I have no choice really do I

[SoSadAboutIt]

I’m so desperately sad even though my pregnancy wasn’t planned.

I’m almost 37 and have 2 DC already. When our youngest was born I was advised to not to have any more children for health reasons though was advised at the time they can’t enforce this.

I had awful pregnancies. My first baby was premature, 9 weeks early weighing 2 1/2lbs due to eclampsia and HELLP syndrome. The c section didn’t go well and I had a haemorrhage so needed a blood transfusion. We were both in hospital for a long time.

We tried for several years for a second baby, we had several miscarriages, one of which was a missed miscarriage that I needed surgical management for. That didn’t work fully so I had to go back in again, had a big bleed and an infection though no transfusion this time.

We finally fell pregnant with my second child, I was up and down the hospital all the time due to my previous health issues. Pregnancy was ok though had pre-eclampsia again right at the end, tried for a vbac but ended up with another c section, another haemorrhage and yet another blood transfusion.

I asked if I could be sterilised but was advised against it as I am now classed as “at risk” of haemorrhage during surgery so it’s essential surgeries only, which makes sense

I can't take or use anything hormonal for health reasons (massive family risk of cardiac issues and my blood pressure rises whenever I tried anything hormonal, which is a concern as it took a long time for my blood pressure to return to normal after the eclampsia and pre eclampsia).

My husband refused to have a vasectomy for a whole host of reasons, he was worried it would hurt, that sex would feel different and he also said that just because im advised not to have more children doesn't mean that choice should be taken away from him as he wouldn't be able to have children with someone else if we broke up (don’t know what to make of this really).

So we just used condoms. Which worked well until it didn’t and I’m now pregnant with an unplanned pregnancy.

I spoke to my GP who put me in touch with the consultant. They basically said the choice is mine and that I have options and they would support me with another pregnancy but really they cannot guarantee how it will go.

They have also said if I chose to terminate I will have to wait and have a surgical abortion as it’s easier to manage for me with my haemorrhage risk as the abortion pill puts me at greater risk for that. So would have to wait a little bit due to waiting times in our area. The scan shows I’m 6 weeks along so fairly early still.

I’m so sad. They said I have options but I don’t really do I. A termination is my only choice isnt it.

Sorry this was so long, I need to get my thoughts out. I’m such a mess right now

first of all i am so sorry you are in this situation- i am so fed up of men who wont have a v when its such a simple procedure then we as women deal with the consequences (my husband is the same!). one thing youve mentioned so far are the health problems when pregnant but what are your thoughts on having another child. maybe have a thin about that element first- if you didnt have such risky pregnancies would you actually want the third child? or do you feel you are ok with the two? you do have options- plenty of women with health issues have babies and you can be well supported by the hospital so its not a complete no no. think beyond the pregnancy as well as the pregnancy itself. the termination service will also have counselling services on offer so given yuo need to wait it would be worth having a session or two if nothing else to prepare you for how you may feel after if you went for the termination

@Saskia2023 I'd come to terms with no more children, mostly because of my health issues. I hadn't even given it a thought which is why it's so hard I think. I've miscarried much wanted babies and that was so so hard so the thought of a termination is tearing me apart but I keep thinking what if something happened to me if I carried on the pregnancy my children would be devastated.

The only reason they haven't said "no, you have to have an abortion" is because they cannot tell me what to do, they can only advise and that's what they are doing when they said they advise us to stick to the two

Also, haemorrhages are generally worse each time they happen too. That's my biggest concern, bleeding to death. I've had 2 c sections now so my uterus is scarred which adds more risk to haemorrhage.

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation and I’d be having a serious chat with my husband about a vasectomy if I were you.

You might not think it compares but I terminated my unplanned third pregnancy in very large part due to my mental health - ultimately I could not risk the potential impact another pregnancy and newborn stage would have had on me (I’ve been a write off with severe anxiety in the past) for the sake of my two existing kids. It was my choice but at the time I’d have like that choice to have been taken out of my hands.

