Partner want me to have a termination

[Lost34]

I recently found out I was pregnant, which was a complete shock as my partner of 17yrs and I tried for years to conceive my first (now 4) which we did eventually through Iui. we then had more treatment and conceived twins(now 2). we felt so lucky and both felt our family was complete, we would never try with treatment for any more children. But I never went back on any contraception as I always felt if I did conceive naturally it would be a miracle and I wouldn’t be unhappy about it, my partner knew this. My partner has mentioned a vasectomy multiple times in the last 2 years since having twins but has never actually gone through with it. He actively said he didn’t want any more but knew my stance, neither of us thought it would happen.

But now I am pregnant, he wants me to terminate saying financially, we aren’t in the position but ultimately he doesn’t want another child. I have tried to be supportive of his decision speaking to councillors, an unplanned pregnancy helpline and a termination clinical but everything in my body tells me I cannot terminate this pregnancy, despite knowing it will be difficult financially and that potentially it could lead to us separating as a couple. I don’t want to take away his choice in this but I feel like he’s not giving me a choice either.

has anyone had a termination they didn’t want and not regret it? Or continued with a pregnancy that separated their family? How did you come to your decision, I feel so lost and helpless his vision is so black and white but I’m in the grey area where he can’t seem to accept

Oh Lost, that's such a painful position to be in. After years of infertility, negative pregnancy tests, procedures, and longing, I'm sure you never thought you'd be in the situation you are now. I'm glad you were eventually able to have three children. I feel like your husband needs to look at this from your point of view. He may have mentioned vasectomy, but didn't get one and continued to have (I'm guessing) unprotected sex with you, who was clearly able to ovulate and have children. And now he expects you to abort the pregnancy you're carrying because he felt like you had enough children. After all you went through! Some people feel it's not a baby until a certain point, some feel it is, but that the parents' wishes are more important. Some feel it is a life they are not willing to end. He needs to understand that this would not be a simple medical procedure for you. Maybe he thinks with three young children that you would not want to have another baby? But it sounds like you already feel that this is your child, and that even if it is difficult and challenging, you would do that for your baby. He needs to realize that if you abort, things will not be the same between you, especially if you were not in agreement that it was the best way forward. I certainly hope he would not walk away from the family if you told him that you were not feeling like abortion is an option for you. Many women say it's not something they could see themselves doing. Maybe he needs to go to a counselor with you, so he can better understand where you're coming from. Don't back down, be honest and assertive, and I hope you can find a way through this that ends with a happy family.

Thank you snowy for your message.

You’ve pretty much summed up exactly how I feel. I felt exactly the same as with my other 2 pregnancies the minute I saw the test was positive and despite having some medical knowledge and knowing the heart beat doesn’t start beating that early, I already had 4 children at that moment.

I think I was hoping to find someone that felt the same as my partner to try and understand his reasoning But I havent come across anyone that hasn’t said ultimately it’s my decision, and if I have any doubt not to terminate.

I don’t think I ever had a decision to make, I’m just afraid of telling him my decision. He has been trying to make it seem like it’s me making a decision for me, because I always said I wanted 4 children and he only wanted 2. He says we’re are at the perfect compromise, and by keeping this one im forcing him to have a child he doesn’t want. But won’t see that if I terminate he’s forcing me to have a procedure I don’t feel is morally right for me. I definitely won’t look at him the same if I terminated, because I already feel some resentment that he hasn’t just said I don’t want anymore children but it’s your decision knowing what we’ve been through.

thank you again x

I'm so sorry Lost, this puts you in a really hard position. It sounds like you both made your wishes known but then left things up to chance. I don't know how old you are, but seventeen years with your partner makes me think you're in your mid to late thirties? How far along are you? Maybe you can explain to him that you feel abortion is ending a life, and that's not something you can do without a lot of guilt and heartache. Ultimately you are the one who has to live with the choice that is made. You could agree that he gets a vasectomy now, so that a surprise pregnancy never happens again, but that you intend to let this pregnancy continue and if it does not end in miscarriage you will love this child as you do your older three. If you are willing to do the extra cooking and laundry, it sounds like there would not be too many extra demands put on him, especially if he works outside the home. Chances are that if you have the baby, he would love him or her the same as your other children. If he were to leave you over this, he would still have to pay child support for all the children. If you still have the equipment (bouncy seat, toys, tub, etc) and clothes left over from your twins, it should not be that expensive, especially if you can breastfeed. I hope he can understand how you feel. There are many testimonials on the website Abortion Changes You from people who aborted and regretted it, maybe if you show him some he can understand how this can affect people, and how spouses can end up resenting each other and losing the good relationship and intimacy they had if someone is pushed into aborting. Hugs to you dear.