Abortion Regret

[TinnyLee12]

I’m sharing my own story in hopes of finding some comfort and hope. And also to warn others that are debating a decision not to do it simply because they are running out of time to decide. I am walking around in the deepest grief I’ve ever experienced as a result of forcing myself to have an abortion that every part of my body rejected having out of panic, fear, and dread.

I am 40, single, and childless. After an LTR ended in my mid-late 30’s I spent the pandemic watching my fertility painfully dwindle away. Over the last year I finally started dating again and recently moved back to my home state. When I arrived I was deeply depressed after a failed romance that I was really hopeful could evolve into a partnership with a child. I was crushed and ran right into the arms of a guy that was bad news.

I take really good care of myself so I knew I was fertile, but was nonetheless shocked this man knocked up the second time we hooked up. Over the month that we dated I experienced a ridiculous amount of drama with him being possessive, jealous, and insecure all while keeping someone else (an unstable schizophrenic girl 20+ years younger that’s obsessed with him) on the side. I also began to hear stories of him being mentally abusive so I’m not surprised at how things went down.

By the time I found out I was pregnant, he had already broke up with me because he felt rejected and run off with the other chick (still calling me of course). His first response was anger at the idea of paying child support (almost done paying for his first) later followed by the assertion that if I wanted to be with him we could raise it together on “his lead” claiming he would be a great dad, but that I was too selfish to be a mother, would never make it 18 years, and if I offed if to never talk to him again. So I was rattled.

We tried to give it another go but I knew it was unlikely things would work between us. He kept picking fights, trying to get into my head, and I started trying to wrap my head around being a single mother.

I tried to talk the abortion pill around 8.5 weeks but threw it up because I knew this baby was a blessing. Went back to him and tried again. Within a few days we got in another fight largely because I was hyper-focused on a work deadline (I’ve been struggling at my job and was even more terrified of losing it when I found out I was pregnant) and he was accusing me of “playing games” for of responding to him quickly enough.

We hadn’t spoke in over a week and I was still ruminating about whether or not I could keep the child alone but was feeling more relaxed without him around. Sadly, I said a prayer to my baby and asked for an unmistakable sign and soon that if I was meant to abort. The next day I went to a place I never go for no particular reason to have dinner with my mom and there he was with her. He smirked at me. It stung. I left and tried to text him and discovered he’d blocked my number - only to text me “I always win :)” shortly later. I hit the roof. I was 10
weeks pregnant and felt so vulnerable and was just full of rage. I said horrible things back to him.

My depression and anxiety started to consume me from here. I went and got a sonogram the following week. I want to throw up now thinking about it. I had a beautiful child in my womb and I let him go. I was amazed and terrified at the same time.

I shared the sonogram with him and while my message was defensive, his response still gutted me. He said he felt sorry for the baby (if it was his) and that he never wanted to talk to me after what I said and saw no good in me.

I spiraled more. I took mifepristone that weekend. This time I didn’t throw it up, but I did take progesterone in the morning.

I couldn’t bring myself to take the rest. I laid in bed every night and could not. even my mother who desperately wants a grandchild was encouraging me to go through with it at this point - she felt sorry for me because the guy disgraced me and she thought I was going to get stuck on it; she gave me courage by saying she’d had a few abortions that didn’t phase her and that I’d feel relief. suddenly these were the messages I was getting, largely because I blocked out all the hopeful messages. So I made an appointment at 2 clinics in 2 different states.

The first one sent me away because I was crying too much to take the miso before the procedure. It’s as if I was trying to force myself. Sadly I got on a plane and flew to the other clinic where a friend lives. I told her that night I didn’t want to go and she said she thought we should. She picked me up in the morning and we talked in the car; I told her I didn’t feel like I wanted to go on with the situation but didn’t want the abortion either.

she encouraged me to have the procedure to cut ties from him and convinced me I could have a baby with a donor or someone else.

i basically dissociated my way through it. They drugged me so I was okay right after but woke up in the night and felt I was in a horror film. Panic and grief took hold in a way I’ve never felt. I had to call a suicide line the next day. I barely made it back to my home.

I’ve been staying at my mother’s house for the past week and don’t know how I’m going to live with myself. I feel like I’ve been crying about not being a mother for years, god answered my prayers, and then I fell apart and gave it up because it didn’t come the way I imagined.

I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore after giving up the thing I’ve wanted most. I feel like I had a nervous breakdown and made the biggest mistake of my life out of fear, panic, and hurt. If I never have a child I feel like I’ll never recover from this. I’ve never experienced all-consuming pain like this before. The panic I’m feeling about not having a partner to try again with is overwhelming. I can’t believe what I gave up; waves of nausea and grief keep hitting me over and over. I don’t know how to make peace with it all.

