Looking for some advice & support

[Hzky3]

I've always understood a 4th c section has risks but I've always wanted 4 children and was cleared for baby 4. My youngest is now 10 and I am 37 and last year we got into financial difficulty due to buying a much larger property it needed alot of work amd was very time consuming and physically hard and a baby at the time felt impossible I couldn't even think about it with all the renovation just after we signed I found out i was 5 wks pg I panicked got scared completely blocked it out didn't think it through due to other stresses and worry and made an awful decision to terminate at 5wks 2 daysi will never forgive myself (please no judgement we are all human and I punish myself daily for the hurried selfish decision I made) the pain it has left in my heart will never ease I grieve for what I wanted so much but worldly worries nack then made it seem impossible and there was no choice.but fast forward over a year financially we are heading to much better times and our home is suitable for 4 children ofcourse this makes me regret my decision even more and i feel so bad for even thinking its ok to consider another after the choice i made but deep down i know by the time I'm 38 we would financially be secure enough to have a 4th but guilt tells me I cant and wouldn't deserve another and I'll be too old etc I am convincing myself I have to feel done at 3 and dont deserve this chance again due to my mistake and age and its tearing me apart this was never my plan and dreams its been so soul destroying I dont have many friends to talk to this through with so kind of hoped i may get some gentle advice here

completely understand the complex feelings. many people who have had a termination have gone on to have another pregnancy. im currently pregnant following a termination. all i would say is that circumstances change- just because it wasnt right then doesnt mean you have to suffer forever. the things i would prepare yourself for is that it doesnt make the termination go away- that is still part of your grief in the same way people who have any loss you cant just replace it. be prepared for complex emotions- at times i have cried thinking why has this one been given the chance to live and the other one wasnt. i also worry that if there is something wrong with this one would the other one have been ok?. but not everyone feels this way. the women who have supported me along the way have said that once the baby is here they are who you were meant to be and your focus is on them. and however complex this pregnancy is emotionally I am in a better state than if i had not given it a go, On my positive days I am extremely grateful that ive been given another chance. Im 40 and got pregnant very quickly- it is really just luck son dont worry about your age you need to be in the right place for you. it sounds like you have given time to process what happened and be ready to try again. so don't feel you can't,, and do message any time as theres a lot of us on here who have been in a similar situation x

Thank-you so much for kind encouragement. We both are obviously well aware of the emotional rollercoaster terminations are. It gives me hope that you have fallen pregnant how many weeks are you, and I sincerely hope this baby comes along healthy and safe and helps heal your heart. Do you mind if I ask when you're termination was and was it own choice? I understand if you would rather not say.
These feelings are hard to describe because I just feel if I had known what I do now I wouldn't be experiencing these emotions but at the same time I went into the or well aware it wasent really what I wanted I just felt to ease pressure financially etc at the time I had too and was aware I would want another down the line when circumstances changed and this feels so wrong now I feel such guilt and regret and pain it stops me planning ahead to ttc again.

I think no one really talks about the emotional rollercoaster the process is- its almost like it catches up with you rather than when making the decision. mine was in feb, i paniced when i found out i got pregnant, my anexity went sky high and i just went to a negative place and rushed into it and shut down- i am sure if i had spoken to a counsellor or even talked to someone other than my husband. i would not have made that decision. thats the hardest bit was that there were several points when i almost told someone and i think if i had muttered those words out loud the outcome would have been different. i then got pregnant two months later- far too soon but at the time i was desperate to correct the mistake as such. I am now about 26 weeks. the healthcare profesionals have been really understanding- as much as I feel like such a stupid cow! you did what you needed at the time, that doesn't mean you can't try again now your circumstances have changed. E.g we would never tell someone who had a termination in their early 20s that they could not try again later down the line so why should we not? there's quite a few of us on here who have been with a partner, already have kids and then terminate but then go on later to have a baby. these ladies have said that having the baby has helped to heal- not eradicated the past as such but helped a lot. please do not let your regret and guilt stop you from doing what now feels right. it may also be worth accessing some counselling to work through these feelings as its such a complex grief and very isolating x

Wow I can't believe how similiar our feelings and situation sound and that's actually comforting to know I'm not so alone and I'm not the only person in the world to make such a choice and regret it after I really hope I can at least find peace and move on to have another soon

Just message any time- other people on here have really helped me process things. of all the stuff that i worried about happening in my life this certainly wans't one of them! life certainly throws some curve balls. wishing you all the best and hope it all happens ok x