Pregnant and scared

[LostInLondon1]

Hi, apologies in advance for what no doubt will be a rather long & rambling post! But I’m feeling very lost and confused and so need all the help / advice / feedback I can get. Apologies if this is not the right forum and apologies in advance for offending anybody.
I’m 43, and found out I’m pregnant for the first time. Which is a shock as I was always told that I had poly cystic ovaries so thought it would be hard to conceive, and I’m 43, and thought I was going through the menopause! The trouble is,
if im honest, I’m not sure how I’m feeling about it. I always thought I wanted children, but now I find myself unsure. Is that because of my age, and this being my first time pregnant, so literally going into the unknown for the first time at 43! Is it because I’ve only been with my partner 12 months or because he doesn’t want it? 🤷🏼‍♀️
I had only recently come to terms & actually accepted that I was never going to have children & be a mum, (as I thought having PCOS and being the age I am this just wouldn’t be possible.) And I was actually ok with that.
I haven’t been with my partner long, but have been the happiest I have been in a very long time. Relationship wise, the happiest I have ever been. But now we are pregnant. And he is being honest and saying he doesn’t want to be a father. (Again! He has a daughter from a relationship in his 20’s and they have a father daughter relationship, but he has said he never wanted kids!, so this does confuse me slightly) Anyway, I’m not sure it’s what I want at this point in my life either, as I was looking forward to the life we were planning together. But now that has been tipped on its head and my head is a complete mess. I keep thinking I’m too old to do this for the first time, and likely will be a single parent. He has said he will stay but won’t be happy! So I can’t see him staying for long, besides, who wants to be in an unhappy relationship with a child to raise. That doesn’t sound like a good scenario. So, I’m feeling very confused and unsure. If I’m honest I don’t think I want motherhood at 43, but I did always want kids, so am I feeling like this because I don’t have a partner who is onboard and happy about this, or at least willing to face it together and try to be happy. Unfortunately I don’t have a big support network either. My partners parents are both 70 and have health issues & I only have my mum, who is AMAZING but is in her early 70’s and more than aware of her age, and that she physically can’t offer the same level of support she could have say maybe 5/10 years ago! I am so lost and so confused, and scared! I mean is not going through with the pregnancy even an option, I don’t even know if it is something g I could do! I wonder if anyone has been in a similar situation? Or if not even has any thoughts on what they would do or feel?

really sorry you are in this situation and its one of the worst times of my life. all i would say that even with planned pregnancies you get a wtf moment and can really question whether you want a child and are scared about life changing let alone when it is unplanned. many partners are unkeen but once the child is here step up. its also what you would feel if a year down the line the relationship finished anyway- would you be regretting not going head. i think its a hard decision either way and you are having to decide without the evidence as so many unknowns in life. i think its important to try and access counselling and process what are your thoughts and what is anexity speaking. someone said life doesnt have to end when you have a child- indeed weve carried on doing loads of stuff but it does change things. i think its also thinking about your personality type- do you tend to regret your decisions or move on. e.g i tend to overthink every decision in my life so struggled to come to terms with my termintation but other people walk out and are confidence in the choice they made. keep messaging on here- the worst thing i did was just let things go round in my head and now reach out to anyone or write things down and Ill never know if i would have made the same decision if i had properly processed things.

Thank you so much Saskia. I really appreciate your message. I 100% over think, and struggle sometimes to even make simple decisions let alone something like this. I think the trouble is, I don’t even know my own thoughts, which sounds crazy I know. But I think my head seems to focus on all the negatives and practicalities - age, lack of security, lack of support network, finances etc..and how I would even manage all of those on my own! I always thought getting this news would be the happiest day of life, turns out I’m not seeing any happiness just negatives. But is that because of others people’s projections. Maybe, but I just can’t seem to get past these! I’m just so torn and feel like either decision I make will be the wrong one. Personality wise, I tend to regret many decisions and dwell back on these every now & then, so I do wonder how I will cope if I don’t continue the pregnancy. Part of me can’t even believe that I am contemplating this! Is it something you often think about? Can I ask if it’s something your now regret?

thats good to be realistic about regretting things- i always regret my decisions but thought i would come out of the termination find- i dont know why! so i think its useful to be honest with yourself before so its almost like which one will you regret most? it would be good to access some counselling to try and rationalise some of the practicalities with what your heart wants- plenty of people have kids in very difficult circumstances but equally we also dont have to. so for example i worry about money constantly even without this year happening but actually theres people with no money who probably get on with it more! someone said as well it can be wroth writing on paper the practical worries and possible solutions to see if there are ways round them. its so hard when so much is unknown. but people can make things work without support. and its scary the unknown of having a child and even with planned ivf babies people can have wobbles. keep messaging on here as it was the biggest mistake i made not speaking with other people and do try and access some counselling and dont rush into it. i know time is important but a few more days of uncertianty is better than not feeling you have made the decision. in terms of me- i rushed into getting pregnant again 2 months later!- so 22weeks and believe me that has caused me so much more upset than if i had just make the different decision with the initial termination! i am usually a sensible person and a goody two shoes but this year have made two very impulsive decisions both with life long consequences and cannot quite believe what this year has bought so you are being far more sensible than i am! x

I did reply, but for some reason it didn’t post!
I’m not sure I’m feeling very sensible at the minute. I am having counselling but you only get 30 minutes a week which doesn’t seem to be getting me very far unfortunately. I have known now for 5 weeks, and have thought of nothing else but don’t seem to be any clearer. I am also suffering physically with the pregnancy, so constantly feel unwell and exhausted, so maybe that’s not helping the thought process. It’s a good idea about writing down the practicalities and possible solutions, i think the trouble is I can’t seem to think clearly at all at the moment! And don’t feel like I’m ever going to get to a decision that I am comfortable with. I know it’s not easy at any time, but the fact that this is my last chance and everything rests on this one decision I think is making it so much harder. Or maybe it’s just me and I’d be like this no matter what my age!
I guess I’m trying to answer one ‘simple’ question. “Do I want to be a mum?”
I always did, or thought I did. so why now am I unsure?
Thank you @Saskia2023 for sharing your experience, it does feel very odd talking on what I guess is a public forum, but thank you so much for getting intouch and sharing. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it x x

even though i am a mum (one very much planned for) and I have always loved kids even before this year i can muse over why i wanted to be a mum- its almost such an irrational choice- they cost a lot and disrupt your life and you are giving yourself up for another human but on the other hand its harder to quantify how they enrich your life so I completely get it! im very envious of friends who never wanted kids and have lovely lives (but obviously feel desperately sad for those who cant have kids who want them!). I hate our brains being so overactive! i wonder whether it may be worth paying for a couple of private sessions where you can get a full hour to explore things. i think the thing which i am sure is hard to process is thats its a life changing decision either way and you wont be going back to where you were and you have to make it with lots of unknowns. do you think partly the indecision is almost hoping that the decision will be taken out of your hands or almost leaving it too late that you are past almost feeling able to decide? I know thats what i did this time! i think what ive learnt is about 50% of pregnancies are unplanned so many people either go through a termination or end up having babies (or more kids than planned) when it wasnt necessarily the timing they would have chosen. message any time its the hardest and loneliest place ive been in and certainly not something i thought about going through until this year x