old man he should be able to express himself a little less immaturely, less aggressively, less purposefully hurtful, with care and consideration. Maybe it will take him longer to get there. I think immaturity is his biggest flaw.
We agreed on Sunday gone that we would speak next week. Im debating whether to do this face to face because I think we might be kinder to eachother. But I feel like I don’t know him enough (I used to feel like I didn’t but not now) to not know that he wont kick off or try n hurt me! I will tell him my stance either way and let him know what his options:

• To leave me to do it solo and not help me/watch me struggle (but I will claim CMS)
• To be there financially only and leave me to get on with it
• To be there and co parent with me as enemies
• To establish some sort of friendship and raise the child as friends

I will not be entering into a relationship with him. Despite the shock of the situation the way his treated me and the things his said about us (basically just using me for sex). disgust me to the point were I could never trust or love him like that. Im also happy with either options. I think my child and reclaiming my life doing something for me will give me strength.

Sorry if im ruminating a lil… reassuring and remindinh myself of bits here! xxx

I had a scan today. As I was having cramps (they said it’s probaly becuase I have a cyst in my womb n due to implantation). It was special. I got emotional on the way out seeing all the couples. Pregnancy is in a safe place and I’ll go back in 2 weeks once I’m more developed to check for heartbeat. The lady said she happy and I should worry as I’m only 7ish weeks.

But I’ve just recived the most horrific message from him today. I’m kind of in shock/it made me psychically sick. If there are any single mummys who have been through anything similar on here please do inbox me. I feel so alone.