Attempted Abortion…

[UUS38]

I’m currently about 6 and half weeks pregnant and found out 3 weeks ago. I have two older teenage sons and my husband and I were not planning any more children. There are lots of compelling reasons to have an abortion (financial, future plans, children being older). I am pro choice but for myself personally I have never thought that having an abortion would be for me and I really struggle with the idea of going through with it.

I booked a medical abortion, at the time I thought just book it in as I can always change it etc. it was due yesterday, I cried the whole way there in the car (about an hour away) and then sat in the car crying when we got there. My husband was great and said if I wasn’t ready then I shouldn’t do it and that he could deal with if we had the baby but I know that’s not what he really wants. The logical side of me agrees with him but the emotional is massively struggling.

I missed them appointment and they couldn’t fit us back in. I called up and rearranged it for 10 days time, still a medical abortion.

I guess my question is has anyone attempted to go for an abortion multiple times and been brave enough to go through with it? I thought about switching to surgical too as I think perhaps that would be easier as I am worried I will find it very hard to go through with taking the second lot of tablets.

Part of me wants this baby but the impact it would have would be huge and I worry about that effect on my current children.

I should add that I have been having counselling sessions though the provider and although helpful they are short. I also have had breast cancer 7 years ago and was told I was less likely to fall pregnant after chemo etc (we took precautions) so I didn’t think this would happen!

Hi OP. Sorry you are in this position and hope you are ok.
What kind of counseling are you having through your provider? Reading your post sounds like you don’t actually want the abortion? It is a hard decision.
I am currently in the same position and waiting on a termination, sadly it’s been less than straight forward and they are querying an ectopic.
Remember you have several weeks to make your decision. Surgical is all over very quickly and it does take a lot of the process away from you.
Thinking of you.

Thanks NeedMyHandHolding, I am sorry to hear you are also in a difficultly position and I hope that it’s not ectopic and you are ok.

The counselling is telephone appointments but only 30 mins a go and go by very quickly.
they are helpful but I don’t feel any closer to a solid decision.

I am very torn if I am honest and it’s a heart vs head scenario. I think a big part of it is being worried I will regret a termination or not be able to forgive myself.

The sensible side of me realises that the most sensible answer is to not have the baby and to get on with life as we planned.

I know I have time but feel it will have harder the further along I get.

It’s not my first termination (children in between) and for us it’s definitely as you’ve mentioned above “carry on with life as planned” it doesn’t make it any easier though.
Do you have any other support for this irl except for your husband?
Very sorry that you feel like you wouldn’t forgive yourself. I have never felt that way (thankfully) though everyone is different, in what way do you feel like you wouldn’t forgive yourself?
Please do feel free to pm me if you’d like to chat more or have some extra ongoing support xx

Thanks. I have other support available but I have not gone to them as it would be a biased opinion and most likely disappointment that I had decided to terminate. That’s probably feeding into my feeling about forgiveness and regret.

As I said in my original
post I am pro choice and everyone
should make the right choice for them. However, when it boils down to it, ultimately I can’t get over the feelings I am having for myself I terms of termination and how I feel guilt. I am sure this is normal emotion but I seem to be feeling it a lot and when it cane
to the crunch at the weekend I just couldn’t bare the thought and like I said I was an emotional wreck. We did go into the clinic (we agreed we would talk to them and not take any action at that appointment) but I had missed my appointment. However, other people that were coming in were composed and although I’m sure they felt all different ways I couldn’t help feeling that I needed to be in a more composed place before going through with it.

I had the exact same thing! I kept breaking down and didn’t go through with the abortion in the end. I cannot tell you where these feelings came from. I would say that having a niggling “want” for the pregnancy May play a role. In my circumstances the logical reasons for a termination outweighed the emotions attached to it but I couldn’t do it. My first appointment was at 10 weeks (medical) as that was the earliest I could get. Then I had 3 surgical booked in about 2 weeks apart!

This is just to tell you that I have been there. However I did have an abortion a few years ago and it was completely my choice. I went in, came out. Had a hard time emotionally for a few months after but it was the right decision for me at that time. It was much harder for my OH at the time though and we broke up and he started a family with someone soon after - think they’ve broken up now.

It is good that you are getting councelling. I would say keep talking to your partner about it and how you are feeling - that is the one thing I wished I had done more when I was feeling so unsure about the decision. And also find your voice and reason in all of this. You mentioned that you have quite a judgemental group of people IRL - so zoning everyone out and reminding yourself that the decision you are making is for you and your family hopefully helps with some clarity.

It is so hard! I felt like I was wasting everyone’s time but the doctors are there to support you too xx

Thank you for your message princessandthepea! I too cannot explain the feelings but I just sobbed and sobbed and I still have no idea if I can actually go through with it but the idea of having a baby now also feels absolutely crazy! I am in the same situation as you in that the logical outweighs the emotional but I just cry every time we talk about it.

The people I have around me IRL are quite pro-life and although they would probably
want me to see it though would not judge me that severely if I did go through with a termination. I have not told them
as like you say I would need to zone that out and it would only add to the stress!

I too feel a bit like I’m wasting peoples
time but I am trying to remember what a huge decision this is.

It is interesting to hear you had a termination too, was that before or after the pregnancy you spoke about first? I do wonder if perhaps it is different depending on if you have had children previously or not but I guess it’s different for everyone. DH is being very supportive and letting me take my time. He has offered to get me some longer counselling sessions to help so
perhaps that is something I should
explore