Help! Advice please

[lulila]

I am 33 yo, pregnant 8+5 weeks. We used contraception so this was totally unexpected. I was happy when I found out and my partner was and is still overjoyed.
After the initial shock and happiness, I’ve started to think how a baby would affect our life. The last four years I’ve been working and studying Engineering at university. I’m about to graduate in June and hoping to change career paths. Having a baby right now would make it impossible to start a graduate programme in September.
My partner has a high salary job, and he thinks the baby should go to nursery only if my job pays more than the price of nursery, otherwise I should be doing the childcare until the child goes to school. I understand his point, but nurseries in our area cost £1600 - £2000 full time (We live in London) and I don’t think entry level jobs will pay much more than that. Neither he or I are from the UK, so we won’t have any family help and our friends are very busy people that can’t help that much.
I want to have a child, but I feel I will be the one that has to sacrifice everything. I moved to this country a decade ago without being able to speak any English. I have worked in jobs I didn’t like because I had to pay the bills and the last years have been crazy, I’ve been working my ass off (excuse my language) working and studying to have a job that I enjoy and the career I always wanted. My partner tells me not to worry about it and he says I should be happy we’re having a baby.
I’ve been trying to be positive and to convince myself to do it for my partner but my anxiety tells me something it’s not right and I’m thinking about having an abortion, but I can’t even to mention it to my partner (he doesn’t believe in abortion and he’s so happy about becoming a parent) and either I can talk to my family because they won’t understand. I have a telephone appointment with MSI tomorrow to discuss the medical abortion. I will have to have it all by myself, and I’m worried about the bleeding and the pain.
I don’t know what to do, I feel terrible, irresponsible, and selfish. I guess I just need to tell someone how I feel and to hear other’s opinion.
Thank you if you make it here and apologise for the long post.

fristly its normal to have wobbles when pregnant- its a huge life change and you get that 'oh my god' moment- even people with very planned babies question that decision. its especially common when unplanned and about half of pregnancies are unplanned. so many people are out there having had kids not at the ideal point. in terms of your career- i appreciate nursery is expensive but its investment in terms of your earning power not just now but in the future. also from the age of 3 and potentially sooner they are bringing in more subsidised childcare so on your husband's logic you wont need to wait till they go to school. given the work you have put in to get where you are, you dont need to sacrifice your career, if you are someone who needs to mentally work its not just paying for nusery for childcare but for theirs and your development. it sounds like thats the sticking point not whether you want the baby. some gradate jobs will let you defer starting. the thing with having a termination is things just dont got back to where they where. its also about your personality- do you think you would just get on with it , feel now was not the right time for a baby and throw yourself into your career? or do yo think if you went ahead with your career having had the termination it would feel meaningless and you would be wishing you had kept the baby? there is no right or wrong to this- it just is a question to ask yourself in terms of knowing your personality type and how you may handle the decision. you can have a career and baby in nursery- its possible. and whatever point you have a baby women tend to take the mental and pratical load for the kids. so its thinking if we delay for a few years would the situation be the same with your partner? given you are feeling so conflicting it is probably worth asking MSI for a counselling session. they will help you balance all these different things. message if you need to its a difficult decision. its good you reached out- i stupidly didnt and allowed my negative feelings to build rather than being able to weigh up the pros and cons x

Hi Lulila, I'm sorry you have to make such a huge choice. Saskia had some very good advice in her post to you. You say you do want to be a mum, and at 33, you may not want to wait much longer, especially if you want more than one child. Nothing can prepare you for how much you will love your baby. There are some who experience post-partum depression, but for the most part it's a love like no other you've ever experienced. You should feel like you can be honest with your partner and see if there are any compromises that can be made. If he's the kind who is all about practicality, maybe he needs to understand your thinking and emotions so that your life won't be the only one that is affected by the new baby. There is never a "perfect time" to have a child, as parents we make it work. Hopefully you will be able to balance being a mum and having a career, especially after how hard you fought to get this far. Aborting without your partner's knowledge will be a difficult secret to hide. You can tell him you're sad about "miscarrying" but inside you will know that's not really the truth if you abort and he won't be able to help you. If you love each other you should be there to support each other through life's struggles. Be honest with him, now more than ever. Maybe together you can find a way through this.