MA in July, sunk into deep depression. Wanted to try again, now pregnant and feeling so alone and wtf have I done again 💔

[Forgiveness]

Looking for all the love and support please 😢
so I had a MA in July 2023, thought I was very certain on my choices. I wasn’t in a good place. My mh was so bad after losing my step mother who raised me since birth.. so I couldn’t cope with anything. Had a termination. Regretted instantly. Went into the deepest darkest hole of depression, sat in bed for months. Signed off work.. couldn’t face going out. My partner was the same, the panic and fear took over which made us terminate at 8 weeks. Since then I’ve been in such a sad way. So we said we would give it a while and try again. I was told by my medium of 12 years who has helped me for years, baby would come back.. same spirit, and start trying in December. So we kind of did. And boom Xmas day, ended up in a&e with a stomach bug, and was told I was pregnant. For a moment I couldn’t believe it, the medium was right. And I was so happy. FOR A DAY!
now I’m back to where I was before, I’m panicking. I’m 34 engaged and just got a new home, started a business amongst the pain, and have been starting to feel happy again. Since the news, I’m in a bad way 💔 I feel so alone, scared. Feeling like my life is over. I’m starting to feel like I did in July and I don’t get it. I’ve been so depressed by my termination and now I’m thinking i can’t do this, I don’t feel happy. I feel sad and depressed, I feel like I rushed and should have waited. My best friend also told me on Xmas day before I knew I was pregnant; that she was 2 months pregnant.i was so happy, and didn’t know I was until that evening. knowing we had each other was keeping me going, until last week.. when she was told her baby isn’t growing.
so she’s lost her baby, and I feel so sad for her. Also scared because I had her and now I don’t. Please help me 😢 I’m alone and don’t have family around me, just my amazing husband to be. Who is the best, but I still feel alone. I’m so scared my life is over. I’m not ready and don’t feel happy. What can I do.. I can’t do this again. It’s so messed up. I really feel so low x

Hi there,

My situation is different but I can fully relate to the very confusing feeling of doing what feels like a 180 more than once. I have had two miscarriages in the last year. Each time I found out I was pregnant I felt freaked out and regretful. Then I was told the pregnancies weren’t viable and I was devastated, willing it to not be true in the confirmation appointments. This whole last year I’ve been obsessed by the idea of another baby. Then I got pregnant for the third time this year. Once again I felt freaked out and like I didn’t want it, but I expected a miscarriage. The first scan showed it was smaller than it should have been for my dates and I expected another miscarriage and was depressed again. Went for the next scan and it had grown and had a heartbeat. I went home and felt sick. I cried the whole next day and since then I’ve been feeling like this isn’t what I want at all, but I can’t be certain that I want to terminate. I’m 11 weeks 2 days and I do NOT know what to do. Due to all the above, I can no longer tell if I can trust my thoughts or feelings at all. What if I terminate and then regret it?? How will I ever come to terms with that after multiple miscarriages.

Anyway - I’m really sorry you’re going through this, are you speaking with a counsellor? I’m going to call one tomorrow.

It’s all an emotional roll coaster.

In terms of the previous MA you had, it sounds like you still need healing from that. I am saying this as I had a termination a few years ago - became pregnant last year and completely freaked out despite being broody in the run up (being broody doesn’t mean ready). It took me a year to get over the termination and I couldn’t bring myself to terminate a second time - however I did do councelling and the lady suggested that I maybe hadn’t got over the first termination as it was influencing my thinking around the new pregnancy.

Im sharing as our feelings and thoughts are complex and her muddled. I think knowing that you are bringing new life into the world is scary, full stop. You sound like you are in a decent place with your home, husband etc. perhaps pause and have a think about what you want and what having a baby will look like. But also, can you put yourself through another termination? What would that look like?

Grim questions but you still have time to think things through.

Hi, sending love and support for all! Prenatal anxiety and depression is very real and speaking to the gp will help. I'm currently going to prenatal counselling through the NHS. The hormones are high and it takes toll on mental health during pregnancy. I went through a awful termination and instantly regretted it. I am now having therapy and having the prenatal counselling in the hope if I do catch I will be ready mentally. I'm here if you want to pm me xxxx

Oh bless you, im
sending all the love. I think if we break it down, it’s natural to
feel anxiety and panic.. also having an option to terminate, is some people’s safety card and I totally get that.
I think the hormones and reality is a major shock to the system. We know the feeling of loss and regret, pain and depression. So right now, we are conflicted with fear again. I truly think it’s the emotional rollercoaster we are about to endure.. but I have never seen anyone say the regret having a kid. It’s a new way of life… I’m absolutely scared, but I am
truing to see if these are just hormones and not my actual thoughts. I truly believe a soul chooses its mother, and even though you’ve suffered major losses doesn’t mean it’s not meant to happen, it might just been delayed. So I think this baby for you is ready to come now… remember there’s soul contracts. Even with abortion and miscarriages. The spirit, is always there. So take time to have a moment with those thoughts, it’s the fear that drives us into the irrational fear xx

