Abortion regret/9 week foetus Help *MNHQ ADDING CONTENT WARNING VERY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION*

[Turnbacktimegrief12]

Hi,

Firstly I don't know why I am writing this, or what I want to achieve fully, hopefully I will figure that out as I write this. Maybe just to air my feelings, as I don't feel like I can tell anyone how I truelly feel, what I have seen and how I feeling.

My story is, I'm 36 yrs old, I have 2 children 18 and 14 yrs old, I found out a couple of weeks ago that I was pregnant to my hubby, farther of my children. Were going through some things atm, with work and a new child was just not what we wanted, as well as the huge age difference in our children, and realising I would be 54 and he would 57 when this child would turn 18. And we had been looking forward to doing couple stuff, like holidays as we had our 2 children so young.

So with that, I booked an app at the clinic, which over a week later was next availability, I was scanned at 7weeks and 3 days, I thought they gave me the tablets there and them, however they gave me the tablets to take home, as to my relief as I had training with work that could not be missed and my manager was very angry with me a week prior as I broke down on motorway and couldn't attend training the week before. So I was very happy I wouldn't be going through an abortion on training.

So, after finding a gap to have a 48hour window where I could take them and not be in work or miss training. I'm now 9 weeks and it's a Sun at 12 midnight. I took them at this time so my kids wouldn't hear anything or see what was going on. So I took 1st tablet Sun midnight.

Also, sidenote, throughout this pregnancy I have been completely drained, dizzy, constantly feeling like I would be sick, always feeling hungry but nausea just looking at food, it's been horrific.

So, the 1st tablet took a while to finally swollow as I feel guilty but eventually took it. 24 hours later, Mon midnight I do the 4 tablets in your gs for 30 mins. My hubby had fell asleep earlier and I decided to leave him sleep until anything happened.

Anyway, the tablets hadn't fully dissolved after 30 minutes so I swollow them (just before swolling them I take 2 codeine)

Boom, things started to get crazy pretty much from me swallowing them. I literally swollen them, walked downstairs and got a drink, by the time I got downstairs I felt immense feeling of need to go to the toilet for Diarrhoea, so I go back upstairs and use the toilet, as I'm sat having Diarrhoea, I then get a huge edge I will be sick. Therefore I then stand up and start being sick in the toilet, which is not a great sight, I then notice I had slightly started bleeding. This is all taking place in 15 mins after swelling the 4 tablets, I'm baffled as it started as soon I gulped it.

Thinking, could it really be that fast acting from the 4 tablets, as this point I feel mild to moderate period like pains.

My hubby had woke up at all the commotion in the bathroom, got me a bucket next to the bed and glass of water. So after the toilet palaver, I get into bed, where the pain in my stomach becomes unbearable and I wonder whether the codeine will even be in my system after being sick instantly, but dare'nt take more just in case.

So I'm in my bed, flapping around, moaning in pain, I literally felt and looked as though something out the exorcism, my body shivering and I'm twitching everywhere. After an hour or so I fall asleep.

After what I think is 50 mins sleep, I wake up in even more severe pain (genuinely didn't feel like it could get worse) it was excruciating, I would put it up there with actual contractions when I had my 2 children. The pain is rippling my whole body, I'm hanging of the bed, I try to stand up so I can bend over, my body can't because the pain and the exhaustion. I'm screaming to my hubby I can't do it any more, this goes on for 2 ish hours, I can't breath, I'm super hot and I take 2 more codeine, I genuinely was so exhausted and in severe pain that I actually hoped I would pass out in the pain or faint as I felt I would and begged my body too, just to put me out the pain. Eventually I have the urge to go to the toilet as I can feel more blood. This takes me a long time, shaking and holding on to the walls and anything I could grip my hands onto with my life.

As I get to the toilet, pull my knickers down and then sit down, I notice the foetus had dropped out and landed on the floor in front of the toilet between my feet.

I cry, cry and cry. This is not at all what I expected, this was a baby, yes only 3 or 4 inches long, but fingers, toes, eyes, nose, ribs and a mouth, with see through jelly like skin. My heart breaks, what have I done?

My husband can tell what I have seen by hearing my reaction in the bathroom, I beg him to come, wanting him to see, and help me to decide what to do, how to pick it up and how to dispose of it.

Husband refuses to come. Eventually I wrap it up in tissue, crying my heart out. They is no way I can flush this very small baby, child of mine. I thought that this would happen and it would be blood clots in the toilet. This hit me hard.

I go into the bedroom, tell my husband, he says he cant/won't look at it and I'm being weird and need to flush it, I explain if he would see it, they would be no way he could flush it down the sewers.

I understand we all deal with it differently and I can tell he's heartbroken too, I wrap it up in tissue and but it in a small box.

