Really don’t know what to do

[Lexaline]

I’m about 12 weeks pregnant and have been considering termination pretty much as soon as I realized this pregnancy might be viable. I felt stressed when the test was positive but expected it to miscarry (I’ve had 2 miscarriages in the last year). All three pregnancies were intentional and I don’t understand how I could have actively tried to get pregnant and now feel the way I feel. I already have 2 kids and I’m worried about 1) my and my partner’s ages (36 and 40) - I just don’t feel good about us having a 13/9yo when we each turn 50; 2) my youngest no longer being the youngest and not being happy about it; 3) wrecking the dynamic between my existing kids and; 3) essentially going back 3 years and going through the baby and toddler stages again which are long and wearing. I feel I am ready to move on from this stage of parenting.

But at the same time I’m terrified I’m going to be filled with regret at some point. This past year I’ve been dying of regret over not having had more kids sooner and desperately wanted more than 2 kids. Now I don’t feel as much like that and just feel like I want to move on. I suffered two other miscarriages prior to the ones last year whilst trying to have my kids and I wonder if the whole process has just messed with my head in a way that I cannot understand or explain. I had a trauma response to my second miscarriage in particular and then a very stressful pregnancy with my second child.

I have booked the surgical termination for next week. I just don’t feel sure about it and desperately hoping some clarity will come to me in time (I doubt it will) but in the meantime thought I’d reach out to see if there is anyone out there who can relate or understand.

Good evening,

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I have found myself in a very similar one recently. I also have two children myself and only two days ago I had a medical abortion at home.

Everybody is completely different,

(Sorry accidentally pressed post)

Everybody is different, but I think after experiencing what I have the last few days I would give the following advice.

a) remember the initial reasons why you wanted to have another child (because these will still stand)

b) try not to think about anyone else's feelings (including your other children) because they will love you regardless of your choice.

c) make sure that you are 100% sure you want to go ahead with the decision, because if you are not 100% sure you may be left feeling very lost and regretful (like me currently)

Hope this helps xx

Hi @JLF99

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I think for me I’ve become so caught up in miscarriage and loss and feeling like there was a child missing and all this trauma that I’m now just so confused about what I actually want. I feel a bit like I’ve lost my mind and can’t trust myself anymore.

Also struggling with the pros and cons in the short term (weighted more heavily to cons) vs the long term (more unknown). I don’t really want to go through the baby and toddler phase and all of that. Just feel ready to have my kids be school age (including my youngest who is only 2). But this is also all temporary and doesn’t last forever.

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing feelings of regret now - perhaps it could be an initial reaction that will fade? Was it an unintended pregnancy? It seems there are risks with whatever decision we make and we can only do the best we can with the info we have. I do hope that you start to feel better soon. It could also be hormonal, and things may settle after a week or so. Wishing you the best and thanks again for your reply.

@Lexaline hi how are you doing now? Did you manage to make a decision? I hope whatever decision you made, you know is the one you thought was right at the time!! X

Have you seen the later thread - the discussion on this may be helpful https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy_choices/4989764-perinatal-anxiety-abortion?page=4&reply=133266076

Hi@Lexaline just wondering what did you do in the end. I could have written your post word for word. In the exact sane position and terrified either was as to what to do.

Hi @Nell23 I’m really sorry to hear you find yourself in this extremely difficult situation. In the end I went ahead with a termination at about 14 weeks. I really felt I could have gone either way. Immediately after I went into possibly the worst depression I have ever experienced, which I think was partly hormonal. I was hit with horrible horrible regret and it was unbearable. However, I had started antidepressants and went to counselling which helped me to see that everything had basically been the result of trauma from my second miscarriage 4 years ago. I now feel much much better and glad that I’m not expecting a baby in the summer but I do still feel sad about it and a bit of guilt. It doesn’t overwhelm me though. It is still relatively new though so I’m still not sure if there will be any long term consequences and feelings about this.

How far along are you? Do you have a gut feeling either way? Have you been to any doctor’s appointments? I hope you’re doing ok, I know how hard this is.

@Lexaline thanks for replying. Sorry you had to go through all that. It's an extremely difficult situation to navigate and so hard to tell how you will feel afterwards. I'm between 6/7 weeks. I'm absolutely torn. I just want the anxiety to end and for me to feel like myself again. I feel my children have lost me already. I want to be mentally stable and present. But also terrified oh how I could feel if I decide again. Basically feel scared to do either. It's torment and I feel awful even feeling like this.

@Nell23 I totally understand, either choice feels terrifying. I remember just wanting a miscarriage which felt crazy as I’d experienced them and was devastated by them.

You have time to consider your decision. Was it an accidental pregnancy? I felt like I’d gone insane as I got pregnant on purpose. I now understand what was going on with me but I really felt like I’d lost my mind at the time.

@Lexaline I feel the same atm which I know is an awful way to think. I'm the same thus was a planned pregnancy. Also feel like I'm losing or have list my sanity!! I can't get my head around it. I can't see any of the positives now and feel I've ruined everything. It's torment. Really wish I didn't feel this way. I'm so lost. X
History of ectopic prior to this but I don't feel its related. Ectopic has been ruled out this time so I don't feel that's was causing thos confusion and anxiety.

@Nell23 ugh yes that’s how I felt, like I’d ruined everything. I was like my family is perfect what am I doing. And then after the termination I felt the complete opposite and it was awful. I felt like I’d deprived them of a sibling, especially my eldest. And all the things I had worried about before felt like non issues. But then they came back to me. I don’t regret my decision but I know some people do.

What would you say your main concerns are? I think it’s important to examine them as some may or may not be resolvable. Also if you can try and book in to see a counsellor?

@Lexaline a big concern is that I've a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby/child at the end. Also thinking how I'm giving up the little free time I have now gained, sounds so selfish I know! Worried my 2 kids will miss out on days out/holidays/general things. I'm aware kids more expensive as they get older and don't want them to miss out. Scared I won't be able to manage 3 and will be terrible and lose my patience. Worried ill resent baby coz of how I feel now also worried about PND. God, they seen so trivial but In my anxious mind they are huge atm. I just can't believe I feel like this, it's the absolute pits.
Have spoke to a counsellor and didn't find her much help, I basically done all the talking. She reckons its antenatal anxiety but didn't give me much help other than telling me that. I've another app this week.
It feels so wrong to be even writing on these boards. Feel like I'm going crazy!! Is it hormones? I've no idea. I just know I've never felt like this before.

@Lexaline I'm so scared that like you and so many others I would immediately regret it. Impossible to know.

Hi @Nell23 how are you doing now?