Pregnant but already have teens! Huge age gap!

[UUS38]

I’m 38 and have two teens with my husband (17 and nearly 15).

I had my coil removed as it was causing me long periods and and DH said he would get the snip as our children are older and we thought we were done with having any more children. We knew there was a potentially risky window in between and although we had been taking precautions it wasn’t every time. My medical history made us feel I was less likely to fall pregnant but here we are!

I have always said I wouldn’t get a termination (I am pro choice generally but personally it’s not something I’ve ever felt I could do). Now I have a dilemma as I need to decide what to do about this pregnancy.

We are tight for space and moving isn’t really an option for us at the moment. I worry about the impact on my two older children if we went ahead and how it would affect them in their exam years etc. There is also the factor of a complete change to our plans we had now the children are older and hopefully going off to uni etc. We had plans to travel and do things that we didn’t get to do in our 20s as we were raising little ones. Everything in my head says it’s the logical solution, the path that keeps everything the same and has the least impact on my family.

The issue is that I cannot bare the thought of going through with it. I cry every time I think about it (although my hormones are all over the place I’m sure!) I also feel like I’m going against my core beliefs and what I always said was right for me personally. I know this can change but I still feel devastated by the thought and I’m sure I would need some support afterwards in the form of counselling.

DH is being as supportive as he feels he can be. He says he can’t see how it would practically work if we had the baby but has also said he will support me whatever I chose. I worry he will end up resenting the decision later in down the line though. He has also said he is worried about my mental health in terms of this issue (I don’t usually suffer with my mental health) and he is worried if I go through with it it will still have an impact on everyone as I will be a mess.

I worry what the future holds if we go ahead and how life will look. We already struggle for space in the house. Finances would be impacted and we potentially have 2 lots of uni fees etc coming up in the next few years.

Has anyone had a similar situation? What did you do and how did it turn out? Willing to what from anyone who thought they would suffer emotionally after having a termination but went through with it and coped OK. Thanks for reading my long post!

really sorry you are in this position. i think it would be worth accessing some counselling to discuss your feelings. it will be a hard decision either way but its exploring with someone independent to explore which idea sits best. it also depends on your personality to- many people walk out of terminations and get on with their life, for other its a profound grief so it depends f you are someone who accepts their decisions or always queston/regret your choices, Message if you need to- i was i a similar position earlier this year and really wish i had reached out to someone rather than just get caught up with my feelings

Thank you Saskia2023 for your reply. I have plans to reach out to Abortion Talk when they have their support line open on Monday evening and I spoke with the Samaritans today. Felt lighter for talking but not really any closer to a decision. I hope that speaking with a more specialist support will help on Monday

Hello UUS, I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this shocking situation. So many times, life does not go as we planned. Sometimes the unexpected turns out to be better than what we planned. It's hard to know because we can't see into the future. I understand being pro-choice but feeling like it's not a choice you could personally make. I would feel the same way. When you have children, it's hard not to see another pregnancy as one of your own, even when they're tiny. There is a woman at my church who decided to let her unplanned baby be adopted, as she wasn't able to care for another, and didn't want to abort either. I remember how supportive everyone was and how it was hard for her but she is doing well now. My husband has two adopted sisters and we all love them so much. Again, not an easy choice, but a possible choice. You could leave it in the hands of the universe and see if you miscarry or if the pregnancy continues. Then you'd have more time to decide and think about the big picture. I hope you are able to find clarity and your best path forward through this. Feelings change from day to day and week to week, so I hope you can decide based on your beliefs, priorities, and heart's desire. I'll be thinking of you.

Thanks SnowySpa for your message. Unfortunately I don’t think adoption is for me, despite it being an absolutely wonderful and selfless option. If I choose to continue with the pregnancy, I intend on raising the child myself. It would be incredibly difficult to explain to my family the choice of adoption and I know they would try to be supportive but wouldn’t understand. I would also struggle with that more than abortion I think.

As I said a wonderful option but not one for me.

I understand dear, there are no easy outcomes to this situation. I hope you can come to a way forward that you can feel good about. These are the times that really challenge our heart, mind, and soul.

Hi @UUS38
May I ask how I'd you decide? I found myself in similar situation and your story would help me a lot.

I wish I could have a straight and simple answer for you but unfortunately I am still in the predicament. I went nearly
2 weeks ago for the appointment but cried the whole way there and in the carpark and told my husband I wasn’t sure I could do it and when I eventually agreed to go in and talk to the nurse we had missed our appointment. I am booked in again for this weekend and I am still stuck as I’m just not sure I can bring myself to do it.

i think the fact you have seeds of doubts means you don't want to terminate. Im not saying having a baby will be easy but as someone who had a termination earlier of the year an really struggled, I wish I had listened to the seeds of doubt. Many women are fine with the decision but i was told if you heart and head aren't both alligned don't do it. we don't talk enough about the grief termination can bring an its sold as a the 'easy' option.Can your provider give you some more counselling as they really should be offering you something if you are not sure

Unfortunately I missed the last session I had booked as something came up at work I couldn’t avoid and then I’ve not called for another as I don’t feel as though it is really massively helping as my feelings haven’t changed.

I guess I could take that as a sign that it is the wrong decision for me but at the same time I don’t want to discard everyone else in my family and what it would mean for them.

I agree that decisions are difficult when your heart and your head aren’t aligned but I guess it is about trying to figure out which one to follow. I’m usually a heart follower but I have others to consider and the impact on my existing children and that’s what’s stopping me saying stuff it I’m keeping the baby. I want what’s best for them and to give them every opportunity I can and if I go ahead with this pregnancy then I am
most likely jepodising that.

@UUS38 hello, did you go ahead in the end?

Hi @Chillyflo, I decided on a termination in the end. It was incredibly difficult to come to that decision and it ended up being a later termination than I would have chosen but it took me that long to get my head around things and decide. It felt like an impossible decision and although it’s still difficult to think about sometimes, I know I made the right decision for my family.

I had some counselling afterwards to help me but found that although I was sad about the decision I didn’t regret it. It was the right decision, just a very difficult one.

Since then I have been trying to work towards all the things I felt I would be sacrificing if I went ahead and I’ve been busy supporting my teenagers with exams and uni visits/applications. I have also had a promotion at work and I have tried to do more of the things we said we would like travel etc.

@UUS38 thank you for replying. It must have been a lot to go through all of that but I am pleased that you are able to concentrate on your older children 🙂