But today, Tuesday I'm at a total loss what to do with it, I can't flush it, I don't know whether I want to bury it, this isn't my house we rent it and what about when we move, plus we literally have so many squirrel that dig up the garden every day.

Today being Tuesday, all I can do is cry, I keep making it worse by reading up about babies at 9 weeks old and what they can do, it says they have finger prints and can sick there thumb. I really regret my abortion, I'm gutted, I keep placing my hand over my stomach, crying, feeling empty inside, or putting my hand on the little box and crying my eyes out, telling it how sorry I am.

Everything I read said I would bleed clots into the toilet, I might see a sac, but unfortunately it came out all in one peice on the floor, with all its eyes, nose and toes and fingers, I could even see hair strand like ribs through the see through skin.

My body and myself feel so much better physically, I don't feel sick, drained or nauseous at everything and it's Tuesday, I passed my foetus hours ago, I feel great in that sense, I feel very mild, extremely mild, almost not there pain in my stomach and still have quite abit of bleeding. But the grief is unbearable, I wish I could turn the clocks back to Sunday and change every decision made, I am so sorry.

I do think these abortion clinics, should show people and explain to us what the abortion will be like, and what the foetus could look like, had I of known that a 3/4 inch baby like with see through skin and fingers and it's little skinny legs crossed, I would never of killed my baby.

I can't help but feel like a murderer and hate myself, I can't believe abortions are legal wayyyyu past 9 weeks, and that it can't be classed as murder. I feel awful, and I really don't think the clinics prepare you, not even for the pain, I thought it would be a bad period, but no, I felt like I needed a hospital and I also felt like I was going to collapse. I also read and was told my pregnancy would pass most likely in the toilet or in my sanitary towel as blood clots.

I do not know how to put my foetus to a resting place that it deserves and will help me, I'm scared of keeping it too close so that I have the reminder of killing my baby forever, I'm scared of flushing it as that would haunt me forever, please give me ideas.

My husband says it's making g him feel weird still being in the house and I'm acting weird about it all, but I can't help it, I told him if he had seen it and had to pick it up then he would understand my trauma and wouldn't find it so easy, he's not being horrible even though it's not nice to hear, I think he's just dealing with it in his own way. Throughout finding out we were pregnant he always said he would support me what ever I decide and it's my body and my decision.

Anyone else gone through this, as I've google if any one else has gone through this with a 9 week or any week foetus when having an abortion and I can't find anything and I really need to read some similar stories and see how people should deal with this, how they did deal with it.

If nothing, than at least I've spent a good hour writing this and getting it off my chest.

I'm very sorry if this is long winded, but the last 48 hours has been a huge emotional roller coaster of grief and severe pain and I feel guilty, empty and confused.

Thanks

I'm so sorry for your loss 💕 perhaps go to a beautiful wooded spot and give it a little burial? May give you closure?

I'm very sorry OP this is such a traumatic event for you and due to the graphic nature you might benefit from counselling.

I can't even begin to imagine having to make such a decision both my parents were Catholic so I was brought up to belive abortion is wrong, I've still got my views on abortion but it's a woman who has to give birth and carry a child so it's her body and should be her choice

Don't see yourself as a murderer, you did what was right for you but I think you would benefit from seeking some professional help especially with what you have witnessed.

Thankyou, this is my 1st post and didn't realise it would show up on a feed and get reply, thought it would show to people who searched the title, so I'm sorry for the read xx

Thankyou, if it was a few years ago I would not of even thought about abortion, however I really do worry about the world to bring up a child, a few weeks a go, my sons football friend got killed, and read stories like this all the time, the age I would be when it hits its teens would worry me as life is not certain and it gives me so much panic to leave a child so young on the planet, I worry so much about the 2 I have now, that the thought of doing it all over again not as young breaks my heart for the baby, but the experience as hurt me more. I feel like I was made to believe it wouldn't even look like a small human, just cells that are not anything yet, would pass as a clot and the experience was completely different and I am so heartbroken at the decision I i went with x

I’m sorry for your loss. It isn’t murder, the embryo could not survive at all. 4-5 inches is very large for 9 weeks, they’re usually only developed to about 1.5 inches.

Your graphic description probably needs a trigger warning. To some this might read like an anti-abortion post.

I'm sorry you chose to make this decision but everyone to there own. All I know is I've been that woman who has miscarried a 10 week baby and similar a beautiful whole little tiny baby who was very much wanted but clearly my body thought otherwise. I never expected to see what I did at such a early pregnancy and it broke my heart and I still often think of that baby missing out on its brothers and sisters. Be careful your not taking to much codeine I hope you start to feel better in a few days get plenty of rest

Hi, I'm really sorry this is my 1st post and I thought it would only show up for people who search the title, going through the same thing, I may delete as it is quite much for anyone to read who isn't searching the topic, I don't know how to put a trigger warning on. Maybe my measurements are wrong, but the description is correct. Apologies x

Pop the foetus into a box , and go bury it somewhere . Woodland or
Somewhere you can visit when you want , dig deep so animals can't excavate the site . Say a blessing or a prayer if it helps .

