Am I wrong to not tell my partner?

[Completelywornout]

Hi I’m looking for some advice. No judgement needed but I think from the post I’m sure to receive some hate.

So. little back story, me and my partner have been together 5/6 years. I have 2dc and he has 1dc. We’ve spoken in the past about having children and have both said that we don’t want anymore. I mentioned him having the snip and he said no because he might want children in the future and I said well it won’t be with me so you need to make that decision now…

my periods have been nonexistent for the past 6-10 months due to medication I was taking. But I was getting heartburn a lot and my boobs felt a bit sore so I thought I had better do a pregnancy test. It came back positive. I took the test 2 nights ago and it came u with 2 lines immediately.

this is not something I want at all! I’m so cross with myself for getting into this position. And also so scared. I was on birth control but my daughter took them all one day trying to od and due to me not having periods I just never replaced them.

I haven’t told my partner I’m pregnant. I dont know if it’s the fear of him telling me he wants to keep it (he lost a daughter the year before he had his dc and I’m not sure if he even agrees with abortion). But I mentally cannot have another child. I have been sectioned in the past due to my mental health and I know having to go through with a pregnancy I don’t want will affect me massively. Also, I’m not sure how safe the medication I am on is when you’re pregnant.

Im booked in next week to have my initial assessment and to see how far along I am (I’m hoping it’s quite early)

I know it’s wrong not to tell my partner that im pregnant but im worried sick about what might happen if I tell him. Im 100% certain that I don’t want another child, plus this is not a very happy home atm due to my dd.

help me. Please. Am I in the wrong for not confiding in him and take on his opinion or should I just go forward with the termination and deal with it on my own? I’m pretty sure he would know something was up though. And if I’m too far gone I’ll have to speak to him anyway as I’ll need to go in for an operation. Just hoping I still have time to do something about it 😞

Hello WornOut, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. To hear that your daughter had a suicide attempt, that's absolutely heartbreaking, though I'm glad it sounds like she was fortunately unsuccessful. Add to that your own health problems and it sounds like you must be feeling in over your head.

Every couple is different, and I don't know too much about what your relationship with your partner is like. Aborting a pregnancy is a huge secret to have to keep from him. Even if you have a surgical procedure, or manage to use the pills without him knowing, you would still have the whole aftermath of unpredictable feelings to deal with alone, or with a friend or other family member. If you were sad, or grieving, or confused, or upset, you would either have to avoid his questions, or worse, try to act happy and "normal." You might even resent that you are going through all this difficulty and he gets to go about thinking nothing has changed. I understand that you two may not be on the same page, but you could at least talk about it. You can talk to your doctor and get answers about the safety of your medications during pregnancy, to see if that's a valid concern. You might start to warm to the idea of having a child that is a unique combination of you and your partner. If your older children are getting more independent, the idea of a baby might start to feel more doable if your partner is willing to do his fair share of the duties. Or you might end up having a natural miscarriage, since it's really surprising you got pregnant at all if you haven't even had a period for months. Maybe get a blood test to confirm that it is truly a pregnancy.

You should get all the information you can before making such an important decision, so at least you can feel more confident in whatever choice you end up making. And you will have to decide if keeping a secret this big from your partner is something you can live with - and how you would feel if he kept something that involved both of you, from you. If he really loves you, he should want to be there for you, and would not want you to be having to figure all this out by yourself. And again, I'm so sorry about your daughter and I hope she is getting the help she needs.