Pregnant & left for someone else

[ExpectantEs]

Hi All,

I’m having a bit of a hard day and have read through countless posts about the same topic, but thought I would write my own.

Me (30) and my (ex)P (31) have been together for four years and I’m 9 weeks pregnant. It was an unplanned pregnancy, as we used a condom but it came off part way. We had planned to get engaged this year and we have a very large shared community. Tbh I have been a little unhappy in the relationship recently but ‘sunk cost fallacy’.

As these stories sometimes go, as soon as I told him I was pregnant he demanded I get an abortion and his personality completely changed. The last 5 weeks have been hell - him telling me he hates me, that I’ve ruined his life etc

During our relationship, I was able to get on the property ladder as a first time buyer last year (2 bed terraced). I have a very good high paying career and a car. He however, hasn’t managed to achieve much due to some things post covid. Hence why he believes the baby will further damage his chances of getting on his feet.

I’ve had 2 terminations before, one at 18 during college and one with this same partner 2 years ago - I slightly regret both but I know they were the right choices at the time. A third would be devastating.

After a few weeks of no contact and him ending it with me, he showed up yesterday and revealed that he met someone else a few weeks ago - which is partly why he doesn’t want the child. To say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. He said things are progressing very quickly with her. He’s shown his true colours and I do not want to be with him.

My mum said she will move in with me & help as my parents are retired and mortgage free. I have my sister and BIL (w 2 kids) down the road and also his family are close by and very much want to be part of the babies life. Everybody is so excited - except him.

I haven’t told any of my friends as I’m deeply embarrassed as they all did the whole Marriage first, then baby thing.

Thanks for reading x

I want this child, and I believe I can provide a good life for it. However, I keep having this recurring thought that I’m ruining my life. I’m scared I will be lonely, single & unwanted.

I guess I’m here to vent, as I can’t stop crying. What if this is my last chance as I’ve had 2 terminations before?

The purpose of my post is seeking encouragement. Are there any mothers that were left pregnant, and how it turned out for you? Did you regret keeping the baby? Did you ever find a life partner? Am I making a huge mistake?

I bet my last advent chocolate he has been seeing her significantly longer than you think and a baby would tell her he was lying about either being single or he had told her your relationship was over and you were not having sex, just living together for convenience.

he is a loser. Do it alone. Contact cms when baby is born.

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB

I agree with you. I believe this has been going on for longer. Changed passwords, phone on DND. I was actually planning to leave just before I found out I was pregnant as I felt suspicious. As usual the made me feel crazy that there was nobody in the picture.

He even said to me that she knows about the whole situation and is supportive. I'm in complete shock that another woman would sign herself up for this..

But thanks for your reply

Your post seems like your heart and soul wants this baby and you just want reassurance. Keep the baby. You won't regret it. It will be hard at first but you said your mum can help. Once baby gets to 3 months it's so much easier. I'd tell him to get lost and your keeping the baby. He has no power over you. If he wants to mess around then go ahead. I'd say get rid of your partner not baby.

I like heartbroken's advice, as all signs in your post point to you and other relatives being welcoming to this child. Just because your partner hurt you doesn't mean this baby can't be a good thing to happen in your life. Don't assume your friends will judge you. I'm guessing they will be happy for you, and that they know that there is not only one way to bring a child into the world. Hope that you are okay and ready to be assertive and follow your heart.

@heartbroken22 Thank you for the reassurance. I have decided to keep the baby. Doesn't make each day any easier as I'm also grieving both the future I thought I was going to have, and my relationship - but I'm just trying to take each day as it comes. Thanks

@SnowySpa I haven't told anyone yet because of this feeling of 'shame'. I don't know how I'm even going to tell them the story. I hope they won't judge me anyways. Assertiveness is something I struggle with, but I will try. Thank you for your encouragement

Unless your friends are religious in a way that guilt tripping would be expected, I don't think you'll need to worry. Unless your former partner acts totally different when he's with you and with other people, they may already feel he wasn't good for you and be happier that you got away from him and can find someone better. If it makes you feel any better, I was a newlywed and went around telling my whole office how great natural family planning was (not having sex around ovulation time). Then I had an unplanned pregnancy several months later. Talk about embarrassing! But people were nice and didn't rub it in my face. We had the baby and it worked out, but I started using actual contraception after that.

I'm so sorry your partner is being a jerk and throwing away a very long term relationship. But it sounds like it's much better you found out now. The love you will have for your baby will make other concerns feel like paper blowing away in the wind. I'm so glad you have a supportive family, and hope you will find a loving partner and stepdad for your child, who treats you the way you deserve, with love and gentleness. All my best to you!

@SnowySpa Your story made me laugh! One of my friends had the same experience with avoiding sex during ovulation week - her and her husband had a baby within a few months. It's not the most effective haha

My friends have been telling me to leave him for months. He's not been a very good partner to me in general. And then I fall pregnant at the time I want to leave him. Funny how things play out.

I really really hope I find a partner one day, when the time is right x

Your friends sound like they care about you and I don't think you need to be shameful at all. Your son or daughter could be the one good thing that comes out of that time period of your life. And I bet you will meet a good man who will treat you much better and be a loving stepfather to your child. If not, you still have all your family to provide a consistent caring presence. I think you'll be a kind, strong mum, and give your baby all the love you have to give!

@SnowySpa thank you - every day is getting easier and I'm getting more excited. I told one of my friends that I thought would judge me, and she completely surprised me and is so excited! We are grown women in our 30's, not children.

Also, I don't know you at all, but I just feel that you're an incredible person. I'm so grateful for your words and I hope you get everything you want in life.
Have a good Christmas xx

Thank you for your kind note, Expectant! I'm so glad that your friend is sharing in your joy and understanding that children don't have to be planned to be a blessing. I'm glad you listened to your heart and not to the anxious thoughts that often don't end up being true. It's so hard to tell the difference when we are scared and worried. And thank you for your kind words as well. I just returned from spending a week with my sister and mum, we were doing home hospice care for my father who has chosen to stop treatments for his cancer. He died peacefully on Christmas in the late afternoon and we are heartbroken but relieved that he no longer has to suffer. I'm so glad I could be there, and be all together one last time. There are so many incredible people on this board, people who have sensitive hearts and really care about those who are hurting. I'm sure you are an incredible person too, and your son or daughter is very lucky to have you as their mum. Give that baby all your love, and may your life also hold far more joy than sadness, and may your friends and loved ones always be there for you during the hard times. Hugs to you, dear.