Am I allowed to feel this way?

[Hzky3]

So short story age 37 3 c section children youngest now 10 we have always wanted 4 and I was cleared by ob to have a 4th cs. Rewind back over a year ago we found ourselves in financial difficulty hard times as we had just bought a new home suitable for 3+ children due to renovations etc it was both physically and mentally very hard on me and my partner trying to keep up at the time when everything was at the peak and I was emotionally drained I found out I was 5 wks pg and deep inside I knew I wanted it but felt the current situation wouldn't allow financial or mentally with so much going on I just blocked out my feelings and emotions and let fear of the future take hold and had a termination at 5wks 2 days very rushed I know I very much regret my decsion and my heart aches everyday why i didn't just shout out but I want this baby I've always wanted 4... I may have shed tears daily since 😢 but we are now in a much more stable place financially emotionally home is up togeather, and this causes me to regret my choice even more I ask myself why and grieve what could have now been. I feel as we enter the new year we could start ttc again but it feels so wrong because of the choice I made I feel like I dont deserve that joy now and need to be punished by not having more please someone help me figure out how I should feel and if its OK to feel I want to have another now am i wrong to even consider i just don't know how i should feel

of course you can try again. just because it wasnt the right time then doesn't mean you have to punish yourself forever. if someone in their teens had a termination then got married later on you would not say they should not try agian so why should you not. we are so much harsher to ourselves than others. mestheres a few of us who had children, then had a termination then gone onto have another child. it does feel complex emotionally- i won't lie but i know as hard as i am finding it, not trying again would have been harder. message anytime its a complex place to be in emotionally but people do say once the child is here, it feels they were meant to be there and people then focus less on what happened previously x

Thank-you so much for your time and kind words such a hard place to be mentally. İ probably would benefit lots from being able to message someone but i have no idea on this forum how to pm. Would be lovely to know im not alone and its ok to feel this way move on and follow my heart but negative guilty thought's flood my day's