How has this happened to me again

[3kids3dogs]

Im in a right mess and could do with a sounding board if anyone is around.

I had DC1 in 2015. Went back to work, advanced career a bit. I’m married and in my 30s if that matters any, pretty stable on paper. In lockdown I felt DC needed a sibling and after 6 months of trying along came DC2.

Somehow, despite contraception (pill) I found out I was pregnant again. I really debated not going through with the pregnancy but felt I couldn’t terminate because I had the means to have another baby (own house, small amount of savings, stable relationship) and so I ended up having DC3. There’s a 16 month gap and in all honesty it’s been brilliant. I have just returned to work. No savings left, some debt following back to back maternity leaves. They are aged 8,2,9m.

Yet here I am again, pregnant. How the hell this can happen again I honestly don’t know. I’ve had sex once last month and used a condom. Im devastated. Financially this will cripple us, we are already struggling with the costs of living, we can afford basics but don’t have anything flashy or go on holidays etc.
We don’t have any room, it means someone sharing which isn’t the end of the world but not what I envisioned. My career wouldn’t survive another maternity leave, returning to work afterwards with 4 would be pretty much impossible as we are currently scraping by with grandparents help who would definatley not help again.
We can’t afford nursery. I also had hard pregnancies and some birth injuries after DC2.
Im also scared of the judgement, it was bad enough last time but this time it will be even more so.

I feel termination is the only option. I don’t think I can do this again but I feel horrific. I have always thought I wouldn’t have an abortion and never considered it yet here I am. I don’t think I would regret it because it’s right but I think I would feel guilty forever.

How bad is it in terms of pain? Also how soon can it be done? I’ve literally just got a positive test so maybe 5 weeks or so at the most. To those who have had one, how was it, will I think about it forever more?

Thanks to anyone who reached the end

Hi @3kids3dogs, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have no advice as such, but didn’t want to read and not reply.

firstly, forgot everyone else’s judgement. What do you and DH want? Maybe write down each ‘problem’ and then consider if there is a workable solution - IF you are considering both termination and proceeding with the pregnancy. This may help you to see things a bit clearer.

you sound like a fantastic mum to your 3 and you do need to consider how this would change the dynamic as well.

wishing you all the best. Hopefully someone else will be along soon with some more advice xx

Thankyou @Bump2024 it means alot to have somewhere to write this down. I don’t want to tell anyone in real life (ever!)

We have managed to have a bit of a chat and DH will support either way but thinks it would put too much strain on our family. He has a very high pressured job which means he’s out of the house 6-6 most days at a minimum so really it’s down to whether I can manage because he won’t be there.

Financially things are tight with childcare costs and me not being able to work as much as we would like around school pick ups/potential nurseries. I’m very lucky my mum helps but we can’t afford anything external like a nursery or childminder. I don’t think my mum could manage another, thinks like expecting her to walk 3 babies (DC2 would be 3 and DC3 would be 1.5 and a newborn on top) It just feels too much of an ask. We also have a mortgage which has doubled and we are really feeling the costs of that so I was desperate to work more not less. After the second maternity leave I’m around £5k in debt from overspending monthly on things like shopping, car repairs etc.

I’m also worried about time. My oldest already feels like he’s has to grow up fast, I expect a lot of him because I’m always running after a toddler or a baby. I don’t know how I could manage a newborn, baby, toddler and school age child. It just feels a step too much and that everyone will get the worst of me. Maybe if they weren’t so little? But they are and I don’t want to miss this bit because I’m in a newborn or pregnancy fog again!

I feel like I could make it work but it would make everyone’s life harder than it needs to be if that makes any sense. If the baby had SEN or anything like that it would break us.

I just feel so awful to be in this position, like the worst person for thinking about termination even if it’s not a true ‘baby’ or anything close yet.

You’re making a sensible, reasoned choice for your family OP. At 5 weeks the abortion pill can be taken at home and it won’t be any harder than a period. That said, if you want to wait and think about it some more you have plenty of time to make a decision.

It’s hard whatever you decide. Thinking of you and offering a hug. Definitely don’t blame yourself or think you’re a bad person whatever you choose 💚

If it is what you want and you are set on a termination then you will be OK. I had one when DD was 5 because I wasn’t in a stable relationship and it wasn’t the right time for me. I made the decision. It’s not too painful, some cramping and bleeding for a while. However if you ever need support afterwards, do get it.

I do not regret my decision at all, however I went through a period of sadness but I knew it was the right decision.

Every woman is different. You sound like you are putting your family first. Weigh up your options. Get an appointment to start the process - they do not pressure you at all and you can take it at your pace.

Good luck

Thankyou all. I appreciate everyone’s replies. I’ve self referred to the abortion clinic at my local hospital. Unfortunately the next available appointment is the 9th which seems such a long time. I was hoping to get sorted asap before things progressed but sadly not an option. I think it will be harder the further on it is. I think I will be 7-8w by the time of the actual pill 😩

The wait can be torture but you will get through it. If it helps I was 7 weeks and the process itself went smoothly. Sometimes you can get support during the wait - like councelling if that’s helpful.

If your dates matter (it did a lot for me too) the gynae-centre in London does same day consultations privately and online. I’ve never used their service so don’t know much about it other than there’s very good availability of appointments although it does cost. Saw people mention them on here.

Hope you're ok. Making the decision is absolutely the worst & then dealing with the emotion of it all. That's the bit I found so tough.

In terms of the actual procedure it really was nothing to write home about, booking consultation was easy, pills arrived as expected & started bleeding after the second pill - nothing worse than a period & I was about 6 weeks. Physically I recovered really quickly & the whole thing was straightforward.

Mentally is a whole different ball game & you won't truly know how you'll feel until you go through with whichever decision you make. Most abortion services offer counselling and i'd really advise it, having someone independent to talk to was so helpful.

I hope you're able to make a decision & please just ask if you have any questions