Pros and cons of having an abortion

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Hello

Before I post this all I’d like to say is please be kind, my mental health is all over the place and I know what I should have done to prevent this from happening but it’s too late now so I just want some advice or personal experience on how to deal with this….

So my partner and I have 2 children age 7 and 1, my partner works in a different city 4 hours away so he stays there throughout the week and comes home on weekends. Of course it is very tough being a solo parent throughout the week but I do finally feel as though we have overcome the hardest bit, now that the baby sleeps through the night and is at nursery a couple of days a week, I’m working part time. Eldest at school. Life never stops and the mental load of the children is all on me and yes on the weekends when my partner comes back I’m exhausted, but he has the evenings during the week to himself to go to the gym or relax. He stays with his mum too during the week who looks after him, he doesn’t have to lift a finger and only has to think about himself and work Mon-Fri.

So to get to the difficult part. I recently found out I am pregnant, we have spoken about having a third child but not this soon. Did tell my partner I stopped taking the pill as I couldn’t manage the side effects, and normally he pulls out when im
not taking it but he just wasn’t. I’m not against condoms either which he hasn’t suggested using.
My initial reaction was oh my god I can’t have another baby now, so I told him and he agreed. Then when I booked the abortion this wave of emotion just came over me and I couldn’t stop crying all the time, it’s been completely tearing me apart. He hasn’t been communicating with me or supporting me, he never calls to see how I am or just asking me silly things like what I’m having for dinner when he knows how distraught I am over it. Anyway so I went to the abortion and I just decided I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t take the pill. And when I told him he was angry at me for dragging it out, that I won’t be able to cope with 3, how am I going to give the other 2 attention with a newborn, I’m selfish, I’m leaving it all up to him to ‘sort out’, he won’t be able to live the life he wants or work on the business he’s trying to build. Finances, house/car… everything. I know he has a point believe me I do, I feel EVERYTHING he has spoken about but moving to a bigger house and new cars were already on the cards before all this happened. As much as I told him I couldn’t go through with it, that it would be a tough few years but we could get through it he just isn’t having it. That he’ll look after the older two but he won’t physically help with the newborn, only financially, he’ll split up with me if I decide to keep them, that I’m ruining everyone’s lives… I just don’t know anymore. I’m so torn over it all.
thing is, if I do go through with the abortion I’ll never be able to look at him again let alone stay with him because I could never forgive him or myself, and I could never have another baby with him in the future. So the kids would go from seeing their dad every weekend to only every other weekend. I told him I’m prepared to give up a few more years of my life to do this because the pain of losing this child feels worse to me than things being tighter for a bit longer. I just feel like it’s me who’s going to be doing all the parenting anyway as he’s only here on weekends as it is so it won’t even affect him that much in a sense, and we did talk about a third anyway so I just feel like he’s not communicated very well if he actually didn’t want another. Then I went back to the clinic a week later and still couldn’t go through with it, I’ve just been crying on my own non stop it’s tormenting me
So I have two choices

1. have an abortion, split up with him and deal with the pain potentially for the rest of my life, but be grateful for the 2 beautiful children I have and splitting with 2 would be easier than splitting with 3
2. go with my heart and keep the baby, but potentially lose my partner and struggle for a few years juggling an older child and 2 very small children

I’m under no illusion it would be easy, far from it. But I’m prepared to do it and I just don’t know if I could deal with the what ifs forever. Either way I feel really let down by his lack of support, and he’s a grown man so I feel like he should have just had a vasectomy if he was really this against it. It’s so hard, I don’t want to put him in a situation that feels impossible to him but he’s just been so unsupportive, and in fact really nasty about it all. I just feel like either way now it’s going to be impossible.

advice please :(

Bump

What's your age

28

Hmmm it's challenging, all I can say is I chose to terminate but wasn't in a very abusive relationship and felt I needed to protect my son and I. I fell into a deep depression afterwards and took about 9 months to come through the other side.

I remember thinking, this greif is not worth the termination. It was one of the darkest moments in my life.

I recommend seeking counselling BEFORE, and don't rush your decision or listen to other people's opinions. I didn't and regret it.

Hey OP. I don’t have much to say on this other than the fact I’ve had an abortion myself as ‘we weren’t able to cope at the time’ and we’ve both regret it ever since. I’m now nearly 24 weeks pregnant and hitting 40 this year. I feel blessed to have been given a second chance.
I’m not saying everyone is the same and will feel the same but from reading above it sounds like you really want this baby. I think you should go with your heart. If he truly loves you he will stick by you and your kids and help you. If he doesn’t, he isn’t worth it. Of course it’ll be a struggle as a single Mum if it comes to it, but you’ll have gained another beautiful child out of it. At the end of the day, it’s up to you, not him. Your body, your choice. Good luck in whatever you choose, there’s no right or wrong here xx

Thank you both
I feel in my heart I want to keep the baby
but I think he will leave me anyway if I do, and if he doesn’t he will always probably resent me. His family and my family all know too so I also think I would just make myself look really stupid if I kept the baby and he either felt forced to stay or left me.
Me also not keeping the baby means I will be leaving him too, and I feel I could manage the two I have a lot easier than adding a third into the mix. I already know this will be the most painful thing I have ever had to do and I will never forget it or forgive myself but I have to put my heart to one side on this one and put my two children I already have first.

Sorry you are in such a difficult place.

If in your heart you want to keep the baby, then I wouldn't let the thought of making yourself look stupid sway your decision.

I had a termination at the age of 20, and have regretted it every day since. If I could turn the clock back and make a different decision I would in a heartbeat. I somehow convinced myself that termination was the 'sensible' thing to do, though in my heart I really wanted to keep the baby. It's not an easy choice to live with - the word 'regret' doesn't really describe how I feel, though existential regret is closer.

As other posters have said, I think it would be a good idea to seek counselling beforehand. I didn't, and for me that was a big mistake.

Meant to write, I was in an abusive rship