TW- My boyfriend wants an abortion

[Forgemenot]

I want to start this by saying we’re both young, he’s in his last year of university and I started later than everyone else, we’re both 20 and we live together. I respect him completely and i will comply, he’s completely logical in this situation and I’m emotional. I just want someone to tell me it’s okay to grieve someone you haven’t met yet.

yesterday, I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. It was a shock, I sobbed. I told my sister, who’s been in this situation before. She talked me through my options. I know deep down I want this baby, but I know he’ll be unhappy. I don’t want to ruin his life. I’m just terrified of the guilt I’ll carry.

This decision all depends on what you really want its your body. How would he react if you decide against him. Would he stay and still support if not would you cope alone. How would you cope if you went with his decision. With two totally different decisions either way will impact both of your lives. So sorry your in this situation. My advice would be to do what you think is best for you.

Do what is best for YOU.

Remember that men can walk away without a backward glance.

If you go ahead, it'll all be down to you.

You should do what is best for you - and that may be completely opposite to what your boyfriend wants.

Please don't 'comply' just to keep him. Never comply in any relationship - be an active decision maker.

Make the decision for yourself - yes it's a tough one, not going to sugar coat it. However complying with a boyfriend's demand you abort, when you're not sure yet or definitively want to keep the pregnancy will wreck your relationship, without a shadow of a doubt. He may be happy but you will blame him for the abortion and come to resent him, however much you love him now.

There is no answer here that is right for both parties - he doesn't want the child, you do. Compromise is not possible. I would strongly urge you to do what you want. Talk again to your sister, tell your parents.

It is perfectly fine to be feeling emotional about this, and yet logic isn't the only thing to drive the decision. And yes if you do go ahead and abort it is perfectly normal to grieve for the loss of your child. But please don't choose to abort to comply with a boyfriend's wishes and to keep him happy - you should be the main decision maker here.

Leave him out of this decision

Do what is right for you

I'm very pro-choice for women to have abortions if they want to. No woman should be coerced to have a baby if she doesn't want to. And no woman should be coerced into having an abortion if she doesn't want to. Most women who have no regrets getting one aren't saying what you are right now (unless it's an abortion for health reasons and they want the baby but it's a fetus with severe defects or woman had high risks if she continues with pregnancy). You need to make this decision based on what you want because women are the ones who suffer the most either decision.

If you want your baby, don't let him guilt you into not having it.

the word that worries me in your post is "comply". he's not pregnant. you are. only you make the decision.

do what feels right to you

it's very normal to feel emotional and to love someone you haven't met. don't deny that part of yourself. think about your options and talk to your family and friends, don't take advice only from him.

also I disagree with the opinion that you "will be 100% alone" if you do this. it will be tough at the beginning - but when he works, he has to pay CM and you will be entitled to benefits. if you are in your final year, you will probably be due after your exams, it's doable. I know women who have been in your position and did really well (my mum was 19 and had a stellar academic career, retired now)

also maybe seek some counselling before making a decision?

No one should be coerced into having an abortion. But you need to go into this pregnancy with your eyes wide open. Are you in student housing? Where would you live? How will you support yourself financially? Do you have a job? Have you looked at the cost of childcare which is around £1k per month for a nursery place? Do you know how much CMS is if you need to claim it from the Father? There are calculators online. Does he have a job lined up after graduation? What will happen to your university course? Will you pause your studies? Would your parents be supportive? Would you stay where you are or move back home? These are all questions you need to ask yourself.

You will possibly be doing this alone as a single parent. Raising a child is hard, this isn't just having a baby. I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Having been to uni myself I would have wanted to finish my degree and get a job so I could have a paid maternity leave rather than the much lesser paid benefits.

He doesn’t have a uterus, so it doesn’t matter if he wants an abortion. It’s not his decision. It’s yours.

And you want to keep your baby. So keep your baby.

Is he worried about ruining your life by forcing you to abort your baby when you don’t want to?

OP you could break up with him at some point. Many relationships don't last. Don't have an abortion to please him. Being emotional doesn't mean you're incapable of making decisions, deciding what you want or making a less than ideal situation work.

He had the means to prevent this pregnancy occurring if it was that important to him not to father a child. He could have used a condom, had a vasectomy or abstained from sex. He chose not to. If he feels his life is ruined by you having a child, he needs to remember that he was the one who ruined it (and then grow the fuck up and stop being so dramatic. Men can and do walk away from unwanted children and it has zero effects on the man's life (lots don't pay child support), except that he can't continue having sex with the mother of his child who is now his ex).

He's not being logical and reasonable because he's not taking into account the fact that you want this baby. He's a gaslighting arsehole who is trying to convince you he's right and you should ignore your own feelings.

You need to consider things like how you'll feel if you have an abortion and something goes wrong that means you can't have any more children. As well as the guilt you may feel over this one, which has the potential to destroy your mental health and so your life.

I'm pro-choice. Women's choice. About what they do with their own bodies and lives.

I hate how men think contraception is a kind of optional extra that doesn't apply to them/isn't their responsibility, that an accidental pregnancy isn't the end of the world because there's always abortion as an option to reset the situation.