I still know I did the right thing for my kids but it still hurts sometimes. A lot. I’d wanted a third but come to terms with the fact I don’t have the mental/ emotional capacity.

All this to say, aborting this pregnancy is a really valid option - there are serious health concerns that have been laid out by specialists. I have anxiety particularly around health so personally for what it’s worth with the issues you’ve laid out I’d be leaning towards an abortion. You also know you’d be well supported if you chose to continue, so you know you have options.

Whichever option you go with I’d advise you to write down your reasons in black and white so you can look back on them clearly in the difficult times, when the doubt can creep in.

@Tcr1987 thank you for your honesty. I hope you do find healing about your guilt because you absolutely made the right choice for you, I very much believe that mental health is as important as physical health.

I just wish they would tell me what to do. I feel like they are telling me to terminate without actually doing it, laying out all the risks like they did. After all the NHS can't force someone to do something as it's always the patients choice and we are allowed to go against medical advice. They wouldn't have advised no more babies if it wasn't a serious risk to my health.

With the haemorrhage there is a very real risk I could die, either due to too much blood loss if they can't stop it quickly enough or through cardiac arrest due to blood loss. Neither of those are individual to me and could happen to anyone but are a higher risk due to my history. Yes, they have told me if I bled again they would "just" do a hysterectomy but it's very much all guess work really. Then there is the blood pressure issue too and the chances of seizures, strokes and heart attacks from it. Plus the risks to the baby with bp issues. I was very lucky that our eldest has no issues from being so prem but again the chances of pre eclampsia or eclampsia are high and could happen even earlier.

I just feel so very sad. It was such a struggle to have our children, not so much getting pregnant but staying pregnant and sustaining a pregnancy that the thought of terminating a pregnancy is something I never wanted to do.

I think I know deep down I have to do it. My health is so much more important than that of a potential child. And my existing children need me.

That aside, I need to have a serious talk with my husband. I think he should absolutely have a vasectomy. This is my life potentially at risk and I can now see how incredibly selfish he is being.

Its such a hard situation but it sounds like you are doing this to protect your existing children who need their mum rather than risking everything. its worth having some counselling i think to give you some strategies to process what you are going for- the biggest mistake i made was just going straight for the termination so not being prepared for the grief after. even though it can be right thing it doesnt mean it doesnt feel sad. the counselling may help you make peace with decision and have some coping strategies for after. men are generally so selfish when it comes to v- im still cross with my husband that im dealing with the emotional fall out of the termination when he s just got on with life and it could have all be avoided if he had taken a permanent option when he was decided he was done!

@Saskia2023 thank you for your honesty. It must be so hard to feel the guilt and sadness. I felt guilty and sad after miscarriages and they were something I couldn't help.

The thought of "what if" keeps coming to my mind. What if it's ok this time? But given my history that's very unlikely and significant blood loss is likely. I'm pretty certain as this point I have more donor blood in my body than my own as I lost approx 1300ml of blood with my eldest and around 1500ml with my youngest. That's a very big risk to take isn't it.

Is it wrong that I'm hoping for miscarriage so the choice is taken away from me?

Hoping for a miscarriage is normal- i was the same in that situation- i remember going swimming for my son and almost encouraging him to kick me in the stomach etc. you just dont want to have to make the choice yourself. its so hard making a life long decision when there are so many unknowns and what ifs- i think thats what i struggled with the most and that its not an unchangable decision. keep messaging if you need to- i really wish i had come on this board before rather than after! x

@Saskia2023 thank you. I've had a day out with my husband today and he says he wants me to terminate. For health reasons.

As stupid as it sounds I'm so cross it would be marked on my health record as it's an elective procedure when it's not really.

I wish this was something that could be spoken about freely.

