Totally undecided

[Namechangeonetime]

Posting on here for help please! I cannot make a decision and am going backwards and forwards literally every minute. Maybe writing it down will help?

I’m 8 weeks pregnant and already have 4 DC, aged 11, 9, 9 and 1. The older ones are 50/50 with exdh.

After having the baby I was really keen to have another. I wanted someone for the baby to have closer in age and dh to have another of his own. However, in the last couple of months it was like a switch had gone off and I was happy with the 4 that I had. Not sure whether it was hormones or what.

When I found out I was pregnant I was horrified and immediately booked in at BPAS. But that was three weeks ago and have had the pills a week now just sitting there.

I don’t know what to do. Dp is supportive either way. He says that if he had a gun to his head he would terminate as it’s not financially sensible nor fair on the others. But then he also says that if we had it we wouldn’t regret it and everything would be okay eventually just with a lot of compromises.

Cons:

1. Not fair on the children I already have, I don’t want them to miss out on my attention
2. Money - double childcare fees for almost a year
3. We were planning on moving house to be nearer the children’s schools and exdh to make their lives easier. However this is a more expensive town so it would mean a smaller house and a bigger mortgage - not feasible with another baby
4. I hate being pregnant. I get hyperemisis and I feel like I won’t be fully present for my children over the next few months
5. We are due to get married and have a family holiday 3 weeks after the due date. I can push the holiday back by a month but do I want to do it with a newborn? And my (very small) wedding will be with me fat and bf-ing. Not too worried about the wedding but it seems to be taking the shine off of it
6. I love my one on one time I get with my 1 year old, I had the other 3 really close together and it’s just such a different experience now

Pros:

1. I feel so protective of this baby already. I had a previous termination in the past (during an abusive relationship) which though was the right thing to do at the time screwed me up for a long time. I know these are different circumstances but I already feel so guilty
2. I have no doubt that I can manage, I’m capable and organised and we both work FT
3. It might be nicer for the 1 year old to have a sibling closer in age to grow up with
4. Half the time my house is busy and loud, the other half it’s just the 3 of us rattling around. I think it would be an easier decision to terminate if I had all 4 here all the time

In my heart of hearts I think termination is the answer but I’m terrified of regretting it and having that guilt forever.

Any advice? Please x

Your no’s don’t sound as convincing as your Yes’s

I have no doubt you can manage after raising twins.

Hello Namechange, I am sorry that you are faced with this difficult decision. You are coming from the experience of both having had children, and having had an abortion, so you know full well what both entails, which is not something most people have. You already know that abortion is difficult and "screwed you up" for a long time. Everyone has to decide what their beliefs are, and then how far over the line they're willing to go. Since you have a 1 year old right now, adding another child would probably not cost too much (aside from childcare) if you still have the baby clothes and supplies you'd need. Since the twins are a bit older, having a little one for the toddler to grow up with might indeed be very nice. Lots of families end up having an "oops" baby that was not in the plans, but rounds out their family nicely and is much loved by everyone. It's nice your husband is willing to let you decide, so many don't understand what a deep and emotional choice it is, deciding whether to let a life continue or have to cut it short. Whatever you choose, I hope you can do so with confidence that it will bring the most peace and happiness to your life. All my best to you, and congrats on your upcoming marriage. 🌷

Hi, I’m just wondering what you ended up doing? I’m in a very similar situation, thanks x

We went ahead! He’s now 7 weeks old! I spent my entire pregnancy being worried about what other people think (stupid I know) but now he’s here he’s just slotted in and DC all adore him.

I still hated being pregnant but it ended up being the easiest pregnancy and labour comparatively.

We did move house, youngest ones will have to share a room for a few years but it’s worth it in terms of location and benefit to the whole family.

We got married and went on holiday with a 3 week old. Both were exhausting but nice and as chilled out as possible.

Money is okay-ish, I’m trying to save whilst on ML to help towards increase in childcare costs and have cut back where possible.

I’m so pleased I didn’t go ahead with a termination, however I no longer regret my previous one although it makes me sad - it wasn’t the right circumstances.

Baby is lovely and I love my crazy busy big family.

I hope you find peace with your decision. I spent hours googling and mumsnetting as I had no one to confide in - PM me if I can be of any further help x

Thanks for the update, Namechange, I'm so glad to hear that you trusted your heart and that your whole family is in love with the new baby. 😊