This guy sounds like trouble. Your life will undoubtably be easier without him in it.

I think your friend’s advice about trying with a donor or even a friend is great. You will have a much happier kid with you and your family to love them than with a toxic Dad who turns up to make trouble now and then.

You sound like you wanted a baby but you knew you didn’t want that man. That’s fine. When you know what you want you’re one step closer to making that future happen.

I know it must hurt enormously today. It gets a bit easier with time. I feel for you enormously but hold onto the reasons why you did it and look at other ways you can make a family 💐You deserve a good life and you have left an abusive relationship. That’s massive and things can only go up from here.

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I think in my retelling I leave out the parts about him that were good, and the role I played in pushing him away out of my own doubt. He was actually a friend of my mom’s (she had me young so he’s right between us age-wise) and a member of the lodge our family goes to; in the month we were dated he got himself banned for 90 days for raging out and saying horrible things to someone.

things had ended between us right before I found out I was pregnant and more and more people had approached me with stories about him being awful, a fun person and a good drummer, but weird/awful with women, told me to be careful with my mind because he gets into people’s heads.

my experience with him was that he would act really needy for my attention but would flip a switch at the slightest facial expression and it would always go immediately to “you’re horrible/evil, never talk to me again.” I would distance myself accordingly and then somehow he’d be acting like a wounded puppy in response to my ambivalence, accuse me of not taking responsibility, of treating him like shit, etc. So I often felt guilty because he was right / I was ambivalent and didn’t prioritize spending time with him everyday. Early on this seemed appropriate but he felt I was depriving him I suppose. The last time we got together I told him I felt bad that I wasn’t meeting his needs and he says they were wants.

we got through a few more good days and then he went back to acting all weird and suspicious about me staying in to work on a report that I told him repeatedly was critical and rare.

when he showed up at my place and I was still working I was angry. He said I wasn’t angry and acted wounded. I erupted and said he was acting like a demanding toddler and I was disgusted by it. So I was really harsh. He left saying he was going to focus on his stuff and move on and I said fine. He sent me one more text that night accusing me of having already had an abortion and told him to f* off.

so I was no picnic there in the end either. It’s left me terribly confused about my role in the demise of things. I wish I’d stuck with the pregnancy. I feel like I gave up the thing I wanted most in life because of an asshat and at my age, I’m scared I won’t have another go at it.

in the end I feel like terminated the pregnancy because my mental health was buckling under all the stress.

But in a nutshell, you are correct: my first reaction was that I didn’t want to be pregnant with his child. The problem is that I am having a spiritual crisis now as a result of terminating the pregnancy. I pushed through despite that feeling and made it far enough go get attached to the little being. And now I’m questioning everything and feel like I went against nature, god, everything. I’ve always been pro-choice but I feel differently about everything now and feel I should have just surrendered to the circumstances in which my baby arrived. I was plagued with fears related to my family’s legacy: controlling men taking children away from the mothers. He was probably too broke to bother, but I do believe he would have tormented me. I think I was hoping we’d fall in love and figure it out but realized the night I ran into him that was a pipe dream.

I still feel so sick when I realize I could be sitting here still pregnant sharing the news with people and instead I’m right back in the same space of emptiness and sadness. I really feel that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I just pray to god that my baby comes back to me when I’m well and strong enough to stay away from bad men. My biggest mistake with this pregnancy was sharing it with him and thinking I needed a man. I do wish I had a partner to journey into motherhood with but I’m willing to forego that now I’ve realized.

I'm so sorry TinnyLee, you did not deserve to be treated like that. It's no wonder your heart's voice got drowned out underneath all his noise. It's okay to let yourself grieve for your loss, and to be gentle with yourself. Don't let that guy anywhere near you, and find someone who loves you the way you want to be loved.

Hi,
I have been through a very similar thing to you: 40, single and childless, but about 12 months ago I got pregnant to a guy on a ONS. I had also sat in the pandemic worried that this world event may mean I lose my chance at being a mum, but then I got the gift without even trying. Initially shocked, but then I embraced it, then a number of things happened and my mental health crashed, no support and the father said he didn't want it, and I aborted.
I instantly crashed. Like you I went to my mums and that was the best place for me. I stayed there for about 3 months. I cried, I held my tummy, I ran through my actions again and again, it was awful.

The comfort I can give you, is you do have options. Men who would like to be donors or coparent are out there. I did join one of these websites and quickly met someone, and this is comfort. He's not perfect, but he has a lot of positives healthy, we get on, his sperm works, and he wants to coparent. When you are ready prehaps this is something you could look into.

Feel free to DM me and happy to talk. Just don't want to comondier your post.

Take care.