I had a tfmr and the nhs paid for a funeral at a crematorium. Her ashes were scattered in the baby garden .

There aren't many options and in your shoes I'd bury . It seems you left it longer than you realised .

I'm sorry aswell, I wish I didn't and hate myself for it. I'm so sorry for your loss, I can only imagine what you went through as I feel extremely devastated myself. I was not expecting to see it either, I didn't realise how well it would be formed from so early on. Thankyou xx

I think that's what I'm going to do, or take it to a pond. My last period was the 1st of September so I don't think I'm more than 9 weeks, I think maybe my measurements are off, it just felt more like a person than blood passing like I expected. I'm so sorry for your tfmr, I can only imagine what you went through as its heartbreaking for myself and my decision that I will forever regret x

Sorry, OP. Like the other poster, I also had to have a TFMR (termination for medical reasons) at 14 weeks in a hospital using the same method, and just the physical experience is really horrible (I ended up off my face on morphine) and you see things you can't unsee.

I agree with you there should be more education. I'm 100% pro choice but it's not a decision anyone should take lightly. I also think most people don't realise that nowadays, especially post- covid, if they have an abortion, it will be using the pill at home and they will have to deal with all this, because films and TV always present abortion as a quick and easy inpatient procedure. I'm actually in charge of sex ed at the school I work at and we talk to the kids about what the different methods of abortion involve- not to put them off but because I've heard so many say things like "you don't have to worry about contraception because you can just get an abortion if you need to" without any thought as to what that might involve.

Find a wood and bury your baby. You've done nothing wrong- despite what it might look like, it was many many months away from being a person, so the only person you've hurt is yourself- and I hope you can start the process of forgiving yourself and moving on.

I'm so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself.
You made the choice you felt was right at the time with the information you were given, that's all you could do. You are in the early days of processing this experience and you are grieving your very real loss.
Hold the box with your little one close, tell them all the things you need to and then when you're ready bury your little soul somewhere you're comfortable with and mark their grave with flowers, pebbles or whatever feels appropriate.
In the meantime it might help you to contact Rachel's Vineyard who are an incredible support when you are struggling coming to terms with abortion.

www.rachelsvineyard.org.uk/#

Take care of yourself OP, I wish you so much love and will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Thankyou, however like I keep telling my husband, if you seen what I saw, even though it was small, it had everything, I could see its arms and legs, it's legs were crossed and the shock of what I saw will haunt me forever. After seeing my little foetus, I really don't believe abortions should be handed out so easily without better education, I was lead to believe it would be a blood clot pretty much, nothing more than a jelly like passing. If I would of known how developed it would be, I wouldn't of made the decision. I can't sleep with my grief, and now I have come to learn, it would of had all its organs and a heartbeat, it had fingerprints even though they would not be visible to me, all its fingers were, it could suck its thumb. It has changed my whole views on abortion completely, even though I'm 36 I was naive until I saw what I can only describe as a skinny plum sized baby. I definitely saw a tiny human, and now all I can think is its a human I killed who was my baby, who I should of protected. If I was this naive at 36, I can only imagine how naive school children will be, although teen pregnancies are not ideal, I genuinely think better education about what us women are doing is needed. The abortion centre made me believe, your super early, they not much to see, trying to comfort me into believing this was unformed gathering of cells and it didn't matter, but unfortunately for my grief, the foetus passed full and no parts dismembered or clot like and all I saw was a very small human, I genuinely believe if I checked I could of been able to tell the sex, but I just didn't feel right to look or move it around, just carefully wrapping it in tissue and placing it in a box. Thankyou for supporting me, but just wanted you to know my experience of the whole situation, so when talking about 9 week abortions it's not as easy as the clinic makes out, not one part, the pain is pretty much like labour however it's easy to pass the foetus at that size. Thankyou, I think I will take it tomorrow, and hopefully then I can come to terms with my decision and slowly move on, even if it feel impossibleright now. X

Thankyou I needed this, I wasn't sure if I was being weird by not just flushing it, I've stood over the toilet twice but can't bring myself to it, I wasn't sure if I was being weird/strange by holding on and wanting to do something more special and better for it, thankyou 💜

Go easy on yourself, you made the decision you thought was right. Don’t forget your hormones will still be all over the place

Be kind to yourself OP.
This sounds similar to what my friend went through. She found it extremely traumatic. However it was definitely the right decision and her life would have been very different if she had not done it. Shes got through to the otherwise now altho I know she still thinks about her baby. But she was fleeing an abusive situation at the time and already had one young child. His life is better and more stable because of her choice. It doesnt stop it being a traumatic experience though.
You made the choice you did and you were happy with that at the time and you will be again in the future. Of course its sad to see the fetus like that. Its traumatic and its a shock and it will take some time to recover from. But try not to be so hard on yourself. We all do the best we can. You made a reasonable decision based on your quality of life and that of your children. I really feel for you. Im sorry your experience has been so hard. I know this was a decision you made but its still a kind of loss for you, its ok to feel that way, ots ok to grieve. Please be kind to yourself.