Aww thank you and sending my love to you. I think you’ve been really strong to do that. I did try but I didn’t feel it was helping much. I should have given myself more time, but then again. I feel perhaps when is ever the right time. You go easy and gentle on yourself and if you need anything please reach out. Keep going, it’s tough! But yours already half way there xxxx

Hello Forgiveness, I'm so sorry for all the pain you've been through. You said that you instantly regretted your previous termination, which makes me think that you truly do want to have a child. You might feel alone, but having a loving and encouraging partner who is there for you and wants to have this baby with you is such a huge support. Many women raise babies alone, but you'll have someone there to take turns changing nappies and doing feedings. Having a baby is stressful but you also love them so much, it's like no other love you've ever felt. You're a perfect age, older and wiser, but still in good health. You can find groups of women around the same stage of pregnancy here, or on other sites like What To Expect, which might help you not feel alone. Or your best friend may get pregnant again and you'll have children close in age. This world is crazy and unstable, and it's natural to feel overwhelmed with anxiety and worries. But part of you must want this baby if you were actively trying and not feeling relief from the abortion. I think you are ready and hope that your fears will be calmed with time. Good luck with your business and your growing family!

Thank you so much for all your messages, I’m still trying to process everything. I realise now I was in so much grief I felt the only way out was to try again 😔 but I cannot go through another termination that would destroy me. It’s just so scary. I’m sending my love to you all and thank you all for sending such powerful messages of support ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ you’re all amazing. And I am so grateful

Happy to hear you're getting your thoughts sorted out. I think you'll be a sensitive and caring mum. Hopefully your best friend won't abandon you just because you are pregnant and she miscarried. It might be painful for her at times, but the hope is that she will be able to have a child of her own and you can be there for her when she's sad about the child she lost. She just might need a little time, but I think in time she'll be able to be your friend like you've always been. I think she knows you'd do the same for her. May you have a happy pregnancy, free of the "irrational fear" that we all fall victim to sometimes. And I hope your husband will be excited to become a father as well. This will be a turning point in both your lives and you will love your baby so much.

I did this exact same thing OP. I go crazy first trimester. I got pregnant again, went crazy again, rang the abortion people again. Only difference is this time I told them I had antenatal depression so they wouldn’t do pills in the post and asked me to come in and talk to them. It was like having to buy paracetamol in 8 different pharmacy, enough of a barrier to slow me down.

It got slightly better after 10 weeks, much better by 12 weeks. I think for me the placenta taking over progesterone production from the corpus luteum makes a difference, as it does for women with morning sickness. The lady at the abortion provider thought it may be a post menstrual dysphoria type thing.

Go to the GP and ask for sertraline or medication. Try to remember how you felt when you aborted. You don’t need to make a decision now or anytime in the first trimester. See if the meds get better or it gets a little better with time. It might do, and if it doesn’t you know you at least did everything to explore what was right for you rather than make a sudden decision. Sending hugs your way.

@Forgiveness hey, how are you getting on? X

Hey @Forgiveness hope you’re doing a bit better now :)

Hello everyone, what a rollercoaster it’s been.
im currently 20 weeks pregnant now, i really struggled finding out gender, as i was convinced she was a girl, but he’s a boy. I’m still everyday finding it hard, think it’s my mh and the trauma from last year, but im almost 5 months now… as much as im not jumping for joy, im also just taking each day as it comes
I’ve learnt a lot, i know i rushed it, but then again not everyone just falls pregnant 5 months later, so I’m putting it down to gods plan.
itw been so hard, but im here and im doing it. Hope everyone is ok x

@Forgiveness thank you so much for the update. I’ve been wondering how you’re getting on. Well done - you’re doing amazing to have managed this and you’re half way there now! I had a very similar initial experience with perinatal anxiety and depression and I’m currently thinking of trying again. I’m petrified. The levels of panic and anxiety are so high & I’m so traumatised by what’s happened (I'm getting treatment) so I can imagine how hard it has been. I’m so glad to hear you’re managing though! Any advice or tips very welcome!

@forgiveness this brings me so much happiness ❤️ congratulations xx

@Forgiveness keeping taking one day at a time-its all you can do. i promise once the baby is here it gets easier and all you can do is keep reiterating that this is meant to be . as hard as my thoughts are having another baby, i know i feel a billion times better than in the aftermath of the termination. i try and be thankful i have been given another chance. now my baby is here. i still have in the back of my mind what happened it is a scar that will always haunt us and some days more than others but we deserve happiness and a happy ending. i try and rationalise that we never know what may have happened to our other pregnancy. as the baby becomes more his own person and gives me smiles im totally in love with him. have you got any support from the perinatal mh team- i found them really helpful in managing as i went through the pregnancy x