Want another baby just not right now

[Redvelo21]

we have a 2 year old
we did talk about another but when our daughter is 4
we are 40.

im thinking of aborting because the timing isn’t right.
I got a promotion 6 months ago and a big project is due to start that I’m the ‘expert’ on.
we are still recovering financially from the first Mat leave.

I also don’t feel ready for my relationship with my daughter to change.

if I abort to then try again in a year does this make me shitty?

i will be almost 41 at that point and I know it’s not a guarantee we will get pregnant again but we have talked about it and if we ended up with just our daughter we would still be happy.

the only reason I’m undecided is that we had a miscarriage a year before my daughter was conceived and I still even now think about what that baby could have been like.
I have a really bad feeling that I will regret abortion especially if we do then struggle to have another.

i feel so conflicted.

First of all its goof you reached out as I didnt when deciding my termination and i wish i had. All i would say is there is never a perfect time to have a baby so whilst now may not be good its not awful. workplaces manage all the time with their experts going off on mat leave (or off sick etc eg i you got sick in 6 months time thats something you cannot plan'. this is just my experience and not one everyone has this so I am not saying this will happen to you but I wanted to be honest. i had a termination earlier this year for some (not all similar reasons). it completely floored me mentally- so things like not wanting to let work down, but after i had the termination my work felt futile compared to having another child, finances- i realised we could have managed (and am having to pay for a load of private therapy to process the grief of the termination which would have been cheaper to go on mat leave) i also realised we could have made the finances work as people in much tighter situations do. i am now pregnant again and know have been so lucky to get pregnant again (also aged 40) but its horrible emotionally- i keep worrying that f something goes wrong with this baby or it has problems or its something goes wrong would the other one have been ok. What really struck me in your post is that you may want a second child at some stage and you do think about the previous miscarried one. the thing with a termination is that because most people are so prochoice (rightly so and so am i) we are not perhaps prepared for the mental fall out from it. i stupidly thought i would just come out and get back on with life.) but if you are someone who tends to regret or overthink decisions it can be difficult emotionally. if you go on to have another, it doesn't just replace the one you have lost, it will always be part of your story as such. it just can take a lot of mental strength to get over a termination so things like being ok with just your daughter, its having to remind yourself if say you see her playing with a baby thats not our story. So i was bought to tears a couple of months after my termination when i saw my son playing with a baby thinking that could have been us. My reaction was extreme. it does depend on your personality if you are someone who generally accepts your choices or are you someone who questions/regrets things. but there's a few of us on here who have had terminations for similar reasons and gone on to have more kids and so if you are thinking in time of trying again, it is 'easier' to keep this pregnancy. i a billion times wish i had kept the first pregnancy as all the reasons i had for terminating, are nothing compared to the complexities of being pregnant this time with the termination hanging over me, Whatever you do it is worth having some counselling before just to process and to ensure you are making the decision that matches you head and heart as that is something i regret- i rushed into it without talking to anyone but my husband and i wish i had spoken to a counsellor to process it beforehand because then even if i had made the same decision i would have felt more confident in why i had made that choice. as a counsellor said to me after- its a hard decision either way- having a baby is hard, having a termination can be hard but its which one you can cope best with. feel free to message any time as it is a difficult decision.

Thank you for the reply I’m sorry that it caused you so much distress.
I am an over thinker and do regret.
im going to sit with the decision a bit longer

thats good you give yourself time- i rushed into mine as just wanted to get it over with. i realise my post was very negative- many have terminations and are fine but if you are an overthink/someone with regret i think it makes it more complex. i actually to the service at the time that i tend to really regret ny decision but kind of shut off from what they would mean in reality. please dont cotinue with the pregnancy if its not right but i dont think we are always warned of the possible mental health and knowing it can take time to process the grief. wishing you all the best whatever you decide xx

Hi Redvelo, I think Saskia gave excellent advice. Whenever life does not go as we planned, it's always hard to go down that path. But sometimes the best things in life are not how we planned them. Having two children closer in age can be a good thing, as they will likely be good playmates for one another. You will be able to use most of the same clothes and baby equipment and then not have to hang on to it any longer. You will have less chance of fetal irregularity the younger you are, and your child will have you around for that much more of their life. The love we have for our first child is always incredible, but a mother's love can extend to all her babies without diminishing that first relationship. It sounds to me like this is a wanted child so like Saskia said, take your time and I hope you can find a way forward that you genuinely feel good about.

I got the ball rolling with MSI and have an appointment next week to see a midwife and nurse and get the pill I imagine.

im still flip flopping daily but hope once I get the pill I will know for sure what my decision is.

I don’t feel pregnant at the moment and I’m trying to not think of it has a baby to make the process easier.

Sure thing. Just remember that things get much more difficult after 40 and if you do want another, this is your best chance. I don't want you to regret that later on and wish you could turn back the clock. All my best to you and your family.

Hi Redvelo

I aborted due to anxiety. I regretted it very much and immediately started to try again. I am late 30s and no second chance has come my way yet.

I haven’t read previous posts because of length, but I would seriously think about aborting due to timing at 40 years old. Getting pregnant over 35 can be no flipping joke. While being pregnant sooner than you planned and having a smaller age gap is stressful, secondary infertility is also immensely stressful.

Children grow lots between 2 and 3. Having a 3 year age gap might be much better than you imagine. Could you chat with any friends with a gap of this size to get an idea of the pros and cons?

The decision might be out of my hands.
ive Had some pink discharge today.
my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 8 weeks.
I then conceived my daughter a year later.

when I saw the blood today I did feel a bit sad but then I also felt some relief that I won’t have to take the medication.

I have an appointment with the midwife and nurse on Wednesday- will they scan to see if the pregnancy has failed?

Good luck with your appointment today, I'm sure your feelings about the possible miscarriage are really complicated. Take good care of yourself and I hope they are able to confirm so you know where you stand.

I cancelled the appointment after advising them of the miscarriage.
said I would go to epu if bleeding suddenly stopped or still had a positive test in a couple of weeks.
I am still bleeding but sure I’ve passed the sac now, will take a test next week to see if negative

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