Hi, I'm new here, my first post, I need to get it off my chest, please, don't judge. I'm married, 5 years now, not happy marriage, great lvoe but lot of pain, we do not understand each other and the only thing that make us going is deep love but it is really hard we really struggle on daily basis. I've got 11yo kid from previous relationship, my husband is 22y older than me (I'm in my 30s, he's in his 50s). Dunno how it happened, we had sex really occasionally lately, well, I am pregnant. I terminated already one pregnancy, last year, I got pregnant while having IUD. I knew that time that we're not in a good place, that it was mistake and that I don't wish to proceed. After termination, guilt and other feelings arrived, and even after year I felt like... I said if this happens again, I won't terminate it, I'm not gonna go through it again.. Here we go.. I'm 9weeks, and time is ticking-I gotta decide. Hubby is neutral, I sense he's not thrilled, same reasons as me (the state of our relationship), but he'll stay by my side either way. I seriously don't know. At one side, I am not scared to say that I am good parent, my only child I have is absolute diamond, I love children, I love to take care of family. I'm still young enough. On the other side-just before I found out I'm pregnant, we had terrible fight and bad words were said, talking about me and my girl moving out, having divorce, very emotional and I feel like it put me off so much. I seriously thought this is it. I was looking to new place to rent, I even said it to one colleague at work (never ever I did that before). I seriously thought that's it, we're done. And than bang, I'm pregnant.. I was single parent for couple years with first one, and I went through hell with ex regarding contact with child, child maintenance etc. We've had courts, emotional abuse, I was mentally really bad, he got me real good that bastard. I am petrified that if I proceed with pregnancy, and our marriage will really end eventually (there's solid grounds for this thinking), I'll have to relive the hell again. I couldn't make it, it was pure torture.. I'm so so so confused, so scared, so tired. I don't know what to do.