I feel so conflicted 😢

[user1488481370]

Hi everyone,
I never envisaged I’d have to write a post like this or even be in this situation but here we go, I ask for some sensitive advice, no judgment and perhaps a gentle handhold.

After suffering hideous PMS and suicidal thoughts after having the implant inserted in 2011, falling pregnant on the pill in 2013 and then with the coil in 2019, we decided to use condoms and track my cycles and avoid DTD around ovulation. This worked well for 3 years until last month where we very unfortunately had a mishap where the condom split. We realised at the time and I purchased an EllaOne thinking I was well before ovulation but just wanted to take extra precautions for peace of mind. I took the tablet. No issues. I then started having some cramping and spotting just over a week later which I thought was my period starting. I took 2 pregnancy tests within a couple of days of each other which were both negative so I was fairly reassured that we’d avoided it. Fast forward to today, still cramping, sore boobs but a new symptom has emerged. Sickness. I went into a friend’s house for coffee and the smell of said coffee made me feel very ill. The unmistakable feeling of morning sickness. I went home and took another test and had a very strong positive. I think I’m around 5 weeks pregnant.

I’ve walked around in a complete daze all day. I’ve gone from sobbing to completely calm and back to sobbing again. I have never felt so conflicted or confused in my entire life.

We have 4 DC’s already, I adore them, I love my family, adore my husband and we have such a happy and loving home but we have things going on outside the home, financial struggles, MH struggles and business worries. We’re also in a small 2 bed house which we out grew 2 children ago.
This is absolutely not an ideal situation to fetch another baby in to.

Im devastated but have had PND after giving birth to my 2 youngest children, in fact, I’m still on antidepressants. I have been to hell and back with my own mind and feel as though I’ve really turned a corner this last 9 months - it’s been a long slog and I’ve been in some very dark places. The thought of going back to how I was terrifies me. Not to mention the fact that my last pregnancy was quite complicated. I’m terrified of the prospect of an abortion but even more terrified at the thought of another baby.

We have suffered recurrent miscarriages in the past before our 3rd DD was conceived which was absolutely devastating. I can’t believe that 4/5 years later were in this situation and I’m contemplating this. I look at my children and all I can think is that I’m going to be aborting a little one that would look just like them and be loved just as much. It’s breaking my heart.

I’ve been in touch with NUPAS who will be calling me tomorrow, I’m hoping this is something I can do at home. I don’t think I could face a hospital right now.

my heart breaks for you- it really is such a difficult situation. Like you say its so difficult as whilst your head is telling you its not the right thing it is scary having to deal with the mental health repurcussions of the decision. as someone told me its hard either way- its almost which is the decision you could most live with. And its also hard as lots of ;what ifs'. eg you can have a termination and will never know if the pregnancy would have developed but your emotional mind may just always have imagined the what ifs. I think as you are so conflicted i would certianly ask NASP for some counselling. even if you terminate if you have had the counsellign then you know you have come to the decision that felt right. i rushed into mine and am always haunted that i didn't talk it through with a counsellor first to be sure that it was what felt best. theres a lot of us on here who had children already who made a decision so do message as its a lonely place to be in and somewhere you dont expect to be in!

Sending you so much love. I’m going through exactly the same thing, I’m also around 5 weeks, and I’m so conflicted about what to do. I can’t contemplate having an abortion but equally feel like it’s not fair on the rest of our family to bring another baby into our lives. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and hope you find peace in whatever decision you make x

@Freefallin i look at my children and think ‘it could’ve been one of them.’ I’m absolutely devastated. We don’t get any help or support off the government even though we’ve struggled for years. I feel like it’s not fair on my existing children and we just do t have the room. We live next to family who hate our children and make our lives a living hell. It’s been an awful few years and this is the worst thing that could’ve ever happened. My mind is made up and I’m devastated but think it’s the right thing to do.

I really hope that you make peace with whatever you choose and I’m sorry that you find yourself in this situation too 😢

@user1488481370 I hope you get the support you need from NUPAS. Feel free to DM me if you ever need to talk

@Freefallin thank you so much. I contacted NUPAS but unfortunately they don’t cover my area! Got in touch with MSI and have just had the initial phone call this morning, the lady I spoke to was lovely, I had a good cry before I knew she was ringing to kinda get it out of my system and managed to hold it together on the phone.

I'm having a phone consultation tomorrow afternoon with a nurse, I’ve qualified for an at home abortion which is exactly what I wanted. Trying not to read horror stories and trying not to think about it too much. Both of OH’s parents have died and I was laid in bed last night sobbing and asking them to look after this little one for me 😢 I was bought up catholic (no longer practising) and the thought I’m going to hell has crossed my mind 🤯

I look at my children and just think gosh, this could’ve been one of you. In a few short months this little one would perhaps have the same wispy hair, big blue eyes, long lashes and rosebud lips and it breaks my heart. I shouldn't think of it like that but I feel like I have to to make sure I’m absolutely sure. I saw someone say they told their little one ‘I love you but I have to let you go,’ which is exactly how I feel. I really hope I deal with this better once the termination is complete. I didn’t realise I would find it so tough emotionally but then you never know until you go through something.