Still struggling with abortion years later

[imsad1]

Please be gentle with me. When I was 18 I fell pregnant unexpectedly. My initial reaction was that I wanted an abortion. So I booked an appointment and went in at 6 weeks. I couldn’t go through with it in the end and remember leaving the clinic feeling relieved I didn’t do it.
A couple months passed and I told my parents, who were very unsupportive. I panicked about the reality of having a baby with no support from my parents, and although my boyfriend wanted me to keep it, he had no stable job or place for us to live. So at 16 weeks I had an abortion.

It’s been over 3 years now but I’m still not over it. And don’t see how I ever will be. I’m so angry at my parents for not supporting me. I will never forgive them or myself. Or the doctors who did it to me when they saw how distraught I was in that room. I remember feeling my baby move for the first time lying in bed the night before I had it done. I’ve had counselling but it’s not helped, I’ve thought about ending my life at times but I know can’t do that as I have a child now.

I feel like I lost my mind after my abortion, and the guilt made me convince myself I could never have another child. I remember telling my boyfriend I want to try again for another baby a couple months after it happened. He was on board and I fell pregnant a few months after. Typing this out I realise how messed up it is, that I basically had a baby because of my abortion. I love my son so much and he’s the light of my life but the pain of my abortion is still there as I know he can never replace the baby I lost.

I just wanted to make this post to see if anyone has been through something similar and can offer me and words of comfort. I think I can find the grace to forgive myself, as I was so young and didn’t even know about council support/ universal credit. I just thought me and my baby would not survive, if only my parents would’ve told me it would all be okay if I kept it I would have. I’ve also struggled with feeling resentment towards my sister, who supported my decision also. Me and her were so close growing up but I feel like I can’t forgive her for it also. Even though I know it’s unfair because she was only 20 when it happened.

Im am sorry you are going through this. there are a number of us who have been really affected emotionally by the experience. And yes you do feel angry- services are just set up let women have then and dont prewarn you how some women can be emotionally destroyed by the experience. I know many people aren't, but some people are and we matter. we are conditioned to think just about the practical and then only after the emotional side catches up with us. And because no one talks about the emotional side, you dont make an informed choice as presume you will come out of it feeling ok. Having a baby again afterwards is also common- i got pregnant with my husband 2 months after having the termination. And like you its such a complicated emotions- i wish so much i had processed what had happened first before then rushing into another pregnancy but at the time its the only thing that feels it will help right the pain. I know none of this helps but just wanted to say there are lots of us women on here with the same complicated emotions. All I would say is try to access some more couselling- i know it didnt help at the time but it is a trauma and a grief and sometimes it can take a few counselling phases to really process it as different emotions get you at different points in time. whilst it may always be part of you hopefully through a bit more support it can help reduce just how overwhelming and head space it takes up xxx ps i am so incensed by how many women have similar stories about the lack of emotional support from services when making decisions that I am looking at doing some work on this its not about stopping people making the choice but ensuring emotionally people are in a position to make a choice and cope with the fall out after x

@Saskia2023 thanks so much for your comment. It’s heart warming to know I’m not alone ❤️ I definitely will reach out for some support, it’s something I’ve kind of buried especially since I got pregnant so soon after and looking after a new baby was a big distraction. I hoped having a baby would fix what happened but I’ve come to terms with the fact that it can never be un done. It’s such a hard pill to swallow.
You’re right it does feel like a trauma. I feel so much guilt about what happened to my baby. It wasn’t just a couple of pills. I had the whole surgical procedure and I often think about what that felt like for them, and where they disposed of the body parts. People keep telling me you can’t change the past so it’s futile to keep thinking about it, and I know that but I feel like such an injustice was done to me and my poor baby. I know how blessed I am to be a mother now and I do take solace in the fact that maybe my son wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t go through with it. It makes me feel a lot better but my heart is still in pieces when I think about it. Sorry for the vent I just needed to share my thoughts with someone who understands. I’m here for you too and so glad we’re not alone xx

there are a couple of charities- Arch and Stillwaters who offer post termination counselling and it may be useful contacting them to get some more counselling. i know stock phases are 'you made the right choice at the tine' 'you cant change the past' but neither feel helpful as dont stop you going over and over and thinking what if? its really good you came on here to vent, its a lonely place to be and honestly its only women on here at points who got me through. its so easy when you are in the situation to listen to other people- i know i did and lost sight of what i wanted. there are also people i felt very resentful of as they convined me it was the right decision but then never thought about it again whereas we are the ones who have to live with the emotional fall out. there's something during the process where you become detached from the decision and its only after where yo are like what have i done? but do seek more counselling, it is a form of PTSD and you have the right to not be haunted by it constantly and for it to become a smaller piece of your life than it currently is x

OP I'm still going through similar and I'm so sorry you are also in this position.
I know it's such a common thing to say but I think accepting what happened and forgiving yourself when used as actual practice are the key to recovery.

As much as we want to we can't change the past. Dwelling on it and going in circles of what you could have done differently messes with your head and if repeated long enough it becomes thinking habit.

Stress can really affect our minds and our decision making. When accidental pregnancy happens and threatens our stability and we have limited support it can cause us to go into panic mode. Our brain is trying to protect us from danger and pushes us into what seems like a solution. Nearly all women who regret their abortions say they were almost in a state of dissociation when making a decision. It is NOT your fault.

You need to accept the past, forgive yourself and allow yourself to grieve.

And unfortunately grieving is a long or sometimes never ending process but with the right support it can become smaller part of your life. 🌺

I had a medical abortion at 4 weeks end May n I'm still messed up about it . X