Hi,
I posted earlier in the week in the relationships thread after me & my partner had an argument.
I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago and since then he has been adamant that I get rid of the baby. He doesn’t see it as a baby but ‘cells’.
I never wanted the abortion. Were not in an ideal situation to have a baby, and I never actually confided my true feelings to him, but I dropped hints that I was upset about getting rid of the baby and that I’d rather keep it. Whenever I did this, he hit the roof and said we’re not in a position to have a baby, he didn’t want anymore kids (he has one with his ex) etc. since he’s known about the pregnancy he’s been offhand with me. Saying I don’t understand how this is messing with his head because it’s out of his control, and I could change my mind at any minute, and if I do I’d never see or hear from him again.
I knew if I kept the baby I’d be bringing it up alone along with my other two children I’m a single parent to. I had an appt on Tuesday, he came with me. When we got to the car he said are we going to start the process now then, and said to take the first tablet there and then.
I wregretyed it instantly, he was with me for thre rest of the day and kept asking me what was wrong as I went quiet and barely spoke. I just said I was tired. I didn’t mention feeling guilty or that I never wanted to do it… I knew it was too late at that point the tablet had been taken.
I was due to take the remaining tablets yesterday and he was with me again, I put them in my mouth then panicked and took them out when I thought he couldn’t see. He saw this and went ballistic, started a massive argument. So I put them back in and a few hours later, and he kept asking through the day ‘has anything happened yet’ and ‘I don’t think this is going to work’. Anyway, a few hours later, I had severe cramps, heavy bleeding and a few clots.
I was devastated but I felt like I couldn’t show my true feelings. As soon as he saw the bleeding happen his demeanour just changed. He was cracking a few jokes, seemed more relaxed and just generally looked happier and like the pressure was off him. For him it’s over with now and he hasn’t got to worry about anything.
Just before he went his ex’s last night to see his daughter he said ‘I mean this in the nicest way, but ‘I hope you get lots of clots tonight’, I just looked at him shocked and he said ‘well we want to make sure it’s all gone and it’s done its job properly don’t we?’.
As soon as he went I just broke down crying. I was in a right mess and I have been ever since, I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept, I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, I revert my decision and I’d do anything to be pregnant again.
I feel like I’ve been pressured into something I didn’t want. I know it’s too late now, the bleeding is severe and it’s gone, I’ve lost it. But physically and emotionally I’m just a complete wreck. I’ve just spent all night and all morning crying, I don’t want to see or speak to anyone, I don’t want to leave the house… it’s really affected me.
Sorry for the ramble, but I just needed to get this out as no one else knows of my situation.