Hi,
I have not long found out I’m pregnant with baby number four. I’m completely torn. One minute I’m thinking it will be fine and I’ll make it work, then I see a thread about the newborn stage and I start panicking thinking I can’t do the newborn stage again. The thought of four children doesn’t scare me and the thought of four adult children fills me with joy but I really struggle with the small baby stage.
Another thing which is causing me to switch opinions is my five year old daughter. She has severe autism and global developmental delay. Non verbal, still in nappies, no understanding of cause and effect or the world around her. She’s wonderful but she will require lifelong care. Half of me thinks it’s crazy to have another one due to this but then the other half of me is thinking when they’re older and (hopefully a while off!) I’ve died there would be more of them to help with her and therefore less strain on them individually. My eldest also has autism and global developmental delay but is doing well with support and isn’t as affected by it as his sister is.
Practical terms it wouldn’t be ideal. I live in a two bedroomed house. Granted it’s a very large two bedroom. I’m not worried about finding the space but I worry about the lack of privacy. The kids room could easily fit in two sets of bunk beds with space for clothes storage and space to play. There’s two toilets, a shower downstairs and a bath upstairs. I’m not above giving up my room which is also large and getting a nice sofa bed in the future. I could also move if push came to shove but I really like my house and the location.
I can afford it but I also get frightened of the future. While I can afford it right now what’s to say things won’t change in the future. I understand nearly everyone could find there circumstances change and have the same concern though.
Holidays I already pay more due to having three kids. I’ve already had to book two rooms for our summer holiday so in the future adding a fourth won’t push the price up much more than having three does. Food wise I already have to buy two packs of everything. Maybe it will stop me freezing the one leftover chicken breast that then languishes in the freezer never to be used!
I don’t drive but I’m going to renew my provisional today and book in lessons. Not prompted by the pregnancy. This was my New Year’s resolution anyway.
I just don’t know what to do. I can’t face abortion. I don’t really know if I could physically bring myself to do it. I’m not against abortion in any way! I just don’t know if it’s an option for me. On the other hand… what if I have the baby and it destroys everything. I just don’t know and I’m too scared to tell anyone in real life. Also if I tell people I’ll then have to tell them if I abort and I can’t face that.