Five years on from abortion regret and the passing of a family member

[25smallstacey]

Hi,

I hope this isn't triggering. I will be speaking about an elderly member of my family passing away and my ex partner (who I am still friends with) pushing my abortion decision.

In 2019 I had a very traumatic abortion experience, I wished to keep the baby but my partner did a lot of future faking, playing the victim, saying it would end his life and then left me once I had done it. I had an incomplete abortion and ended up in hospital. I had no idea it would effect me so much.

My grandmother has recently passed away and as this is such a close time for family, I think about the little child who should be at the funeral/with the family at this time. It's as though I miss someone that was never here and it makes me realise how important family is and how important that child would have been.

I am still friends with my ex. He doesn't mean any badness but he has a very selfish side to him. I haven't shared these feelings with anyone in real life but I'm looking at my ex with much most bitterness than before.

Thanks for reading x

For someone to do that to you they're not nice. I'd end my friendship with him but first let him know how you feel about what you did because it would be classed as abuse.

Forgive yourself because you were manipulated and forced to have that abortion. It wasn't your fault. Forgive forgive forgive. You need to acknowledge how his behaviour led you to your actions.

Hello. I just wanna start by saying how brave you are to make your post and it's so important to talk about your feelings. I'm sorry that a family member of yours has passed and you are experiencing these feelings - just know you will get through them. I hope you don't mind me saying, in my opinion, you should try to cut off your ex so you are able to start fresh and move on from him and what he put you through. Are there any underlying reasons for the both of you to stay in contact? If not, you deserve to look forward and move past him and forgive yourself for the choice you made. You didn't do anything wrong. It's done now and can't be changed but you can mould your future and learn from the relationship you had with your ex. I hope now you're able to recognise you deserve so much more and one day you will find that.
I myself had a termination last year. Our circumstances are very different but I have similar thoughts to you when I think about/experience my own family members passing. It helps me to think about how my grandmother and grandfather who have passed would have accepted my decision and would be taking care of my baby in heaven. It helps me to remind myself that I didn't bring my baby into a bad situation where they would have emotionally and mentally suffered. I thought about the effect another young baby would have had on my family and I decided what I thought to be the best decision to make. You did the same.
You can go on to have a baby and family in the future when your situation is better, when you feel ready and when you decide. I truly hope that happens for you.
Take care of yourself x

Thank you both for commenting. It really means a lot to me

I was ready to have a child, decent job, nice family and in my 30s so I don't know why I let him push me. I put him before me for some reason

He came back as a friend recently after realising his errors, wanted to apologise and I was kind but my bitterness has grown hugely since my Nanas passing

It can be hard to make sense of something when your feelings you had at the time have changed and you feel differently now.

Have you had any counselling following your abortion? This might help you x

I did have counselling but maybe I need to address it again now that it's coming back as a recurring thought. Also my ex wasn't in my life the last time so I have to consider he might be a big reminder

I find everything is currently reminding me of it

I think it's normal to go through periods of time of thinking about it more than you might usually. I'm going through that right now too with no particular trigger. These periods can come and go. Addressing how you feel about it with a counsellor again now that your ex is back in your life is a good idea. You have nothing to lose with counselling and sometimes it is just what you need to sit down and talk with someone you don't know about your honest feelings and get it all out.
Wishing you all the best. It's nice to know that this forum is always here to talk on with some lovely women who can relate to your experience x