Planned but something has happened

[Optimisticpessimist1]

I have already posted about my life being a mess and my relationship having some problems.

Basically we decided we'd be happy having a second but got pregnant immediately. We were very happy about the news but simultaneously started arguing / not getting along.

Anyways aside from after arguments for the first couple weeks I was really happy with pregnancy, ordered the gender kit as I was so excited, booked my midwife appointment too early, started looking into tandem prams (we will have a 20 month old) and so on.

Over the last week and a bit though I feel like I've lost my mind, entirely. Somedays I can't look after my son (Dad is here to take over), I can't cope with the tiniest bit of stress, I have had multiple breakdowns resulting in hours or the whole day in bed. Started to feel like I dont want the baby, I won't cope, it'll stop me parenting my son, I don't know if I'll survive it and some other dark thoughts. I broke down in my midwife booking appt, I don't know how I've gone from so excited to feeling like this. I want to press undo, stop being pregnant so I can stop feeling so insane.

Midwife arranged the emergency GP appointment, I saw the Dr they gave my sertraline, but I'm afraid to take them because I think some of this stemmed from how sick and rough I was feeling. I was also prescribed anti sickness tablets that helped. I booked an abortion as I keep thinking if I can stop being pregnant I can be normal and stop feeling so insane. But I am so worried that I will regret this for the rest of my life, I mean I wanted it, I was excited for a couple weeks. I just don't know what's happening and literally feel insane.

I have read as many threads as I can of people in similar situations some who felt fine into second trimester, some who had abortions to immediately regret it and some who felt relief. I guess I just kind of want someone to decide for me, even though I know they can't.

It sounds like perinatal anxiety. Are you suffering from morning sickness or HG? I had anxiety it made me very scared, frightened, all my emotions were heightened, I would cry easily, me and my partner would argue and it would be seen as something really big in my head, I would think of things like having a baby with this man was a stupid idea etc. but once I as out of the newborn stages all that went away. It was all the hormones.

I felt like you and I had a termination out of the fear that I wouldn't be able to look after my existing children from extreme vomiting, tiredness and not being able to function. I could barely look after myself yet barely look after the baby in my stomach (I wasn't eating). I had no support except the usual from family you can't do this you're so sick etc. I wish there has been someone to tell me no these days are temporary and things will get better. I got pregnant 3 months later and the same feelings came back but I knew I wanted to push through this so I would say to myself just one more week. One day in that pregnancy I felt okay. After 10 weeks etc.

I know you're having breakdowns but you need to rest. Rest will help lots even if it means doing nothing all day but staying in bed (some days) and getting up when you are able to. It doesn't matter if you can't have a bath every day or change your clothes (I was like this). Lessen that mental load on your mind and have a minimalist routine. Even if it means having freezer food or the same food everyday. Help yourself.

You're a mother you will cope. You won't be pregnant when you have a baby. My toddler adjusted really well to baby and she loves her. God knows what I was thinking when I was pregnant. It was the hormones. I had thoughts of suicide with the sickness in the pregnancy I terminated. But all I needed was to be kind to myself. You don't have to get out everyday. But fresh air and just a walk will do u good. Take the sertraline, it's safe and will help. But you don't have to. These days will pass.

Can you join a Facebook group of your due date? It really helps having women in your situation support you and you support them. I promise you're not alone in how you feel. What I can say if lots of women regret and abortion but never a baby. I'm only saying this to you because I still deal with grief from my abortion. I wish I could turn back time but I can't. I don't want you to feel that way.

I'll 'decide' for you if you want from one mother to another l. Hang in there it will ease off and be very kind to yourself you can do this. You don't have to obviously if you don't want to. But like you said it's what you wanted. This anxiety will be temporary but an abortion if permanent.

*is permanent

@heartbroken22 thank you. Just thank you so much.

So much of what you said has resonated with me. I had actually started to wonder if this was anxiety, I have never suffered from anxiety before (definitely had periods of being down but never anxiety). I started to wonder because this all seems to have started after a couple arguments with my partner spiraled into thinking we can't do this / we'll never make it and I can't be a single Mum. Then every bad thing seemed to spiral out of control. I feel like today alone I have started to almost control these thoughts, mostly by pushing them away and stop thinking about my choices right now, even though this may not be the best way of dealing with everything, I feel less insane!

I have also taken off work finally and think that was the right choice, having that added pressure on me was just definitely not helping whilst feeling like this.

I have to admit I have been very lucky physically, I am not actually sick. Although have suffered with nausea all day and night which definitely has it's affects, anti sickness meds have definitely helped and fingers crossed right now it seems to be ok.

I am so sorry what you have had to go through and so thankful for you to to reaching out and sharing your experiences. When I was thinking of having an abortion it made me feel more in control, but when I would think about stupid things like sorting all the baby clothes I had kept for hand me downs, it would be heart wrenching. I think you're right and the regret would be debilitating and forever. It's so hard when you're in those moments at your lowest. I am really trying to make the most of my current ok state and feeling in control. Too scared to rebook my midwife booking appointment or really think about that right now but I'm finding staying in this space of not getting carried away and spiralling about the future a relied.

I think your message is going to really help me if or when I spiral again. I have the sertraline on hand, I am still a bit too scared to take it as I didn't want to get worse or feel physically more unwell. But if or when I breakdown again, I am going to accept that this is what's needed and take it.

Just thank you so much and I hope things are ok for you now. Just know that you made the right choices for you at the time, it's so hard when you feel suicidal and have to consider the little ones you already have and thank you for helping me through your experiences.