If you don't want an abortion and have one because it's what he wants, there's a high chance you'll end up resenting him and breaking up anyway. You'll be grieving and he won't be able to support you because he's not grieving with you and is instead the cause of the grief. Meanwhile he'll be breathing a sigh of relief and expecting things to return to normal ASAP probably thinking of abortion as no big deal for you, because that's how it feels for him.

So the only question is: what's right for you (and the baby)? Leave him out of the equation. Look at all your options for your degree. Like deferring or crèche. Talk to them about what options and help there are for single mothers at the university. There's probably a counsellor, speak to them. Speak to family planning counsellor too. Think about how having the baby impacts your life and career. Think about possibilities for how to manage your mental health/life if you have an abortion, it's a life changing thing. Some people can put it in the past fairly quickly, the ones who knew it's the right decision for them I expect, it's probably not that easy for the ones who were talked into it, but some people need time and help to get over it. Decide what's right for you, whether that's having the baby and keeping it, having it and putting it up for adoption or having an abortion.

Then see where his place in all this is, which isn't solely his decision either, unless he breaks up with you and walks away from the child completely. If he wants to stay together and you don't, you can tell him to get lost. If you have the baby and he wants to see the child he can discuss that with you, he doesn't just get to decide when. I'm mentioning this because you're maybe used to going along with what he wants and don't realise the power you have over your own life and future, both the big decisions and the smaller day to day ones. You mentioned respecting him. This decision about the pregnancy has nothing to do with respecting him or not. You can respect someone whilst also not agreeing with them and not doing what they want.

Good luck.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. Either choice will be a life altering one. But you should feel empowered to be the one to make it.
And you certainly shouldn't be pushed into a decision by the boyfriend because in the end it is your body, your mind and your life that will be impacted the most.
If I were you and not knowing how far along you are exactly, I would not rush into anything right now. Don't make this kind of decision in a panic.
I would seek out more information. Talk to your university and to family planning services to find out what possible support there is out there. Talk to your family, they might suprise you and be willing to support you.
Someone mentioned childcare cost. However some universities do have support such as a creche and also from September 2024 children get 15 hours free childcare and from September 2025 they get 30 hours free childcare.
Try and find people that went through a similar situation and talk to them.
You really need to try and dig down into how you truly feel and how you would feel after going through with either option. You said you actually want this baby. So do you think you could mentally cope with getting rid of it. That is a very heavy mental burden to carry for the rest if your life, especially if part of you wants to keep it. Don't have an abortion just in order to save your relationship, that is such an unknown, it shouldn't be a determining factor. Not all relationships survive anyway and after such a monumental decision your relationship will face a massive hurdle either way.
I said both to my ex and to my now husband when we were dating that I wanted us to do the utmost to prevent a pregnancy, as I knew myself and that our relationship would not survive if I ever had to make that choice.
I don't know what exactly happened in your situation, if contraception failed or there was some more risky behaviour. But your boyfriend very much played a role in it. You don't get pregnant by yourself. And the only way to actually 100% prevent it, is by not having sex. So somewhere your boyfriend must have known there was at least a very small chance this could happen. Abortion is not a contraceptive and should never be seen as one, as for the women it has a massive mental impact.
Now imagine you have an abortion and your relationship does survive the situation. Do you want to have kids someday and does your boyfriend. Will trying to get pregnant then bring this situation back up in your head and how will you feel in that situation? What impact will it have on your relationship then? What if you end up struggling at that point to conceive, how would you feel then.
You also need to consider what keeping the baby will mean for you. How will you support yourself and your kid? It's not impossible but it certainly isn't as easy as your previous situation. How will you feel mentally if you keep the baby? Not in relation to your boyfriend but in relation to how it will impact your own life. Will you feel like you cheated yourself? If you truly dig deep would you prefer to prioritise yourself, your studies and your future career.
You really need to ask yourself these big questions and be completely honest with yourself. Answering those questions honestly will help you move forward knowing you made the best decision for yourself.

Don’t worry about him, focus on yourself. Can you support the baby? Do you have finances, a safe and stable home, do you have the set up to be the mum you want to be and offer your child a good, stable and secure upbringing? Those would be the key questions for me.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Like Rugbee said, if you take him out of the equation, could you raise this baby alone? Think about the impact on your own future.

You may get child support and nothing else from your boyfriend - could you manage with that. Or he may see the baby and fall in love and then make it work.

I agree with the above. Don't be pressured into a decision by him, but be aware that not all men can handle it at that age. He might run, he might step up... so if you decide to keep it, be prepared for a potential struggle.

Have you told him already? I can’t tell from your post. Have a conversation with him but maybe spend some time making a decision for yourself once you eve gauged his reaction.

I had my DD whilst I was at uni and whilst I had zero plans I was lucky enough to have family support which meant I could continue studying and later on working in my career.

This isn’t a black and white decision. But have a few scenarios in mind. There is also lots of support for parents that go to uni. This may have changed but I had access to childcare vouchers and grants but this was almost a decade ago so do some research and ask your university what they can offer.

Also map out your support system. Are you around family that could or are willing to help out?

The first few years are difficult and it does get easier once they start nursery etc.

I don’t regret having my DD at uni and I knew a few other young parents that were so motivated and studied alongside having a baby.

Good luck x

How are you doing, Forgemenot (OP?) I hope you are having honest communication with your partner and not just letting him decide what happens here. Your relationship won't be the same if you feel forced into aborting.