I may give BPAS a call tomorrow to talk about counselling, seeing as they provide the service around here

i know i hate thats it on my records to- but a third of women have at least one in their life for so many different reasons. i actually had a full on panic moder if something happened to me and my husband and my parents had access to my records and found out! the thing is i wish more people would talk about it rather than it being such a private hell for so many of us. any of us could be in this position and like you say you are doing it to protect your current children and yourself. for too many centuries and still in too many countries women have had to die giving birth because of the risks and this process is here to protect you from taking that risk. getting some counselling from bpas would be great- even if you terminate it will help you hopefully reach 'peace' with the decision and help you get in place strategies to help yuo process afterwards x

@Saskia2023 if it's any help your parents won't be able to access any of your information unless you have given them written consent and it's on your records. I believe this still applies after accident or death. I work in a GP surgery so this is a common concern x

HELLP is very dangerous condition. Read this article
https://killba.com/hellp-syndrome/

@Vart I'm well aware how dangerous HELLP syndrome can be having had it in my first pregnancy. Its thought that's why I still have blood pressure issues now on and off.

It's one of the reasons, along with the haemorrhages and pre eclampsia and eclampsia that I know I don't really have a choice and need to end the pregnancy despite the consultants saying they would support me if I chose to continue. The risks are too great and quite simply another pregnancy could potentially kill me

i hope everyting will be ok with you

@Vart thank you.

Just an update for the lovely people who offered me help and advice on here.

I'm booked into a hospital on Wednesday next week for a surgical procedure under general anaesthetic.

Normally terminations around here are referred to an abortion clinic but because I have the haemorrhage risk it's being done at the hospital where they have the blood banks and facility to do an emergency hysterectomy if they need to do so which im assuming they don't at BPAS or Marie Stopes.

It's breaking my heart and all I want to do is stay in bed. But I need to do this for my health.

I'm hoping it all goes smoothly and that I don't need to take any leave from work (I am part time) but I absolutely will if I need to do so. I'm just worried about if I need to, we have to give a reason to why we are off work and I hardly want to broadcast this to my manager (or my colleagues).

Sending you so much love. I hope it goes smoothly - sounds like you’re in the best hands.

I hope your recovery is straightforward (both mental and physical). And please make sure you take as much time off work as you need. I had two weeks and didn’t have all the additional considerations you do. Initially I told just told work I had lost a pregnancy and no one questioned that further.

You've faced an almost impossible choice so please go easy on yourself.

@Tcr1987 would my GP / the hospital put "pregnancy loss" on a sick note as I really wouldn't want them putting "termination" on there as that would be so uncomfortable just due to the stigma. Not that I'm ashamed, I fully support a woman's right to choose. But this is not a choice really

I’m not sure, sorry. My manager is really lovely so I ended up telling her and she didn’t ever ask for a fit note. She recorded the absence formally under a generic ‘other’ category on our system.

When we've had sick leave that requires a fit note we need to do health and safety risk assessment to make sure we are ok to work and not compromising patient safety so I guess I'll need to be honest to my manager.

She's so lovely and she would be so supportive, especially as it's for medical reasons. I just don't want to have to talk about it at work as I'll cry and if I cry all my other colleagues will know (I'm an ugly cryer) and ask what's wrong and it's not something I want to share, especially as one of my colleagues has had 3 rounds of failed IVF and would do anything for a baby so I feel guilty

So tomorrow is the day.

I'm really anxious and I'm really sad.

I've had an ERPC for miscarriage before which is exactly the same procedure really as surgical termination but I can't help being scared.

I've wanted to cry all day and work has been really tough.

I've told my manager who has been incredibly kind, I'm having 2 weeks off and she's advised that I just have "pregnancy loss" put on my sick note which the hospital should be happy to comply with.

I was really worrying as colleagues gossip when people have sick leave and asked her what I should do if I'm asked about it. After a chat we've decided whilst I'm off, if people say anything she has my permission to say I've lost a baby and she won't go into other details. That way people shouldn't say much when I'm back but if they do they will be kind and understanding.

Thank you to all you lovely people on here who have offered a stranger so much advice and kindness at a time that has been awful xx