I think the misunderstanding of what you would see / how the pregnancy would pass may be due to the time difference between having the scan & taking the pills & when you actually took them.
You said you were scanned at 7 weeks 3 days but didn’t take the pills until you were 9 weeks, 2 weeks is a long time during early development of a pregnancy

I had a termination at 6.5 weeks which I passed at home and it was indeed a series of jelly like clots, so I don’t think you were misinformed as to what to expect when they gave you the pills as they likely expected you to take them that evening.
Im sorry your work weren’t supportive, as this could have saved you a lot of trauma & heartache.

I agree with PP, bury the foetus in a nice wooded area where you can visit should you want to.

You need to try and forgive yourself, 9 weeks is still very early on in a pregnancy and it sounds like it was a hard decision to make but one which you made for the right reasons.

You are still allowed to grieve your loss but do try and remind yourself why it was the right thing to do for you so you can move on and not hold on to your guilt for the sake of your other children ❤️

@Muchamucha I totally agree with this, they probably thought OP would take it that day. Medical abortions with the pills at home are actually only legal up to 10 weeks, partly I think to prevent situations like this but mostly because it becomes unsafe due to risk of things like retaining the placenta because things are developing quickly at this stage. The vast majority of abortions in the UK take place before this point. Not that it would make OP feel any better about what happened, but might explain a little bit why it happened in the way it did.

Hi, I was told I had upto 9 weeks 6 days to take them at home and was given the impression that not not much would be different upto that stage as its very early on. I personally wanted to take them the same day and not wait a day longer, but with fear of loosing my job and kids being around, I didn't. It was super difficult as I didn't want to make these choices but I read the instructions and listened to the advice and was told upto 9weeks 6 days. When they told me that, I gasped a sigh of relief, explaining I had training with work that I couldn't miss the next day and was super worried how I was going to deal with an abortion aswell as work. But I had no other opportunity apart from play it from there. They were completely reassuring, explaining that would of been awful for me andbi couldn't of done it, I said I would of had to at least try as fear of me losing my job was too big. They told me I had upto 9weeks 6 days and told me that it was considered very early up until then. So at 9 weeks exactly, I had a few days off work, kids were back in school, so I could deal with everything and go through the pain without any extra obstacles. I have also stupidly been looking at foetus online after miscarriage, and they look pretty similar between weeks 7-10, just wish I would of known that before going through it all. After researching it, I think anything after 5 weeks would of been difficult, as it seems that 5 weeks and before it is just cells. Which when you look it up, ut says that by week 11 your baby is not an embryo and considered a foetus. So at 9 weeks my baby was classed as a embryo and nothing more, which is completely wrong, the pictures when you looks after week 6 do not look like an embryo, I would definitely say it looks like a foetus. I do think they need to change this, as all this misconception, calling it an embryo upto week 11 implies that it is cell like and not a miniature human, very small, but very human. I'm gutted and maybe wanting to shift blame, but I do think the facts and descriptions available by the professionals do not fit the evidence/my baby I have and I'm heartbroken x

@Turnbacktimegrief12 Please take this as it is intended, with love and compassion, but you need to stop looking online. You cannot change what has happened and beating yourself up won’t make you feel any better.
You will only be looking for things to make you feel worse because you are already angry and guilty with yourself and are looking to further punish yourself with horrible facts.
I think a lot of what you have said is correct and there should be more information as to what an abortion entails, they are horrific and I am in no way minimising that, but you didn’t know it would be so bad from the information you had and may have made a different choice if you did, but it cannot be changed now.
When I had my abortion I went to a local ‘pregnancy and abortion’ advice centre that offered a free counselling session, I would imagine these are not in every area but it is definitely worth you having a Google for your local area as it helped alleviate a lot of the guilt I had at finding myself in a position where I needed an abortion.
I really do hope you can find some peace soon ❤️

I was heartbroken reading this thread and now its been a year or so on since this, I was wondering how you are doing now? I do hope you are feeling much brighter sending you strength and love 💐

@Turnbacktimegrief12 how are you? I feel the same now