Plz help me

[LydiaRebecca14]

I’m 31. 3 children (mum since I was 16)
Ages 13,12,5
The two eldest are from a previous young relationship whose dad I am best friends with.
My 5 year old… I left his dad 2 years ago due to domestic violence. (Narcissist) I cried for 6 years, pregnancy with my son was awful. Anyway, I finally left him when my boy was 3. Women’s Aid moved me and the kids an hour out the city for safety we left our friends, family everything. Moved all the schools. It was so hard. Our house didn’t even have flooring. It was an old shell. Really started from ground zero.
We have a court order now for our son so that’s resolved.

So here I am, domestic abuse survivor, I HAD to leave a man I deeply loved. For my kids.
New house, new area, no family or friends. Just us.
6 months ago… I met a new man. Totally on the off chance. After telling myself I was totally done with males forever. We bumped into each other multiple times in my new area and we just laughed so much & really hit it off.
He’s everything my son’s dad wasn’t.
Kind, bubbly, pro active, generous.
He is 46, great job, NO kids, his own home. He’s a dream to most.

I’m about 6 weeks that’s all but all I’ve done is cry. I lay in bed as much as I can and sob into my sheets. I’ve not told the kids they don’t need to know. I’ve kept it to myself. My new man is over the moon and would love to be a dad but says he’ll support whatever I chose…

I just feel:
Stupid. I’ve ruined our fresh start.
Guilty on my 5 year old boy. He is my baby and I have this awful guilt that the new baby is with someone new? Weird I know. And I don’t want him to think he’s not my baby anymore.
I’ve felt so poorly the last two weeks. Extreme sick & tired which is making me so miserable.
I’ve been horrible to the new man and pushed him away (hormones) yet he still makes sure I’m ok.

Or…. Has the universe sent me a fairytale and everything my heart wishes for when I was in an awful relationship. I use to pray and ask for my husband to come etc. now look I’m a mess!
Am I taking a beautiful opartunity for granted???

What makes it worse is….
I’ve always tried to be close to my mum but she’s never been interested. She’s not a bad person but she’s never made the effort. I’ve always dreamed of sitting with her with a tea and having a woman chat. I’ve asked her and she just doesn’t. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t want be in Floods of tears and she says I should have been a nicer child? I’ve accepted she doesn’t want me and just loves me from a distance but times like this you need a strong woman that loves you & I don’t have one which is why I’m here!!
Any thoughts & advice welcome xxx

Hi Lydia, wow, you sound like a strong and resourceful mum. Having your first two so young shows that you are able to sacrifice for your children and put them first. I'm glad you're still on such good terms with their father and hope he is supporting them financially. I am so sorry for all the heartache from the father of your 5 year old. It's scary how cruel and hurtful some people can be, especially toward those who trust and love them. I'm glad you were able to get away from him. I would say, don't push this new partner away. Keep up good communication with him. Maybe he had thought his chances of being a father had passed (unless he has other children), and then you came into his life. Fifteen years is a pretty significant age difference, but it sounds like he's a lovely man and you're finally being treated as you deserve. If he is willing to be a supportive parent, then maybe you could make this work. Your older two don't need as much attention and can be of help around the house, maybe doing their own laundry if they aren't already. And the five-year-old would not be the baby anymore, but he will still know the love of his mum, family, and new brother or sister. I'm sorry your own mum is emotionally distant, it makes it even more amazing how much you've accomplished in your life. Keep talking with your partner and trying to visualize the future, and if there is room for another child in your lives. I hope things work out for you, dear.