Having an abortion for ‘selfish’ reasons

[VulpixTail]

Really struggling with my choice here.

Found myself (very early) pregnant due to a contraception failure.

I don’t want to be pregnant right now if ever again. I’m 99% decided that we are a single child family. My husband is a bit more open…we will go onto that later.

I have a 17 month old already and she is incredibly high energy. I’ve only had symptoms for 3 days and it was been so challenging already. I can’t imagine chasing her around when heavily pregnant. If a potential baby arrives- she will end up plonked in front of CBeebies or at nursery. I’m a SAHM because I wanted to give her my absolute all. I don’t want to divide my attention. I know people do it because they want more kids but it’s never been how I have personally wanted to parent. I can absolutely see how this can pay off with a close sibling later on- but there are absolutely no guarantees that this pregnancy will be a helpful, nice, friend for life. I can’t have a child solely for the possibility of this- I need to want it. I don’t.

Maybe next year I would be more open. But for now I have got an amazing girl’s trip booked, a sporting event. I want to do those things. My body is fantastic and better than it was pre-DD. I don’t want breast asymmetry and stretch marks. I don’t want any tiger stripes.

I was full of love and worry when I found out I was pregnant with my DD. I don’t feel that way now. I can’t help but see it as an inconvenience. Is that because I know what hard work kids are now? I thought I’d feel gutted and sad to be in this situation. I have had a two miscarriages before my DD, so it was just unfathomable. But I just feel frustrated, numb and detached.

On paper there is no reason why I can’t have another baby. Two loving supporting sets of grandparents, I work for our family business in a very flexible role, big house, very high household income, generally good mental health. I think this is what I’m struggling with the most.

My husband is happy with us being one and done as it’s the right, better choice for us and how we want to live our lives. But at the same time he believes that I’m a great mum, we have a lovely life and it’s a shame that we won’t do it all again because we could (on paper) provide that lovely life for multiple kids.

I can’t even bring myself to tell him yet. He has said that if we have an accident that he’d be happy.

there are no selfish reasons- if its not right for you now then its not right and in the future if you change your mind its your choice to try again. my only thing is having had one child and having had a termination earlier in the year is make sure you are sure- its worth talking to a counsellor etc to process that this is what you want as sometimes the practical reasons take over eg money, juggling life etc. But then what i found after was the emotions caught up with me and the practicalities seemed insignificant. I think the other thing is being aware of yourself, if you are someone who makes decisions and lives by them or someone who regrets and overthinks things after. i do but for some reason didnt click that i would be like that until after the termination and was totally screwed up. thirdly-unfortuatentely you dont just go back to where you were as such its always going to be something that happened- so its processing how you will manage that e.g are you someone who can turn it into a positive of appreciating your life as a three more or will you forever more be feeling someone was missing? this is not to put you off- for many women it is right choice but these are just things i wish i had thought through before rushing into mine. but please make sure you dont rush into a decision and give yourself time to process what works best for you.

Thanks so much for your post and your thoughts. I really appreciate them.

I am hoping not to rush. As it stands I’m just carrying on as usual, acting like I don’t know I am pregnant. I’m forgetting it myself some times.

I’m going to give myself a week or so to just sit on this, with no action nor consultations with BPAS.

I think I am the most scared of changing my mind later on, and suffering with secondary infertility. I’m full of fear that this is a healthy viable pregnancy, and if I do decide I want another in a few years- struggling to conceive and having more miscarriages. This is the main driver that is stopping me. But as it stands, I don’t want to be pregnant at the moment :(

I think that's a good idea to sit on it for a week. I contacted bpas within days then got myself caught up focusing on the appointments rather than hoe I felt as such. . I think it's important to think through how you may feel about future pregnancies. I'm ptegnany again and petrified that if this one had problems would the other one have been OK? But my husband sees them as two separate entries. So again its being honest how you may handle that. As someone said its w hard choice either way but it's which you can lmange both in your head and heart . If you can get them to align it helps the decision x

How are you doing, VulpixTail? Been thinking about you and your situation.

Hi i found out im pregnant two weeks ago. Im 40 years old with a 20 year old daughter and a 16year old son.
im not happy about the pregnancy and this is naturally all i can think about.
my mental health wasnt good before which i take medication for and has gone downhill since finding out. I have been crying every day to try and make a choice. I really dont want another baby but the guilt is tearing me up to terminate the pregnancy too.
im struggling with the pregnancy and feel ill and sick as well as depressed all the time. I have been feeling very lonely since my daughter moved out and now i have found out im pregnant so i feel like its a blessing of some sort but i dont want another baby. I just feel so torn

really sorry you feel so torn. i would access some counselling- providers like bpas or charities like still water provide it this will help you work out what you want and which pros/cons are most important. there will never be a perfect answer but it will help you process what would work best for you. i think also when you have mh issues its sometimes hard to know what you want v the catasprophising. message if you need to- its such a difficult decision to be in