Feeling completely lost and helpless at 17 weeks

[hanna2000]

I am currently 17 weeks with an unplanned pregnancy and in the last ten days felt nothing but anxiety and despair to the point I have been considering a termination. When I first found out I was pregnant, I felt so happy and sure about the baby. My partner is super supportive and in favour as well. He is based predominantly in Italy however sometimes has to travel for work. We both agreed that i would relocate as this would be the easiest way to be closer to him although would involve me being alone 2-3 times a weeks. Since then, I have suddenly started to totally freak out and loose control of my emotions. I have started to obsessively panic over the idea of being in another country with no support other than my partner and how I will cope on the nights that he is not home. I have always dreamed of being a mother however the newborn stage terrifies me. I am so scared that I will not cope with all these changes and this will impact the care I can give to my baby. I have got to the point that I’m so worried about my own mental heath that the idea of having a termination seems in the best interest of everyone. I feel extremely guilty of having these thoughts especially at 17 weeks. I know that I am extremely lucky to have this opportunity but the anxiety of not coping is eating me alive. Last week I paid for a private surgical abortion however could not bring myself to go through with taking the first pill. I can’t seem to push past this fear of everything going wrong and not being able to get better in time for my baby if I do decide to continue with the pregnancy. I keep having the same intrusive thoughts that I will fall into a deep depression once baby is here which could harm everyone. The situation is eating me alive and I don’t know how I can find a way to overcome this or make the best decision possible.

Please do not have a termination- what you are feeling is normal albeit a more extreme version. people even with planned pregnancies can also have prenatal anexity/depression. whilst we are all warned about post natal depression no one really warns you about pre-natal anexity. its somewhat a normal, if overwhelming reaction to the situation- everything in your life is changing from having a baby to moving- lots of life transitions and i am sure you are feeling scared and aprehensive. the second trimester is hard- its like you realise it is actually happening and youve got all these life changes but its several months of knowing youve got to cope with the uncertainty. one the baby is here you will get on with it - the not knowing before is the hardest point. people say once the baby is here whilst it can be hard its noting compared to the worry whilst pregnant. its also feels the termination is the easy way out in terms of making it go away but believe me as someone who had a termination because of pre-natal anexity it didn't make things go away, it made it a billion times worse! what i would do if you are still in the uk is to tell your midwife how you are feeling. they can get you referred to the perinatal mh team to get you some support. have a search on mumsnet and there are many people feeling how you are. keep reaching out and getting support as its such a challenging time emotionally and everyone just presumes you are excited! whereas actually the feelings when pregnant are so much more complex x

Please take a deep breath and count to 10 slowly. You sound very panicked and it could be anxiety talking. Can you try speaking to a doctor? Pregnancy hormones make you feel all sorts of things. I had an abortion at 8 weeks which I immensely regret then got pregnant 3 months later and now have a baby. I'd do anything to not terminate baby as all my fears were irrational.

Could your partner move to you? Or you stay where u are? Would you have family support?

If you choose to have a termination get proper support and counselling first. I know I wish I had. Which country are you guys from?

I'm so sorry Hanna. I was very anxious about becoming a mum too. But nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. It's still a lot to learn but all the worries pale in comparison to how much you want to protect and care for your little one. There are some medications available for anxiety and other issues that are safe to take during pregnancy, you might want to talk to a doctor about trying some to get you through these tough times. Good luck dear.